Shadows of Reality
by Chimerean
Summary: Sequel to Shattered Reality. With people doubting her authenticity, Shepard has to juggle her allegiance to Cerberus with the will of the Council and the Alliance. Trusting Liara to create a life for her refugees she sets off to prove herself - that she is who she was and more. Non Canon.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: And we're back as promised with our perception of time significantly changed. We thought we had a lot of time until September and… surprise! The joke is on us. As stated before, Helena Author started a new job which will require her to do some globetrotting for the next few months. Due to that updates might vary from the usual schedule, but we will keep you up to date with when. _

_A few notes – this story will contain significant spoilers for Lair of the Shadow Broker. We will be incorporating certain elements from author Huntington's Bride's Shadow Play. The link can be found under our favourites. The author has given us permission to do so. _

_Also – the chapters will be shorter than they had been for Shattered Reality. Where almost each of the previous story's chapters clocked in around 10,000 words – this will be about half. We've found that 5,000 words are more manageable. _

**Chapter 01**

**It was a question she asked herself almost every day.** She had thought that it was rhetorical, that there was no answer. There were many questions like that these days. Questions that stemmed from the most frightening places of her memory.

_What am I doing here?_

Helena didn't know and it was _frustrating._ Or that's what she told herself. When fear tried to wash over what calm she maintained, when terror tried to break through the clouds of her anger, _that_ was what she told herself. She wasn't _scared,_ she wasn't _terrified,_ she wasn't even _bothered_ by her nightmares, by screams that haunted her in the darkness.

No. She was simply frustrated because she had a question that didn't seem to have an answer.

_What is an author in a created world?_

She didn't think that she could answer that because _this was not her world._ But it was a world, a world created by her friend. Her friend that was as lost as she was. Pulled from their own reality, the two of them had come to the universe of the Mass Effect game more than a month ago. But not just the game, they came to Rinn's imagined _fan fiction_ version of it. The story that had not yet been written, not completely. But the story which conclusion Helena knew. That Helena had _helped_ fashion in some way. The story of an indoctrinated Katelyn Theresa Shepard.

A Shepard that failed.

"Helena?"

The voice made her shiver. The touch…

Helena blinked and stared at the person beside her, a dark-haired woman that looked of Latin origin. Of course, a lot of humans looked that way these days, their skin blended with various shades of undertones. It was what happened to humanity in the future, the appearance of aliens had turned away most bias to race and colour. It was something Helena appreciated about the future because she had come from a country where various forms of racism were almost an everyday occurrence.

"Helena, did you hear me?" The woman had her hand on her back, the other in the crook of her right elbow.

_Hear you?_ Helena thought and blinked, pulling herself away from her thoughts. She shivered again and realised that she had let go of the blanket that covered the half-naked part of her body. _Hear you?_ She tried to focus, get a grip on reality and try to _remember_ the last words the woman had spoken to her.

_I had been listening… sort of._

"I asked if it's comfortable, it's not supposed to pull anywhere. Can you move your elbow for me?"

Helena shivered again, noticed a dark hair on her pants and wished that she could pick it off. The woman's touch in her arm was giving off the slightest sensation of _burning_. It was imaginary, she knew it. That was what kept her from jerking away. _I hate touch._

"I ah, I can," Helena said and took a steadying breath. She was sitting on a table like bed, used in therapy. "That I can, most certainly. Sorry..." She had to think for a moment. "Annie."

Annie. Dr Annie Proux. She was a doctor of physical therapy, of _rehabilitation._ This was only Helena second visit to her, but the woman had been very informal from the beginning, insisting on addressing each other on a first name basis. It wasn't that odd to Helena. Physiotherapists in her time didn't have a title, but science had become more specialised in the future. And Nos Astra only let in the best, only allowed the very, very best 'aliens' to practice. It was for their own good of course. The city, and planet, was asari controlled and they had hundreds of years to become experts in their field. Only a few non-asari scientists could make the cut and Annie seemed to have been among the select few.

The doctor was looking at her, waiting. She seemed to study Helena's features then glanced at her assistant, a young asari maiden with hopes of becoming a therapist herself one day.

"Helena, are you alright?" She said. "Is the brace hurting you? You have to tell me, the idea is not for it to be uncomfortable."

_Uncomfortable? Your touch is uncomfortable._

Helena bit her tongue hard and stopped the shiver that threatened to erupt in her right elbow. "I'm good," she said. "Sorry, just thinking. You asked me to move my elbow?"

The physiotherapist nodded, studying her critically. Helena wondered what she knew about her, what had been carried over with her files. She had been on Illium for two weeks, spending most of her time in and out of hospital as the doctors finished Miranda's reconstruction. Her muscles, tendons and nerves had all but completely regenerated. Skin had been planted over her wound. But that was just half of the journey, half of the rehabilitation. The truth was that she still faced weeks of therapy to get to use the shoulder again. To learn how to control her own body. The muscles might've regenerated, but they might as well have been a part of someone else's body. Helena couldn't move them. The nerves tingled and ached, but refused to obey her.

They had to be _taught._

Helena was strangely detached about the whole process. She had to because otherwise the constant attention would've driven her mad. Besides, she had other things with which to occupy her mind.

_What is an author in a created wor__l__d? _She asked herself again as she carefully moved her arm, allowing herself to feel the unfamiliar sensation on her shoulder and neck. _What am I in this one?_

"That's good," Annie murmured. "Any discomfort?"

_Apart from the usual…_

"No," Helena said and tried to smile. "It feels fine."

Annie smiled at her, but Helena got the feeling that she didn't quite trust her answer. _Well tough._

"As I've explained," the physio said with a friendly smile. "Last thing off at night, first thing on in the morning. With this you won't need to wear the sling anymore. You're going to need helping putting it on at first; I was hoping that Dr T'Soni would be here today."

Helena tried to study the brace that had been strapped to her shoulder and upper arm, but decided to wait until she had a mirror. "She has business to attend to," she said. "But she'll be fine. I'll have help."

The physiotherapist raised her brow and made a note on her datapad. "I'll follow up," she said. "Now, as I've explained to you, I've programmed it with a set of exercises. We're going to run through them now. At first, they will be automatic, you just need to program in the time that you are ready. I need you to do them twice a day. When I see you again, we'll see how the muscles have responded and adjust the setting. The idea is to guide your muscles into becoming responsive. To trigger the nerve pathways. Do you remember?"

Helena did and didn't particularly like Annie's tone. When they first met, right after her last surgery, Annie had explained to her what her treatment would be like for the next few months. Helena had paid attention on that day and even if she hadn't she'd still have been able to put two and two together.

But Helena nodded none the less and smiled, hiding her irritation. She couldn't blame Dr Proux for checking up on her. She _had_ been distracted throughout the meeting, but she couldn't help herself. Her mind was… everywhere.

"I think I'll just go over it again," Annie said. "And I want you to explain it to Dr T'Soni. You are still living with her?"

_Not for long,_ Helena thought happily but nodded.

"A mate's joining us," she said, giving voice to the thought that had been her biggest distraction all day. "My mate. She's coming in from abroad." Abroad was a vague term in the future, it could've meant _anywhere_ within the known and unknown galaxy so people rarely asked for specifics.

Annie smiled, seemingly genuinely happy for her. The doctor's fingers were moving over the edge of the brace, checking for folds. She still had her hand on Helena, but had shifted it to her upper arm.

"Tell me when it hurts," she said. "See if you can follow my movement. That's nice, is it a visit?"

Helena hesitated, then smiled and shook her head. "No," she said, unable to hide her excitement. "It's permanent. Rinn is… she's coming to live here. Work here. She's… a good mate of mine."

Annie's eyes met hers again and she smiled. "That's very good to hear, Helena," she said. "If she's going to live with you, I would suggest bringing her to the next session. It's good that your... mate knows what needs to be done."

The thought made sense, but it still made Helena cringe. In a way, she wanted Rinn to have as little to do with her arm as possible. Not because she didn't trust her friend, but because she felt that the woman hardly needed a reminder of what had happened in the mine almost two months before.

But one of the hardest lessons she's learned since coming to this created world was that she needed help. And, if she swallowed her pride, there was nothing wrong with that.

"I think it looks good," Annie was saying, still talking about the brace. "I'll follow up with you tonight to hear if you're in any pain. It might need some more adjusting. Are you ready to run through the exercises with me?"

Helena's enthusiasm was very fake.

"Bring it on," she said, but her mind was drifting again, thinking about Rinn, thinking about her shoulder, thinking about Nos Astra and all its aliens.

_A new life,_ she thought. _A new reality. Even a new shoulder._ She turned her gaze out of the window as Annie began to instruct her on how to conduct the exercises.

_But to what point? What was the meaning of all of this? Why am I here?_

It was something she couldn't wait to discuss with Rinn. Heck, she couldn't wait to have a face-to-face conversation with her friend. Two weeks weren't a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it felt like a lifetime.

_And being here will finally allow us some privacy,_ Helena thought happily. _Rinn and I might finally be able to have a decent conversation._

* * *

**It was the colours that struck her.** The cool white lights lighting the walkways; the softened pallet of the restaurants, shops and trade posts; the periwinkle skyline submitting to darker hues of blue as the dusk faded behind tall, intimidating buildings decorated by streams of the flickering whites and reds of skycar lights. Intimidating might have been the best word to use when describing her reaction to what she was taking in. Beautiful, inspiring and intimidating. A world in which she could disappear. A world in which she felt very, very small.

That's how Rinn felt as she walked out of the Normandy. Nervous, overwhelmed and very small despite her tall, broad-shouldered frame. She towered over most of those who stood around her and yet they all seemed far more at ease with their surroundings than she did. Perhaps it was because they were used to it, used to where they fit in it, used to being part of it all. Rinn felt none of that and she knew she wouldn't have even if circumstances hadn't made her even more foreign to the world - to any world. To the universe at large.

She tried very hard not to think about that and the now familiar, and completely sub-conscious, itch at the base of her skull where Miranda Lawson had inserted the cybernetic implant that allowed her to be herself. She tried not to think of the myriad of worries that bombarded her as hard as everything around her. What if it got zapped? What if it got hacked? What if? What if?

_Shut up._

A hand came to rest on her lower back and her green eyes met that of Katelyn Shepard. The touch was meant to be comforting and Rinn felt both gratitude for the commander's understanding and resentment that she needed to be strengthened. That she couldn't just be strong on her own.

"Ready?" the ginger asked softly and Rinn gave a small nod. "Alright," Katelyn said, shifting the small, light-weight container in the crook of her elbow. "Let's go."

The pathways were clean. Perhaps not clean enough to eat from, as the saying goes, but pretty darn close. The Galaxy News Network screen the group walked past informed them that Delumcose Systems CEO Jaxum Borlin was actually a fake and that Rolan Quarn had been impersonating him for two years. The name meant nothing to Rinn, but there was this niggling sensation that she had heard or read something about that before. She made a mental note to look it up later.

Beyond the news screen, the hybrid could hear traders and customers inform, negotiate, argue and haggle their way into equitable transactions. Like walking through a multi-cultural city, Rinn picked up the races as one would have recognized languages. Turian, asari, human, volus, hanar – an interesting, though overwhelming, cacophony. She inhaled deeply taking in the scent of so many different races all together.

Along with a stronger, hardier body, Rinn had discovered that other things had changed as well. Her sight was no longer plagued with the slightest astigmatism that worsened her already bumbling form. Her hearing was sharper and her olfactory sense was also enhanced. It made sense. Husks were hunters. Frontline foot soldiers. Why would they not be equipped to stalk after their prey?

A few people paused to look their way. Some allowed themselves only a single glance while others stared outright. Katelyn's shoulders twitched and then squared again, walking as the soldier – as the commander – she was. Rinn frowned at their spectators, wondering what they were thinking.

Soon enough, their feet found familiar steps as Katelyn led them through the front entrance of Liara's offices. The realisation sent a shiver through the hybrid and she swallowed down a nervous lump, all while trying to ignore the knot in her stomach. She wasn't sure what they'd find. The locale would be different, that much Rinn knew. It was one of the things she had considered peculiar before they had found themselves stuck in this galaxy. There would have to be a front door – and there was. There would thus have to be a front desk, more than one office, perhaps a conference room to the side. She had never nailed down the image in her mind, but she somehow knew that what was upstairs would make more sense to her. Even if the question why did not. This existence was, at least to some extent, her own. And while she knew that she had no real control, she also knew that there would be small changes that made the place her own. Even though she didn't know Katelyn fully, what she guessed about Katelyn ended up being true. As she learnt, so it was. At least with Katelyn who was her own character after all, and at least in the small things. So then why not in something as simple as office space?

But it was not the change of office space that worried her, but rather the asari somewhere in it. Katelyn's Liara was... warmer… That much Rinn knew. She loved the commander. She would fight for her – the story would have demanded that. Beyond that, however, the hybrid did not know what she'd find. The asari wasn't her own creation and wasn't a personality she had remotely figured out. And Liara's character in the story was also based on the future Rinn no longer remembered. No longer had access to due to the nanocytes stuck to her synapses and wherever else. She couldn't form any picture as result and the uncertainty unnerved her a little. A part of her was excited. She had been fond of Liara as the archaeologist. Insanely naive – almost to the point of irritation – the asari still had held a quality that tugged at Rinn. A quality that no doubt pulled at Katelyn too. But Liara as the information broker? There wasn't enough in the initial ME2 that gave insight. Apart from Katelyn running around hacking terminals for her, the asari became more a shadow than a friend.

The front desk was empty, but the commander didn't pause, walking past what seemed to be a conference room and directly into an open office nearby. Liara T'Soni stood near the door, her eyes bright despite her otherwise neutral features. The asari's presence made her height deceptive. She didn't _feel _small, but she was only about as tall as Katelyn was, well short of Rinn and the other occupant who stood deeper in the room.

Helena did not look the same as she had before the mine, but then she never had since then. Still that difference seemed to be more pronounced. She looked smaller. _Diminished_, the word came to mind. Yet she stood as straight-shouldered as her injury allowed, keeping her right arm close to her body, its hand hidden in her pocket. She had her chin up and her eyes were clear, observing. She was always watching, always listening.

_She might be good at information brokering._

When their gazes met, she smiled at Rinn, though it too seemed unsure. _Maybe she's just in pain._ The hybrid returned the unsteady smile with one of her own.

Liara's face softened ever so slightly as her and Katelyn's eyes met. Rinn felt a shift in the air, subtle but there. In her story, she knew the two loved each other, just like something was growing between Katelyn and Samara. For some reason though, her past self had leaned towards the latter pairing, but she didn't know why. It didn't make sense now, seeing these two together in the office, but the nagging feeling remained. Perhaps it was simply that their path wasn't as simple. Perhaps it would take longer with more questions, more reasons for them to be together or not. Perhaps Samara's presence was only there to strengthen Katelyn while they fought through the indoctrination. Rinn tried not to frown as she puzzled it over, then stowed it away in the back of her mind while Liara inclined her head to the ginger.

"Commander."

"Good to see you again, Liara," Katelyn smiled warmly at her friend.

Rinn turned her gaze from the two to take in the office. It had the hints of ME2: The wide desk, the view of the trading room floor, the large screen on the back left where Liara had bullied someone, using Benezia's threat.

_Have you ever faced an asari commando…?_

She frowned at the memory, then turned her mind back to the office. It wasn't smaller, but the space was better utilized. It looked more comfortable, less sterile. It felt like a place of business, but not as cold and concrete as the game had had it.

She let her eyes trail back to the desk, then up at Helena who was standing quietly beside it. Her friend was watching Katelyn intently, scrutinizing her in a manner not all that different from how she had when both were still bed-bound in the Normandy's infirmary. Helena could be friendly if she wanted to be, but it seemed that she had not yet made that choice around Katelyn. She finally turned her attention to Rinn and gave her a smile. The gesture soothed the hybrid somewhat.

"And you, Katelyn," Liara was saying. "We have to make this a habit."

"Hopefully we can arrange that," the commander replied, giving the asari's arm a gentle squeeze. Then she looked at Helena. "Hi, Helena," she greeted and Rinn could hear reserve colour Katelyn's tone. "I trust you are well?"

The same sense of reserve, no, _formality_ manifested from Helena. "I am. I'm not sure about Dr T'Soni." She smiled and it seemed genuine. "Hello, Commander." Helena's eyes touched Rinn again. "Hey."

Rinn felt her tongue lock like an athlete stumbling at the starting blocks and managed a garbled 'hi'. She suppressed a grimace, instead rewarding her friend with a rueful smile. _Very smooth, Rinn._

Katelyn and Liara quietly witnessed the exchange – much to the hybrid's dismay – and the commander straightened, turning her head to the asari. "I don't believe you two have been officially introduced. Liara," Katelyn gestured to Rinn. "This is Erinn, or better known as Rinn. Rinn, this is Dr Liara T'Soni."

"A pleasure to meet you," the asari smiled a business-like smile and extended her hand.

Her right hand.

Rinn's hand clenched for a split second as ice cold horror trickled down her spine. _Don't be foolish. You have a hand. You can do this. _She forced herself to take the asari's as naturally as possible. Liara's hand was smaller than hers. As such, even the stub of her ring finger easily slipped over the other's palm. _See? How hard was that? Idiot._

"You as well," she said with a nervous smile. She made sure her grip was firm and was pleased to feel the same from the asari. A lot could be belied by one's handshake. Rinn would rather have it be crushing than some kind of weak, floppy thing.

Liara let go of her hand, as if there was nothing strange about it, and stepped back smoothly. That in itself consoled the hybrid. As Helena approached, Katelyn gave a soft cough, drawing Rinn's attention to the commander and the container still in her arm.

"Oh!" Rinn exclaimed softly, dropping her shoulder bag and the case containing her guitar quickly so she could take the gift from the commander. She turned to Helena. "I... thought you might like this." Carefully she took the covering off, allowing her frowning friend to see it for the first time. It was a glass tank, hardly containing a couple of litres' worth of water and within swam a small, vibrantly-coloured fish.

"We got this on the Citadel, though it actually comes from here," Rinn rambled while Helena blinked at the her friend's eyes widened. "It's fine as it is now. I mean, it doesn't need a tank or anything right at this moment. And it also likes other fish, so it's not territorial or anything... I think..." She broke off as she noticed how Helena's face absolutely lit up. "I... hope you like it."

"No, no, no it's perfect," Helena crouched, examining it closely. "No," she shook her head, seeming to realise what she said. "I mean, yes. Rinn, it's wonderful. Are you sure it's alright? Does it have the right water and everything?"

The hybrid smiled down at her friend. "Yeah. Kelly's been keeping an eye on it and says it's fine. I got some stuff in my bag for it and instructions on my omnitool. We're set."

"Fantastic," Helena breathed and straightened, giving Rinn's shoulder a grateful squeeze. The dark-haired woman took comfort in that.

The hybrid gave her friend a sheepish grin. "Kelly also assured me that it should be able to survive you. That was a key requirement."

Helena harrumphed. "I'll have Kelly know I'm the woman who had an eight-year-old gold fish." She exchanged a look with Liara. "And I've got just the spot for it." She smiled at Rinn. "Want to take a trip?"

_Uh, where?_

The hybrid felt proud that she didn't utter her first reaction, but she still frowned at Helena; then looked at Katelyn and Liara in question. _Was this already planned?_ The commander also looked a little perplexed when Helena gave her a small smile.

"We'll see them again," her friend said to no one in particular and it struck Rinn that she had intended the two of them to go alone. "You don't have to say goodbye now."

_May we?_

Liara made no objection as Helena took the fish from Rinn. The hybrid noted how carefully the ginger cradled the container, unconsciously biting her lip in concentration. Her right hand had come out of her pocket to steady it, but she didn't move anything more than her elbow. Then she motioned to Rinn to follow her back down the stairs.

The hybrid gave Katelyn another questioning look and the commander smiled at her, giving her a small pat on the shoulder. "Go on," she encouraged.

Rinn bent down quickly, gathered her things and with a final nod set off after her friend.

* * *

**Watching the two leave, Liara spared a glance at Katelyn, studying the commander's features as her gaze followed – not Rinn, but Helena. **Something seemed to be bothering her, but when she turned back to Liara, the look vanished to one of cautious amusement.

"So, you let her travel on her own?"

Liara smiled slightly and motioned Kate deeper into her office. "I can't chaperone her all the time," she confessed. "Firstly, I don't think she would like that and it's simply not practical. My people know to keep an eye out for her, she is safe Katelyn."

Katelyn nodded, but her gaze returned back to the corridor. "Rinn is as well," she said quietly. "We've tested the signal before we came. It's stable."

Moving to her desk where she already had some tea set out, Liara sat down – not behind it but on one of the guest chairs so that she could sit beside Katelyn.

"And the software you told me about?" she queried. "The program that monitors the signal?"

The thought seemed to darken Katelyn's mind as she took the seat opposite Liara's. "Miranda said that she'll install it on Helena's omnitool, give her the ability to monitor her friend. And on yours of course, if you require it."

In a way, Liara felt as if she did, but she shook her head. "I'll leave that to Helena," she said. "Ultimately I guess she would be the best judge." When she saw Katelyn's questioning look, she sighed. "It's a trust thing, Katelyn," she pointed out. "Helena and I have… an arrangement."

Katelyn nodded slowly, her gaze wondering again as if she was picturing the ginger standing in front of her. "How _has_ she been doing?" she queried. "Helena I mean. She looks… tired."

Liara took a moment to consider the answer, pouring her and the commander each a cup of tea. "She's had a long day," she said. "And she was at the physiotherapist this afternoon. I still need to forward the report to Officer Lawson. Is she coming?"

Katelyn smiled briefly, nodding as she did so. "Her one contact is leaving town tomorrow," she pointed out. "So she decided to follow up with her first. She should be here shortly."

Liara had to keep herself from smiling as she nodded. "Hopefully not too quickly," she said as her smile briefly slipped into place. "It will… give us some time to catch up. Or… not catch up, we speak a lot, but I mean…" She trailed off and felt silly. "It's just nice to have you here, Katelyn. I'm glad you decided to stay a few days."

The commander nodded, her gaze warm. "As much as we can manage," she said. "I would like to see Rinn settled. Make sure that she's… alright."

For that, Liara was grateful as well, but she didn't point it out lest Katelyn mistook it as distrust towards the hybrid. She still felt uncomfortable taking responsibility for the woman, knowing that she was like a loaded gun without a safety. But she had told Katelyn that she would and she would stick with it.

Besides, like Helena, she had found a place for the hybrid, one she hoped would be satisfactory.

"If she's like Helena," she said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. "Then I'm sure she'll settle in just fine."

Katelyn's eyes were surprisingly sad as she leaned forward. "That's just the thing, Liara," she said quietly. "Something you have to understand is that Rinn and Helena are nothing alike…"

* * *

"**So in summary, Oriana is fine and doing exceptionally well adjusting to her new home," Lanteia was saying, seated at the opposite end of their private booth in Eternity. **"It is becoming more difficult to be discreet however. Now that she knows you're looking out for her, she has a knack for spotting my people. She's a fast learner that one, I can tell that she's your sister."

The asari smiled warmly, but Miranda didn't return it. She had known Lanteia for a years and they had… an understanding. The best way to describe Lanteia was to say that she was Oriana's secret _handler_. Miranda had not trusted Cerberus wholly with her sister and had employed the asari ex-mercenary nearly ten years ago to keep an eye on the younger woman. That _investment_ of hers to ensure that she had someone outside the Cerberus payroll to watch out for her sister's wellbeing had paid off, but a part of her could never really _trust_ the asari. The alien had access to her greatest weakness.

Her sister.

"Has she tried to approach you?" Miranda asked instead, keeping her voice neutral. "I still expect arrangements to be the same. I want no interference in her life."

Smiling amused, Lanteia nodded and took a sip of her drink. "I understand," she said, her eyes bright. "I should warn you though, she's curious, Lawson. She's curious about you. Now that she knows about you, she sees… everything. It's like… those old fashioned three dimensional pictures. At first you struggle to see it, but once you have the hang of it…" She shrugged and briefly looked up, scanning the room in an old mercenary habit. "You can't _un_-see it. You can't stop looking. You've shown her a pattern that she's been wondering about for a long time."

Miranda grimaced and thought about that, thought the wisdom of approaching her sister. She had been so… _emotional_ after fighting Enyala and seeing Nikett die. It had not been difficult for Katelyn to convince her to approach her sister. She had _wanted_ to do it for some time, but had always told herself that it was unnecessary. Katelyn's… encouragement had changed that for just a moment and she had thought at the time that perhaps she had been foolish to deny her sister the knowledge of her true origins and family.

Now, she wasn't so sure. The past couldn't be undone, however, and she couldn't _wipe_ Oriana's memory. The risk of damaging her mind was too great.

So she found that she had to _trust_ people more. She had to trust Lanteia to continue keeping it a secret. She had to _trust_ Oriana not to make any mistakes and continue to seek her out. She had to learn to trust in people she had always considered beneath her and it was an odd space.

Katelyn had given her room to _feel_ and, perhaps like those three dimensional pictures that Lanteia spoke of, now that she had allowed herself that space, it was difficult to draw back.

"All I continue to ask of you is to keep her safe, Lanteia," Miranda said and meant every word. "If she does manage to approach you, remind her that she should contact me with questions. Remind her that it is not safe to ask anyone else. Not _safe_ to go digging. She is exceptional yes, but she is also normal. I want her to continue to have what she has now. A normal life. Her idea of mine is too romantic."

Lanteia nodded and drained her drink, hearing the finality in Miranda's tone and knowing her well enough by now to know that the meeting was over. "I will do so, Lawson," she said and winked. "As long as you can afford to pay me."

That was an old joke, but one Miranda wasn't willing to call Lanteia's bluff on. She paid the asari handsomely for the work that she did. Lanteia had said occasionally that she would do it for free as well, but Miranda wasn't willing to risk it. She liked their arrangement as it was. She didn't want to owe anybody any favours and paying Lanteia kept it professional.

The asari had turned to leave, they rarely bothered with formal goodbyes, but Miranda found that she wasn't _quite_ done yet.

"Lanteia," she said, calling the woman back. "May I have one more moment of your time?"

The asari turned and for in an instant, she was _all_ asari. "Lawson, I've been waiting for you to say those words for years," she said with an all too flirtatious grin.

"Don't start," Miranda said, but her tone wasn't as harsh as it had been in the past. "Did you look into that other matter?"

The asari's features became professional. "I have," she said. "My contacts couldn't find anything. If those people were traded as slaves within the last decade, they didn't go through any of our markets."

Miranda stilled a sigh and nodded. "Thank you, Lanteia," she said simply. "I appreciate you looking into it."

The asari smiled at her, no hint of curiosity about the subject visible in her eyes. It was one of the things Miranda _really_ appreciated about her. Lanteia never asked unnecessary questions.

She stayed behind when the asari left the booth and simply sat there for a moment, listening to the murmur of the other patrons, listening to the rhythm of the music. The cacophony of noise made her feel strangely depressed as she stared at her wine, turning the glass around as she studied the movements of the yellow liquid. A reflection caught her attention and she looked up to see the couple who had been two tables below her get up and move to the dance floor, their features bright with excitement and their eyes suggesting that they were high on life and alcohol.

Miranda watched them until they reached the dance floor and then simply pushed her wine aside and left the club to join Katelyn's meeting with Liara.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: For a link to the comic Helena refers to, please see our profile page._

**Chapter 02**

"**I dislike driving. Intensely." **

They had only travelled about one block, but Helena could already feel her stomach turning. In the life before, she had been very prone to motion sickness and _flying_ in a taxi was no different than driving in one on the ground. Helena's stomach was not a very pleasant travelling companion.

Rinn didn't look at her, her gaze glued out of the window as she looked at the brightly lit buildings and the trails of light in the sky. "I think it's good that my first ride is in the dark," her friend confessed eventually, her voice low but filled with wonder. "I can't imagine I'd want to be able to look down."

Helena smiled to herself, studying the box on her lap. The fish seemed a little shell-shocked and she didn't blame it. _I have a fish. A link to home._

"There's a lot of down in Nos Astra," she pointed out and turned to study her friend again. She wasn't dressed in Cerberus slacks, which was a relief and a _must_ in Nos Astra with its high alien population. _We're the aliens here._ "I guess we'll get used to it."

She felt Rinn sigh and saw her sad smile. "Added to the list," she said and grew silent again, her dull green eyes studying the world beyond. Helena looked at her and had to suppress a shiver. Suppress her fear.

"_You should be afraid, Helena,"_ the husk had said when they were in the AI Core, her eyes glowing. _"Because they know about you now. They know everything about you that I did. Your fears, your insecurities. And your knowledge."_

_Stop it! _

Helena forced herself to master her thoughts, to master her mind. And, she forced herself to see her friend, to _look_ at her again. Rinn did look better since she had seen her last. She looked… healthy. It seemed to radiate from her. Helena found her gaze travelling to Rinn's hand, half expecting it to be whole. It wasn't. _O__f_ _course_ it wasn't, but the scarring on it looked old. _Something to get used to. Something to add to the list._

When Rinn turned and found her looking at her, Helena sat up a bit straighter and smiled at her friend. "Hey you," she said gently and meant it this time. It had felt too staged when they first met, too… crowded. Everybody had been watching them, they had been _watched_ ever since they arrived and now…

Now they finally had some privacy.

Rinn's gaze was travelling over her body, studying her as she had done moments before, taking in every change, every difference. Time and again her gaze kept returning to Helena's head and the marked absence of her hair. There was some growth already, but Helena knew that it would take _years_ before her hair reached the length that it had been. It seemed to bother Rinn the most, but her friend smiled regardless, her cheeks coloured slightly with embarrassment.

"Hey," she said, her voice nearly a whisper. "How are…" She changed the sentence mid breath. "Are you okay?"

_Am I?_ Helena thought. With Rinn here, she felt more grounded. Better.

"I am," she said and realised it wasn't entirely the truth. _I have to be honest with her, I have to try, she's all I have here._ "Or…" She sighed and smiled to try and lighten the darkness she was inviting into her conversation. "I am trying to do okay." She felt Rinn's eyes meet hers. "Guess that's all we have." She smiled at her friend. "I'm just glad you're here. You make me feel more real." Before Rinn could comment, she threw in a question of her own. "You? Are you doing okay? Are you okay?"

She saw it, the concern in Rinn's features. But it was fleeting, as if she was too tired to master herself. Rinn looked away, back to the darkness of the world outside.

"We… tested out the… whatever," she said. "Before I came. So it works." The mention of Miranda's machine made Helena angry for a moment. _I'm not asking about that!_ "And I heal quickly," Rinn continued, moving her hand. "So, no more aches and pains." She shrugged. "So yes… I _am_ glad to see you again." Rinn closed her eyes and shrugged again. "Just… Nervous."

Helena considered her words for a moment, looking at the fish again, running her fingers over the edge of it. She was terrified of dropping it. _Nervous? Does she think she's the only one? Does she even want to be here? _Her thoughts turned inside her own mind, her own insecurities. But, then she settled.

_Be patient with her Helena, be kind._

She smiled at Rinn and for a moment allowed her own nerves to show.

"I'm nervous too," she whispered. "But not about Miranda's machine, alright? I trust it. I know it won't fail." _Faith? Do you have faith in that machine?_

Rinn turned back to her and the fear that pulsed from her was almost consuming. But then she smiled and nodded. "And you're here," she said simply and relaxed, though her hand had clenched in her lap. "It does feel weird, doesn't it?" Rinn gaze met hers, searching. "Does it feel weird to you?"

_Hello Rinn._

Helena smiled and patted the fish tank. "We're in Nos Astra," she said with a wink. "Of course it feels weird. And we're alone, for the first time since… Since we came here. It's alright to be scared, Rinn. I think it's okay if it feels weird." She glanced out of the window. "It means we don't take weird for granted."

Rinn gave her a hesitant smile, but her uncertainty remained. Helena realised suddenly that she looked apprehensive and there was also a nervous edge to the way she kept looking out of the window. _Of course, she doesn't know where we're going and have become so used to having her life organised for her that she doesn't dare ask._

"Rinn," she said with a gentle smile. "Do you want to know where we're going? I wanted to make it a surprise, but… people don't always like those." _I certainly don't._

She felt her friend's relief almost immediately and Rinn nodded slowly, her eyes meeting Helena's with apprehension. The ginger made sure to smile, to be gentle and to show her excitement. To show _something._

"Liara got us an apartment," she said. "There wasn't space for another in hers. And I think she misses her own space. I haven't stayed there yet, but… We're going to. Tonight."

She saw confusion on Rinn's features at first as her mind tried to catch up with what she had heard. The idea clearly surprised her and Helena wondered where Rinn thought they were heading. But, then the idea seemed to settle in her mind and she smiled, delighted.

"Our… _own_ place?" Rinn queried, making sure that she understood right. "We're allowed?"

_Allowed,_ Helena thought and had to refrain from snorting. "I might be Dr T'Soni's secretary," the ginger said dryly. "But I'm not her prisoner." She shook her head, turning her gaze out of the window. "I told her I'll pick up the rent once I've got my first pay check. So we won't have to look to her for charity. We'll… make it work."

She felt Rinn studying her, but didn't turn around to meet her friend's gaze, to see the question in her eyes.

"What are we doing here, Lena?"

Picking out something that might've been familiar, Helena decided that they must be close. _What are we doing here?_

"_What is an author in a created world?" _

She didn't realise that she had spoken out loud when Rinn all but breathed an answer beside her.

"A god," she whispered as Helena turned to her in surprise. "Or a slave." Rinn looked down to her hands, unwilling to look at Helena.

Staring at her friend, the ginger shivered. "And what are we?" she queried. _What am I doing here?_

Rinn still didn't look at her, her gaze fixed on the scar of her right hand. "Both," she whispered and said no more. Helena shivered and had to look away.

_You might be a god here,_ she thought. _But this is not my world, so that only leaves me with being the latter. _

"It was supposed to be a rhetorical question," she said and knew that in a way it still was because she had still not gotten her answer. She sighed and considered her words. "I'm not quite sure what we're doing, to be honest." She pointed out. "Things have been a bit crazy. I was in hospital more often than not. When I wasn't in hospital I was… sleeping." She snorted at her own weakness, at the hours she wasted lying on Liara's couch recovering, watching Blasto. "This week Liara's started me on an… orientation course."

Rinn's gaze shot to hers. "As they do with indentured servants?"

_Close,_ Helena thought. _But not quite._

"It's run by the same company," Helena pointed out. "But Liara's contract with them is private. My contract with her is… an arrangement. Employee to employer. I'm not _her_ slave. I can leave whenever I want to." _But I can't leave this world._ Her gaze turned to Rinn. "So will you. When she's found a place. She hasn't discussed it with me yet. I think she wants to run it by Shepard first." Helena smiled dryly. "See? Slaves to the Shepard."

She felt Rinn's sadness and it was strange. _Why are you sad?_ When Rinn realised that she had caught a glimpse of the emotion, she tried to smile.

"I guess so," she whispered.

_Why is it so hard to be with you?_ Helena wondered and looked back out of the window, her mind still working against her will. _Slaves._

She couldn't help herself and smiled. "Wonder if we should call her Mistress Shepard," she mused, amusing herself for a moment. "Sunstone style."

Rinn made a snorting sound as she covered her eyes with her right hand. It had been the same reaction that she had shown when Helena introduced her to the somewhat kinky comic. In the ginger's opinion however, it had broadened her friend's horizons tremendously.

"You're terrible," the hybrid moaned. "Honestly."

Grinning, Helena reached out and poked at her friend. "Come now," she said. "You always figure I'd do well with a good spanking."

Rinn groaned softly and closed her other hand over her face. Helena took the moment to smile at Rinn, allowing herself to feel the sadness that she did whenever she looked at her friend. She traced her hand over the fish's bowl and stared down to see if it was still alright.

"You need to name it."

Helena blinked and turned back to her friend, realising that she had been studying her again. She snorted and looked out of the window with a smile, wondering how far they were from the apartment.

"You're obsessed with naming things," she pointed out good naturedly. "I bet you've already named the guitar."

Rinn blinked at her, her features darkening with embarrassment in the dim light. "It... does it matter?" She queried. "You named all your other fish."

Helena shook her head amused. "Garrus, Shepard, Wrex," she pointed out. "It's hardly appropriate now. What's the guitar's name?" She made sure not to sound condescending, but open, if amused with the concept. Her friend had always insisted on naming everything that she owned. The habit went beyond Helena, but it was endearing.

"Z'dan," her friend murmured, not looking at her as there was a slight shift in vertigo as the taxi started to descend.

Smiling, happy that her friend was still herself, Helena glanced at the fish. _It does need a name. It's a living thing. And it's mine, my responsibility. _"And what does it mean? Why did you name it that?"

She couldn't tell whether Rinn was embarrassed or just simply awkward. "It's… quarian," she said. "Tali told me. It means delight." Her features softened in the light as she smiled at Helena. "The guitar... gives me that."

The taxi settled down in a parking space a lot earlier than Helena anticipated, bringing them home.

Pleased by what she heard, Helena hesitated then briefly reached out and touched Rinn's leg.

"I'm glad," she said simply and looked at their apartment building. "I'm very glad."

_At least something does._

* * *

"**I'm not quite willing to say that it's precognition yet," Liara was saying.** "But I will agree that there is something strange about Helena, Kate. Having spent some time with her…" The asari shrugged, though she didn't appear uncomfortable with the subject. "There are a few things I just… can't quite put my finger on."

Katelyn Shepard studied her old friend, taking note of how _comfortable _she seemed with talking. Yet, to Kate, it still didn't feel entirely _natural._ She knew a part of her would forever miss the shy scientist that she had picked up on Therum. True, Liara had gained a lot of social skills in the past two years and wasn't nearly as naïve as she had been when Kate first met her. But the commander couldn't help but wonder whether it had come at a price.

"Does she feel familiar to you?" Kate asked, hoping that someone else would be able to understand the connection that she felt with Rinn. "As if you've met her before?"

Liara frowned at her for a moment, immediately understanding what she meant. "No, Kate," she said. "It's not… that, exactly. But I do get the feeling that Helena knows me. Sometimes. And it's not just facts. I would have a conversation with her and get the feeling that she _knows_ where it's going to go and she's simply waiting for me to finish speaking out of courtesy. I do find that disturbing." She shook her head and then glanced at her omnitool when there was a polite beep from it. "Officer Lawson is coming up."

Kate immediately noticed the hesitation in her friend's voice and had to smile. "I think you can start calling her Miranda," she pointed out. "It might help."

She picked up on Liara's doubt immediately as the asari raised a brow in her direction and got up to go to the door. "Help break the ice, you mean?" she queried. "I'll try, Kate." The last was said with a bit of exasperation Katelyn had come to associate with most people's opinion of Miranda. It was hard to get past her outer cool.

But, it was worth it in Kate's experience.

She turned to see Liara open her office door, motioning Miranda inside. The asari met her gaze for the briefest of seconds before she smiled and stepped out of the Normandy XO's way.

"Miranda," she said warmly. "Welcome."

_Nicely played__,__ Liara,_ Katelyn thought amused, smiling at the Cerberus officer. _Bring her onto new ground immediately._ Miranda seemed startled by the use of her name, Liara's title dying on her lips.

"Do… Liara," she said simply and the name felt _tested_. "My apologies for the delay." Her blue eyes came up and met Kate's again. "Commander."

_Of course, she had to work on Miranda as well…_

"Miranda," Kate said unable to hide her amusement when Liara made big eyes at her behind Miranda's back. "Did your meeting go well?"

Her XO didn't bat an eye as she took in the room, looking for a place to sit. "Yes," she said simply. "Thank you for asking." The last was an almost mechanical addition.

Liara had moved past Miranda and brought out her chair from behind the desk. "Please sit," she said. "Can I get you anything to drink?" There was a silent _Officer Lawson_ behind that sentence.

Miranda looked ready to dismiss the offer when she caught Katelyn's look. Hesitating, the woman carefully took the offered seat. "That would be… good," she said. "Some juice, if you have. Have they left?"

_Down to business._

Liara appeared more comfortable with the topic as she nodded, bringing over a tray of three glasses. "Almost immediately," she said. "They can get themselves settled, catch up. I told Helena that we will bring them some supper later."

Miranda's eyes sharpened immediately at the mention of the ginger's name. "How has she been?" She asked somehow, Katelyn had _known_ that it would be her first question. _A lot of interest in our supposed soothsayer._

Liara glanced at Katelyn as she sat down. "We were just discussing her," she said. "Before you came."

Miranda raised her brow and sat back in expectation, _waiting_. Kate couldn't help but marvel at the presence of the woman, how she had managed to make it feel as if they were in an _audience_ with her. As if this very office _belonged_ to her.

"I think she's doing well," Liara said, starting the conversation from a bit of a broader angle. "You'll have to assess her recovery for yourself, but as far as I can tell there is improvement. Her skin grafts have taken and they decided to fit her shoulder brace this afternoon. I believe that is progress." Miranda nodded, but shifted for a moment, uncomfortable.

"I will see if I can find some time tomorrow," she said. "And they've gone to your apartment?" The slip, Katelyn suspected, was intentional.

"Their apartment," Liara corrected her. "Yes. We took Helena's stuff over this morning. We've actually had access since the start of the week, but I didn't feel comfortable with leaving her there on her own." The news didn't seem to surprise Miranda who raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow in question.

"Her nightmares?"

_Nightmares?_ Kate thought and sat forward a bit.

"She has bad dreams?" She queried and found the two women looking at her. _Their first hour on first name basis and already they have secrets amongst themselves._

"Yes," Liara said a bit surprised as she gave Miranda a questioning look. "I thought you'd have been… informed. Not… every night. Not always bad, but occasionally terrifying." She grimaced and glanced to her reception. "It started when she was still in hospital. They call it night terrors. I've been told it's perfectly normal given the trauma that she's been through." She glanced to Miranda. "She turned down my suggestion to see someone."

Miranda snorted, her eyes becoming sharper. "She would," she said dryly then paused when Kate gave her a look. "I didn't think to tell you, Kate. I'm sorry." She didn't really sound apologetic, but Katelyn let it slide, frowning.

"Liara, if you think she needs to be monitored," Katelyn began. "Then giving them their own apartment might not be wise. And you two will most certainly have to warn Rinn." _I would've had I known... _She knew what night terrors were. After Mindoir, they had send her to a facility to recover. Her physical wounds had been minimal, but mentally Katelyn had been broken almost beyond repair. She had woken up screaming and cowering in her room almost every night, sometimes hunched over her blankets as she tried to shake her dead brother alive. If Helena's nightmares were anything like that, she didn't feel comfortable with Rinn dealing with it.

_I want her to feel safe here._

"Helena knows what is at stake," Liara said, a bit defensively. "There is medication that she can take. To date she's been stubborn about it, but I think she would be more willing to take it if she knows she'll spare her friend. They have to find their own rhythm here, Kate. And the sooner they do it, the better."

Kate was still frowning. "So in a way you're manipulating her?" she pointed out and was a bit surprised when Miranda shifted and came to Liara's defence.

"I think what Liara tried to accomplish is to make Helena responsible for her own actions," she pointed out. "You know as well as I do, Kate, that you can't force her into anything, as foolish as it sounds. At their core, those two will protect each other, even from themselves." She turned to Liara. "I think it's a good idea, Dr T'Soni. But I will follow up with Helena." She seemed to steel herself against the thought. "I'll make an appointment with her tomorrow. I would like her to come to the Normandy."

Liara nodded. "I have nothing scheduled for tomorrow," she said. "I figured that there would be a few things that needed to be settled. When do you plan to leave?"

Miranda started to answer, but Katelyn beat her to it. "When I know they're settled," she said simply and her tone suggested that the statement was a law. Yet, her conscience scratched at her, reminding her that she was quite willing to send Helena off as quickly as she could two weeks ago without _really_ following up.

_But Rinn is different._

Liara decided to change the subject slightly. "As I said, we were discussing Helena before you came," she said to Miranda. "My impressions of her. I've had… the pleasure of spending quite a lot of time with her. And you are correct, she is bright." She glanced at Katelyn. "But there are things that bother me. Things I don't think you've had the time to observe. Or, which you might've observed with Rinn."

Miranda glanced at Kate and crossed her legs, waiting. "What are your observations?" she asked and Katelyn couldn't help but wonder how ethical it was to discuss two people as if they were _experiments_.

_But it wouldn't have been necessary if they were simply honest with us,_ Shepard dismissed her doubt immediately. _This is needed. We have to know. _

"I'm going to answer that with a question," Liara said and for a moment, she looked almost excited. This was almost like a _science_ to her. "How do you answer a call?"

The two from the Normandy stared at her. Not quite sure what she was on about, Katelyn shifted and glanced at Miranda to see if she understood. "I… You answer it," she said and felt stupid. "You know Liara. You just answer it."

The asari's eyes were bright as she considered their confusion. "We all know how to do that, right?" she pointed out. "You don't think about how it's done, you just _do_ it. Omnitools have been in use for hundreds of years, even your people had some version of it when you entered into the galaxy. My grandmother used to call me on mine when I was a child." She looked to Kate, seemed to consider saying something then decided against it. Miranda took the moment to interrupt.

"What's your point, Liara?" She queried, her impatience scratching at the surface of her cool tone. Liara paid it no mind and carried on, her eyes still bright as she looked at Katelyn.

"When Rinn called the night before Helena's surgery," she said. "I was there with her, waiting. We had just hooked her omnitool up to the general network so she could receive calls. That function had never been enabled by her previous employers. Kate, she had no idea what to do. She didn't even know what was happening. I had to inform her that she had a call."

Frowning, Kate glanced at Miranda to see what she made of it, but her XO's face was unreadable as she considered Liara's statement. When the asari realised that she wasn't opening up any debates, she pushed on.

"She also didn't know what the date was," she said. "And, I mean – no clue. It's one thing to lose track of time for month or two, I can understand that travel and trauma can do that. But when we were getting her papers in order she couldn't even tell me when she was born. She could tell me her age… If she was honest. Right up to the months and years on your Earth calendar but the moment you tried to convert that to universal time she faltered. She has no concept of time conversion, or allowance for spacial distance. As _bright_ as she is, she's completely clueless when it comes to a lot of day-to-day skills."

She sat back and considered the two women. "She's picking up quickly, you won't catch her making the same mistake twice. But fact is that she made them. And I can give you a hundred every day examples. Where to turn on the lights, how to make a cup of coffee. It's very odd."

Sharing a look with Miranda, Kateyn tried to imagine having noticed anything like that with Rinn. Miranda too seemed to think.

"The Normandy is a very controlled environment," Kate's XO said finally. "And we assumed that Rinn wouldn't know how everything worked as it is a military vessel." She turned to Kate in question who was still frowning. "Did you notice anything, Kate?"

After some consideration, Katelyn had to shake her head. "Kelly did her paperwork with her," she pointed out. "We will have to ask her, she's generally very observant." _But not of late, not after the base. Kelly's still traumatised._ "But I never really noticed anything… more out of the ordinary." She paused and sat forward. "But Miranda is right. The Normandy is a controlled environment and Rinn didn't really…" She tried to think whether Rinn had handled the call Liara had referred to, but then remembered that she had set it up for the woman. "She didn't really _have_ to do anything on her own."

Liara nodded and, if she was disappointed that they had not noticed anything she didn't show it. "It's just something I noticed," she said. "Something that really stood out for me." She paused for a moment, considering her next words. "Don't take this the wrong way please, but I feel as if Helena sometimes comes from another time. Another world or… frame of reference. The way she phrases things, the things that amuse her. I realise that it might be a cultural difference of course, but still. And, it's the small things, not the big ones that stand out."

Kate nodded, glancing at Miranda to see that she was frowning again as she always did when she considered her refugees. Liara in the meantime settled back a bit, clearly intent on changing the subject.

"Regardless of that," she said. "Helena is adapting well. I don't think I'll have a problem integrating her with my practice."

Kate wanted to thank Liara for her trouble, but Miranda's sharp gaze cut her off. "What do you intend for her to do?" she queried. "Do you intend for her to take over all of Nyxeris' duties or just the administrative side?"

The asari didn't answer immediately, her eyes cooler when she considered Miranda. "I will use her as I see fit," she said in a tone that made Katelyn sit up and glare at her old friend. "I'll use her where I can. We have not yet defined the extent of her duties."

"You said that you found a place for Rinn," Kate cut Miranda off before things got out of hand. "What do you have in mind, Liara?"

The asari and Miranda looked at each other for a second or two longer before Liara turned to Katelyn.

"The thing is, Kate," she said and her tone was kind again, friendly. "I don't think I'll be able to integrate Rinn into my practice. Not as she is. Helena will be more than sufficient as an administrator, even if she simply ends up answering my calls and doing some filing. I don't have another position open. I need an operative, not another secretary."

Something about the way she said it made Katelyn's stomach turn, but she couldn't quite imagine what made her uneasy.

"What are your plans then?" she asked. "Rinn can't be an operative. I can't see her being an information broker." Her tone became a bit more bitter. "She might be good at keeping secrets, but she's a terrible liar."

Liara looked at her and something passed her in her eyes. It wasn't anything Katelyn could put her finger on, but it was a shadow of a friend she didn't know. Not completely. Not in this new life.

"I don't need her to be an operative," she said haughtily. "From what I've heard about her, I don't think she'll make a good one either. But you all said it yourself. Helena will need protection. She will need someone to keep an eye on her. It might be from the reapers and their sleeper agents." Her cool gaze turned to Miranda. "It might be from Cerberus who will decide that her supposed gifts aren't something to ignore. She will need help and she is still unwell. Her friend on the other hand looks the picture of health. She's strong and if she has retained some of that husk's skills, she will be fast and vigilant. I think that can be used in Helena's favour. It can be used to protect her." She shook her head at a private thought and sat up, giving them both a cool look. It was that shadow again, the person that Katelyn didn't know and didn't know how to deal with.

"I can send her for training with one of my contacts," she pointed out. "He is willing to take her as a trainee. He will teach her to be a guard. To be the muscle Helena does not have. He can teach her to protect her friend."

Katelyn was silent, still reeling from what she had seen in Liara's eyes, but Miranda was fast to respond. Fast to think.

"Do you really think that is wise?" She queried coldly. "Teaching her to be more effective in combat? Teaching her to be a weapon when there is one in her mind that would happily use those newly acquired skills against us? Against Helena?"

Liara's gaze lost none of its chill as she looked at Miranda, blue ice meeting blue ice.

"If you have doubts about your machine's ability to keep her normal," she said simply. "You should not have brought her here in the first place."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 03**

**The fish was going to need a bigger tank.** Helena studied it for a moment, using her glasses to magnify her vision. The action was almost second nature to her now. They had offered to correct her eyesight at the medical facility but Helena had denied them, refusing to allow the staff to work on her vision. There were some things she wanted to keep about herself. To keep _whole_ regardless of the imperfections of the past.

And she liked her glasses. Helena had a feeling that she would look _really_ funny without her hair if they took her spectacles away from her as well.

_And this modification is awesome._

Still keeping her upper arm relatively tight against her chest, Helena tentatively raised her right hand to touch the glass, looking at the way the fish swam away from it, or tried to. It looked like an exotic betta fish. She had kept quite a lot of them in the life before. She had been somewhat of a fish enthusiast and wondered sometimes what it said about her, that fish keeping was among the things she took the most pleasure from in life.

_I like to watch, not interact._

She snorted at herself and was secretly pleased that the fish came closer to investigate the finger she had not removed from the glass.

There was a rather loud noise from the living room, as if someone had pushed against their coffee table. Helena looked up and saw that Rinn had returned. She looked awkward as she stood there in the middle of the room, rubbing her shin briefly before she straightened, her features hesitant as she gave Helena a tentative smile.

"It jumped in front of me I swear," her friend said embarrassed, but Helena couldn't help but wonder if she had kicked the table on purpose to draw attention. The ginger didn't miss the way her friend wrung her hands, her left hand's fingers playing over the scars that was left of her right.

"Have you thought of a name for it yet?" Rinn asked, trying to sound cheerful. "What about Robert? I've always liked the name."

Helena smiled, but dismissed the idea immediately. She used to name her fish after whatever she was busy with. If she was reading, the fish would get a name from the book that she had in hand. If she was playing games, the fish would get a name from there.

Robert had no meaning to her, no connection. In her mind, she'd just end up calling the fish Bob which was only a fraction better than _Blasto_ as was her initial plan.

_That would be too embarrassing__.__ I can hardly go about advertising the fact that I've become obsessed with the show. _

"Not quite," she said and took a step back so that she could lower her face to the glass. _A link between me and my past self._ "I think I have something."

Her friend came closer, her eyes bright. It had taken Helena a while to figure out that _naming_ things was very important to Rinn. That it made objects unique in her mind. Helena had always attributed it to her Sensing side.

"Oh," Rinn said and finally her slow approached stopped at the opposite end of the kitchen counter. Their apartment wasn't big and essentially had four segments. It had two bedrooms on opposite sides of living room. Helena realised later that she should probably have given Rinn a choice as to which one she would've wanted. As it were, she had chosen the one closer to the bathroom, for no reason other than her poor vision in the dark. Helena really didn't want to stumble across the living room whenever she wanted to do a midnight run. The attendant who had shown her and Liara the apartment the week before had assured her that most of the rooms were relatively soundproof. These apartments had been designed for cohabitation, not necessarily family living. As Helena understood it, a lot of the rooms were rented by students from a nearby college. It didn't matter to her; she had no intention of getting friendly with the locals. But, she appreciated the layout because she got the impression that both she and Rinn would be able to seek privacy if they needed it. The living room and kitchen was an open plan set up, with the kitchen stuffed into the corner beside Rinn's room. It was small and stocked with the barest of necessities. The apartment didn't have space for a dining table, but, if they chose to eat together, there was a little breakfast nook beside the door. To Helena, who had spent a few months living in a caravan when she travelled, it had everything that she needed.

Especially now that she had a fish.

"Care to share?" Rinn queried, still referring to the fish's name. Helena pulled her mental thoughts together and smiled, but she felt her stomach twist with anticipation.

"Bad Wolf," she said. "I'm thinking of calling it Bad Wolf." Saying the name out loud seemed to cement it.

_I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself._

Rinn's eyes brightened, seeming to recognise the reference. "So, if we get another fish," she said. "Which is inevitable with you, will you call it The Doctor?"

Caught out, Helena smiled embarrassed. She had come to Dr Who quite late in life, having needed a fellow INTJ to explain to her that it wasn't as silly as it appeared. Once she had gotten into it though, her interest soared. The writing was, in her opinion, among the best in television shows ever.

_I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself._

"Probably," Helena said in answer to Rinn's question. "If it can handle a companion, I figure we shouldn't deprive it of company." She trailed off for a moment, then sensed that the silence threatened to become awkward. "It'll be that or Blasto." She said the last softly, even more embarrassed about that than her Dr Who obsession. "Have you watched it?"

Her friend's features were conveniently blank. "Blasto?" She queried and for a moment Helena found herself reviewing the references to the show in her mind.

"Blasto, the hanar spectre," Helena said, feeling as if she was admitting to liking something akin to BDSM. "Remember the announcements in the Illium sections?" She didn't want to say game, she wasn't sure whether Liara had bugged the apartment beforehand. "When you walked around? It was pretty clear." She mimicked the announcer's voice. "But Blasto didn't play by the rules."

Rinn's eyebrows rose beyond her hair and Helena could tell immediately that her friend didn't have a clue what she spoke about. _Husk induced amnesia? Or just Ri__nn__?_ "I'd be lying if I said yes," she confessed eventually, then seemed to muse about the idea for a moment. "A hanar spectre? That's a rather interesting idea. Unconventional, from what I've read about them." She grinned at the mental image. "He must be able to carry a lot of guns."

_Now you're getting the hang of it!_

Helena grinned. "Lover in every port, a gun in every tentacle…" She trailed off, laughing at herself. "Yes," she said before Rinn could comment. "It's as bad as it sounds. One of the movies they had was 'Blasto, the jelly fish stings!'" she turned back to her fish, thinking about the reviews that she had read on the extranet. "There was a lot of talk about it. Jellyfish is a slang term for hanar. Almost derogatory."

Rinn was grinning at her, making her feel even more embarrassed.

"Got stung?" her friend queried, her eyes sparkling at the idea of a fandom.

Helena sniffed in reply and tried to justify herself. "It's research," she said haughtily, but her friend didn't buy it one bit.

"Uh huh," she said, crossing her arms with an amused light in her eyes. "Already planning a fanfic?"

It was practice that made the ginger keep her smile while her heart lurched. Helena had been writing for as long as she remembered, her mind always pulled to other worlds. She always believed that she _needed_ it to remain sane. To keep her mind from going over to the dark side. And she still believed that. But the words that had dictated her life had gone silent. She had tried writing in the hospital, but had sat there, staring at the screen, realising that she might never have the courage to put words to paper again.

_What is an author in a created world?_

Still smiling she shook her head and stepped away from Bad Wolf. "Can I make you some coffee?" she queried and motioned to the cupboards. "We're stocked up."

Rinn looked relieved and immediately stepped out of the kitchen to give her some space. Helena could feel the woman's eyes on her as she painstakingly put the mugs together without using her right hand at all.

She could feel the question coming, feel it in the way that Rinn was watching her critically, studying her movements. She knew that her friend would not have missed that she seemed to go out of her way to keep her shoulder quiet. She also knew that it must've taken quite a lot of self-control from Rinn not to ask if she could do everything for her.

"How is the shoulder?" Rinn asked finally and her gaze felt more intense as she tried to spot the lie that she must've known that Helena would try and sell her.

"Ahm," Helena began and hesitated, deciding what angle to take. "It's… okay. Under the circumstances." She didn't know what to say about it. It was as it was. "It was in a sling till now. As in, really, right until this afternoon." She sniffed, not quite sure whether she should look at Rinn or the kettle. "They've now… fitted this brace. It's ahm, electronic. Sort of. And it's going to help me to start exercising it. Get the muscles to move." She couldn't look at Rinn she decided, too scared of what she would see there. Helena sometimes wondered whether the other woman secretly felt she had deserved getting injured because she had refused to leave the mine.

_Don't be silly, of course she won't feel like that. She'll feel guilty. She'll feel responsible. That's worse. _

Finished with the beverage, she motioned to Rinn's cup. "Bottom's up. Let's try out the living room." She tried to be cheerful again, to dispel the darkness of her injury. She didn't have the heart to ask whether Rinn would help her at night to take the brace off.

_I can figure it out myself._

She felt Rinn smiling at her as she moved past her to the living room. The funny thing was that, as she walked past her friend Helena got the distinct impression that Rinn really _was_ taller than her. Larger than life in this unreal world. Their height wasn't that much different; only an inch or two separated them. But Rinn felt more real in this world than she ever had in the one they had lost.

_And is __the opposite__ what's happening to me? Am I losing substance? Is that why I can't write?_

More questions that had no answers. Helena ignored them, chose a couch and settled down. She had not spent a lot of time in the apartment, but felt comfortable in it at least. She could tell that Rinn felt like a guest, her movements cautious as she tried to gauge where Helena would want her to sit. It was one of the reasons Helena had not wanted to spend a lot of time here before her friend. She wanted the place to be theirs, not _hers_ that Rinn just happened to live in. It sounded silly, but she knew that it was important for her friend to be comfortable. Helena had a very vague concept of space herself. She had done a lot of travelling in her life and had learned to find solace in her own mind. Wherever she slept did not matter.

_But you can't find solace now__,__ can you? _

"This is a really nice place," Rinn said, her gaze jumping around the living room and to the view as she settled on the couch closest to Helena. "Is this your first night here?"

Helena nodded, giving her friend a reassuring smile. "I've been at Liara's up until now," she confirmed what she suspected Rinn already knew. "Is the room okay?"

Her friend glanced towards it automatically, her features playing into a smile. "It's good," she reassured Helena. "We can make it more ours. Maybe buy a bigger fish tank and put it over there." She motioned to the dining nook. "Perhaps a throw on the couch, I've always found that it works better to wash." Helena smiled, remembering Rinn's apartment.

"That we can," she confirmed. "This can be…" She paused, not sure how to state it. "This can be ours. Something we have here."

Rinn was staring at her, her eyes having gone from amused to sad. "A home," she said then shrugged, not saying anything else. Helena got the impression that she was scared to commit to the idea.

Helena nodded. "A place for privacy at least," she pointed out. Privacy was something she had not had since coming to this world. "I'm hoping it will work out. It has to." _Liara makes it to the end._

Rinn was still staring at her, her eyes inconsolably sad. "Do you know what's happening tonight?" she queried. "You said that we're seeing them again?"

Helena nodded. "Liara said that she'll bring Kate around to look at the apartment once they're done catching up." _And discussing us._ "She'll bring supper."

Some of the sadness in Rinn's eyes gave way to curiosity. "How is Liara?" she queried. "What's she like? I've only really met her today."

Thinking for a moment, Helena wondered how to sum up the asari. She had found in the beginning that it was very hard to keep perspective. That somehow her Shepard's perception of Liara interfered with her own. She had to draw a very strong mental line in her mind, to remind herself that _she_ didn't know the asari. That Liara was an alien.

"She is… patient," Helena said eventually and knew that that much was true. After that initial night, Liara had been kind. They did not mention her foreknowledge again. They rarely even mentioned the Normandy save for when she wanted to call Rinn. "I think it was tough for her to share her living space. But she dealt with it well." She paused and realised that her friend might need more. "She's been kind," Helena added. "I appreciated it."

Rinn nodded, but didn't say anything else. Helena took a sip of her coffee before she continued speaking. "How was it on the Normandy?" She queried. "Were they kind?" She saw a shadow pass Rinn's eyes, but it faded as she shrugged.

"The crew were… cautious for the most part," she answered carefully. "Though that's understandable. I mostly interacted with Miranda and Katelyn… and Kelly on occasion. They were kind. Katelyn made a lot of effort to make sure I was okay. Took me to see the Citadel too." Her friend smiled faintly at the memory. "It was something."

Grinning, remembering her own brief trip through the massive space station, Helena sat up a bit. "Did you see the presidium?" she queried and was pleased when Rinn smile also turned to a grin.

"Better than I could've imagined," her friend supplied the answer. "Katelyn had quite a laugh at my expense. I was awestruck."

Helena smiled, remembering her own first encounter. "I have to confess that I was impressed as well," she admitted. "It was just… I dunno. Something out of this world. Nos Astra doesn't have that same feeling, but it is pretty impressive too."

Rinn nodded in agreement. "From what I've seen, it looks…" she hesitated, the sadness returning. "It's going to take some getting used to. We'll have to get groceries… and figure out how." She looked outside to the window again. "So much to explore. To learn." She trailed off then smiled. "But good. It can be good here."

Nodding in agreement, Helena looked out of the window as well. "I hope it will be," she said. "I really hope so."

"A new adventure," Rinn added. "Just eh… hopefully a little less adventurous."

_Amen._

Helena really hoped that they were done with all the drama. She _hoped_ that they could just live their lives out quietly until Liara took down the Shadow Broker. She _really_ _hoped_ that she was done seeing people die.

"Rinn," she said finally, unable to contain the question any longer. "What do you think happened? How did we get here?" She couldn't tell whether Rinn had anticipated the question or not. Or, whether she had even bothered to think about it up until now. Her friend was quiet for a very long time as she seemed to turn it over and over in her mind.

"I have absolutely no answer," Rinn said finally. "No theory. I don't know what to make of it."

Trying hard to keep her frustration at bay, Helena stared back out of the window, resisting the urge to count all of the buildings that she could see. "We have to be here for a reason," she pointed out. "There has to be an answer."

Not disagreeing with her, Rinn nodded slowly. "We do," she said simply and frowned. "And it better be a good one."

Helena could understand what lay behind that statement. They had sacrificed a lot of themselves to this world, a lot of their sanity and peace of mind. The idea that it all happened for _nothing_ was unbearable. They had to be here for a reason. There had to be a reason why they had suffered so much.

"Why do you think we're here?" she asked Rinn finally, hoping to gain some insight from her friend as it was her world after all.

Rinn stared at her and then shook her head again. "I don't know, Lena," she said again. "I mean, things are pretty set. They'll go their course. Why we need to witness it, why we need to be a part of it…" She trailed off and shook her head.

Frowning, Helena leaned forward. "Rinn," she said quietly. "How does this story end? What was the end?"

She could tell that her question caught the other woman by surprise. Rinn stared at her for a long time, her brow furrowing as she mused over her words. "I never saw the end," she said finally. "I know that much. However, I'm not someone who would've left it at a tragedy. There would be hope. I wouldn't have set Katelyn on a path I didn't believe she would be able to come back from." She paused and shrugged, turning her gaze back to the window with an embarrassed smile. "The romantic in me wouldn't have allowed it. It would have been bitter sweet. Life isn't only gain and it isn't only loss… but it would've been sweet." She seemed to be at peace with it, but her words bothered Helena.

Pulling her legs up onto the couch, not caring whether they've sorted out the 'feet on' or 'feet off' rule, Helena turned her friend's words over in her mind. She had very little understanding of Rinn's writing method, but the idea that the end had been unknown to her was frightening. Rinn generally always knew what would happen in her story to some extent or another. A blank future was… troublesome.

_You don't know that,_ she wanted to tell her friend. _You don't understand what a story like this can do. It can consume you, change you. It can and most probably will break the mould. And as you are now, you won't be able to know if it did. _

"And our lives?" Helena said finally, filling in the silence that had descended upon them. "Do you think our lives will coincide with your rules?" _It is your story after all._

Rinn's gaze involuntarily strayed to her hand. "I don't know," she confessed. "For Katelyn, I have hope. No. I believe. But she's a protagonist. I don't know what we are…" She trailed off and mused it over as Helena had to fight to keep her features neutral, to try and fight against the itch that she felt in her chest. The _panic_ that grew in her mind. "But again, if it were me… writing this…" Rinn said the words hesitatingly. "I mean… There would be… something. Not a consolation, but…" She stopped and tried to find the right word, frustration briefly written across her features. "There'd be a point."

Again it came down to _why_ they were there and what was their exact purpose. Helena felt the need to have that answer turn in her mind, pressing against her temples. Just like Rinn, she found herself struggling to find the right words, the right _sentence_ to express what she wanted correctly. They had been pulled in _together._ Not Rinn on her own, but Helena as well. If there was a _point_ to it, the reasoning was that Helena herself would perhaps play a vital role in this. As a character yes, but a character that understood how the story would progress.

"What if the point is to change it?" Helena said finally, daring to voice the thought that she had been playing with subconsciously. "What if we are here because... because of that?" The idea made her pulse increase. _Is that part of why Ri__nn__ might not be able to remember? Because she shouldn't interfere? Is that why all of this happened to her? Is that the point of her possession?_

She felt Rinn's gaze on her. "Without knowing the story's course," her friend pointed out. "I don't know what should be changed. If my thread, if my extra addition plays itself out as I know I would have want it to. If it has a meaningful conclusion, then… then it is as it should be. Then there would be no need for intervention. But actions have consequences. Our being here could've knocked it off course – if this were some cosmic idea of a humorous accident. And if we were here for some reason, then… we have to tread exceptionally carefully. Lives… aren't things to just play with."

Helena studied her friend for a moment who was clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter. They had _never_ discussed it. And, if Liara was listening now – the world be damned, they had to talk about it.

"Then we're here to make sure that Kate _does_ get indoctrinated?" She queried, but couldn't quite believe it, that itch that she had been feeling ever since she started thinking of their purpose here returning. "Because we're stopping her?"

Rinn frowned at her, the look almost hostile for a moment. Helena knew that it wasn't directed at her, but whatever thoughts her friend had had been very dark. "I don't know whether it's in our hands to encourage or to stop," she pointed out. "And if it were..." She trailed off, her gaze becoming sadder as she searched for the words inside her own soul. "I wouldn't... I wouldn't help it. I wouldn't have her change now, if I had the choice."

_You must have, you're the author._

Helena barely managed to contain her words, hiding them by taking a sip of her coffee. Her memories returned to that moment Shepard had cornered her in the hospital. When the commander had _threatened_ to destroy the only thing Helena knew she cared for in this world.

"I don't want to see it happen," she pointed out. "I don't want to see her go the whole way." _She'll kill me when she does. A part of her must want to. She'll destroy what's left of you._

Rinn looked somewhat cornered as she spoke. "In... in the story they found a way to contain her. Like... lock her up." Helena remembered that, but said nothing, studying her friend's features. _Lock her up, contain her. As they did with you. A parallel? _"They became suspicious about her behaviour and..." Rinn cut herself off abruptly and got up, going to the window. She didn't look at Helena as she spoke, softly. So soft Helena barely heard her. "Lena, I can't... I don't know." She took a steadying breath and squared her shoulders, turning back to Helena. "All I have to go on is the type of person I am," she continued, louder this time. "The type of writer I am." Her gaze grew darker again and her shoulders seemed to hunch. "With what's happened to us... I can't even believe I would've gone so dark. This is not a story." There was a denial there.

_This is not a story. This is not _my_ story._

Helena didn't say anything for a moment, her insides turning.

"I would," she confessed finally, knowing that her friend would've been able to figure it out anyway. "You know me. I would take it..." She turned her eyes to the ceiling, studying it. "As far as it will go. As deep and dark as it would go." Her stomach turned and she looked back to Rinn. "What if me being here changes your story? I don't belong in this world. Much less than you do. And... I bring out the very worst in Katelyn."

The way her friend didn't react showed that it wasn't news to her. She turned to look at the world outside then glanced back to Helena. "Then maybe it's good that we're out of her sight," she said. "She has Miranda and Samara. They will both help to balance her out. And they both have reason to watch after her." Helena tried not to show her grimace as she thought about Miranda deciding to support Katelyn. It still felt as if the XO had chosen sides. She knew that she was being foolish, but she couldn't help it. She realised that Rinn had gone quiet and was studying her again, her features more curious this time. When she saw that Helena was paying attention to her again, she shrugged.

"I don't want to... jinx it by saying it can't get any worse," the hybrid said with a small smile. "But I'd be really impressed with my imagination if it did. And we got out, Lena. Regardless of what happened. We're here, we're safe." She shrugged, grinning sheepishly. "Might be my story after all."

_May the stars love you__,__ Ri__nn__, you will always have hope._

She turned away from her friend, feeling her old ache flare up. "Well," she said and tried to keep her tone light regardless. "Thanks to Katelyn we know it's not mine."

She found that Rinn was looking at her, her gaze both sad and silly. A strange combination.

"Well," she said and winked. "Maybe yours don't need closer inspection."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 04**

**It was that distance that got to Katelyn. **In a lot of ways, it reminded her of Miranda, of the cool calculation that the Cerberus officer could exert if she needed to. That ability she had to break human lives down to equations of skill, productiveness and temperament. It was needed yes, but it was painful to watch sometimes and it was an ability Katelyn _did not_ want to see in Liara.

Yet there had been a bit of it when she spoke about Rinn. Even Helena.

Katelyn didn't expect her to look at them as they did, but she had expected her to be _humane_. To understand that Rinn's condition was a problem to the younger woman. That it was a _tender_ subject. But it hadn't seemed to occur to her that Rinn would not want to use this.

Liara had simply looked at Rinn and what she could do and came to the _conclusion_ that she would be good at fighting.

_Well,_ the commander thought as they rode the elevator in silence. _Liara__'s going to have to get past Rinn first._

Katelyn didn't know what to think about Liara's plan. In a lot of ways, it made _sense_. Rinn was what she was. There was no reverting the human back to her old self. But… still. Katelyn had a feeling that Rinn might not like what Liara had planned.

"One of my agents recommended this place," Liara said finally as the elevator door opened. "They said it's secure. Safe. It's a relatively neutral zone, so there isn't as much attention here as some of the other non-permanent accommodation. There's a portion of indentured servants, but due to the pricing, it's mostly those who have been in the service for a while. There won't be any trouble."

_Pricing?_ Katelyn thought and looked around, wondering what a place like this would cost. The truth was that she had no concept of living costs. After two years' absence, it was one of the things on her list she hadn't gotten to catching up on.

"And you said that you've paid it up till the end of the month?" She queried, referring to the original conversation they had around the apartment. Liara glanced at her, relaxing a little now that they were talking again.

"Two months," she pointed out. "After that Helena will take over the lease. It's not a requirement, she's insisting." She paused. "I'll pay her well, Katelyn. I took good care of Nyxeris till…"

_I had to _take care_ of her._

Katelyn felt her heart clench for a moment as it had back then when she had realised that her friend was in danger. She had never mentioned it to Liara, but it had been Miranda who had figured out that Liara's secretary was a double agent. The woman's fine eye for details had begun to pick up discrepancies in the data almost immediately.

The Cerberus agent had elected not to come with them to the apartment, saying that she needed to prepare for the next day. To Katelyn's knowledge, she was going to send a message to Helena requesting her presence on the Normandy the next morning.

_I should talk to Helena._ _I must._

Katelyn caught herself, pushing away the need she still felt to understand the future. _Not now. Not today. Not tomorrow._ It was a mantra she found herself saying even around Rinn.

"Here we are," Liara motioned to a door that looked exactly like the others they had passed. "Helena knows we're here. Reception would've let her know. Nobody comes up without permission."

Katelyn had to confess that the idea worked for her.

Liara didn't ring the bell, but simply opened the door and stepped inside, moving through the small artificial foyer. When Katelyn stepped in behind her, she saw that it opened up to a larger apartment. Rinn and Helena were sitting on the couches. The dark-haired woman had gotten up when the door opened, possibly out of courtesy, but Helena had remained seated, her hand wrapped around a coffee mug.

"Sorry we're late," Liara said by way of greeting. "But I underestimated the demand for ramen. We got pizza instead." She held up the fast food container. "I hope that's alright?"

Katelyn could tell immediately that Rinn was uncomfortable and wondered whether the woman had relaxed at all since she had last seen her. She glanced at Helena, trying to judge her mood, but the ginger's features were unreadable as she pushed herself up with a smile.

"That would be perfect, it would," Helena said. "I'll get plates." Her dark eyes briefly met Katelyn's. "Welcome, Commander."

Her tone was a fraction warmer than her eyes. Katelyn nodded at her, taking note of the seat she had vacated and choosing another on the far end of the room. Rinn's gaze followed her friend to the kitchen. She seemed to be considering whether she should follow, but then Liara stepped into her line of sight, putting the pizza down.

"So," the asari said cheerfully. "What do you think? Do you have everything that you need?"

It seemed to take Rinn a moment or two to figure out that Liara was trying to make conversation with her. She blinked at the asari then nodded shyly. Katelyn studied the gesture and found herself seething again. _And Liara wants her to go into protection detail? What is she going to do__?__B__lush them to death?_

"Yes it's… I like it here," Rinn replied.

Liara smiled immediately though it seemed too eager. _She's awkward too._ The asari looked to the kitchen where Helena was stacking out plates, seeming to be happily oblivious to the conversation.

"That's good," Liara was saying. "And… I hope you like pizza. We're lucky there was a takeout on the way. It's fairly new." _By asari standards,_ Katelyn thought. _Pizza parlours__ had only been established in Nos Astra for ten years._ She had to stop herself from smiling, marvelling at culture difference.

Rinn was nodding, but shuffling awkwardly. "I do," she said and paused. "We'll… have to start scouting out places." Her gaze turned to Helena and Katelyn wondered why it was that the ginger seemed to draw all of their attention to her. "When we're too lazy to cook."

There was an audible snort from the kitchen as Helena turned, balancing the four plates on her one hand. "Or it's your turn to cook," she pointed out with mock horror in her voice, her gaze focused on the plates. Katelyn got the sense that everybody, including herself, wanted to get up and help the young woman, but something in Helena's attitude held them all at bay. And, she didn't seem to need the help. She slipped the plates down easy enough without toppling them once. Helena's gaze met Katelyn's as she straightened and she hesitated, studying the commander's features.

"Is Dr Chakwas here?" She queried. "How has she been?"

Rinn who was still standing, glanced behind her at the couch and finally settled back down, taking a plate as she did so. Katelyn, upon consideration, did the same. "She's recovering," she said, trying to keep her tone open. "Making sure everyone else is doing the same." She didn't know what else to say and Helena didn't seem to know how to continue the conversation.

"That's good," she said. "I'll ah… get us some cutlery." She went back to the kitchen and again everybody's eyes followed her. _She's not going to make this conversation any easier._ Katelyn looked at Liara who tried to smile.

"I'm seeing her tomorrow afternoon with Tali," the asari supplied, then turned to Rinn. "You've probably met her?"

Rinn nodded, waiting for Liara to open the takeout container. When the asari did so, Katelyn could see that the woman was trying very hard not to reach for the pizza first. She must've have been starving by now and Katelyn wondered whether Helena or Liara knew how much they were going to have to be feeding her. Miranda had explained to her that the nanocytes had increased Rinn's metabolism by a significant amount above normal.

"She's nice," Rinn continued and would've waited for Katelyn to get a slice too if the commander had not waved her on. In that time, Helena returned again and slipped some cutlery into her friend's hands before going back to the kitchen. The dark-haired woman very rarely ate without them.

Katelyn expected Helena to sit down, but the ginger went back into the kitchen, not settling. Her departure left the same awkwardness in its wake than before, with both Liara and Rinn following Katelyn's gaze to the kitchen. She heard Rinn shift and there was a clink as her cutlery touched the plate.

"The city is..." She began and hesitated. "Massive... And beautiful. I'm curious to explore it."

Liara seemed to relax a little. "We can definitively arrange a tour," she said. "It's worth a look. It's said to be one of the most advanced asari colonies outside of asari space..."

Katelyn could not stop herself anymore and got up to go to the kitchen, seeing that Helena was carefully putting out four glasses. Now that she thought nobody was looking, she appeared more tired, her gaze distant as she went to the fridge and took out a bottle of juice. Katelyn was worried that she might startle the woman and stepped back a bit before she cleared her throat. Helena turned to her immediately and hesitated. She didn't look scared or cornered, but Katelyn could tell she had no idea what to say.

"Can I help you?" Kate asked softly. "I wanted to offer with the plates, but... you seemed to have that covered." She smiled and, after some consideration, Helena returned it. It was good natured enough, but very calculated.

"Mad waiter skills," she said with a smile. "Taught me balance, patience and humility..." She trailed off and bit her lip. Even Katelyn had to pause as she stared at her. Blushing, Helena chuckled.

"Well, the balance stayed," she pointed out and smiled. "I'm good, Commander. You can go back. I'll manage."

Katelyn didn't move, but smiled. "Let's revise that humility," she said, her tone kind, but cautious. "I'll pour and bring two." Helena's features were stoic for a moment, but then she seemed to give up and gave Kate the bottle. Focusing on pouring the glasses slowly, the commander risked her next topic of conversation.

"Did you get Liara's message?" She queried softly. "About coming for a check-up?"

The ginger's body stiffened, but she sighed and nodded. "I did yes," she said. "Tomorrow early." She looked to the living room, her gaze distant.

Kate studied her, then pushed on. "And you understand it's on the Normandy?" She queried. "Will that be a problem?"

Helena's gaze returned to her, her thoughts obscured. "I'd have been worried if it wasn't," she pointed out. "Can't imagine where else it would be." Her gaze returned to the living room.

Kate made a listening sound and started on the second glass. "I won't be there," she added. "So if there's anything you want to discuss with me..." She trailed off when she felt Helena's eyes touch her. It was an almost physical connection.

"I don't," Helena said simply, her tone betraying no emotion. Katelyn sighed and figured it was worth the try.

"Miranda will be there," she said. "Will that be a problem?"

Helena hesitated this time. Katelyn had expected her to. "It's fine," the ginger said and reached out to take the first two completed glasses. She produced her right hand for the first time that evening and carefully slipped the one glass into it. "Why should there be?"

Katelyn stopped pouring and made sure to look at her.

"You tell me."

She could tell that the ginger wouldn't, but her look told Katelyn what she needed to know. She found Helena hard to read, she always had – it was one of the fatal flaws in their communication. But there was something in which she was certain, something she had sensed in Helena because it was amplified in a woman she knew very well.

She didn't know what it was, but Katelyn was almost sure that _something_ had happened between Miranda and Helena. She didn't necessarily want to know the details, they were both two consenting adults after all, but she wanted to understand the nature of the feeling she was perceiving between the pair. It was certainly not pleasure or warmth. Rather a cold absence that seemed to leave both women mute towards the other. Miranda never spoke about Helena in passing and if she did mention her, it was a mechanical medical update. If some wrong had been done, Katelyn wanted to _fix_ it. Because she had come to care about Miranda and, regardless of how she felt about Helena's general personality, she didn't want the woman to come to any further harm.

It was clear however that she wasn't going to get any answers here. Helena broke eye contact and smiled though it was as fake as the plant standing by the fridge.

"Nothing's wrong, Commander," she said, her tone light. "I'll be at the Normandy early. I might even see you there." She took up the other glass and left for the living room, taking her spare to Rinn. The hybrid was still talking about the city, as she and Liara seemed to have finally found a topic that almost flowed. Katelyn knew that the woman had done some reading on the planet and could keep Liara talking, if only to make the asari realise how little she herself had seen of the place she called home.

_Maybe they'll be good for her to,_ Katelyn thought as she settled on her placing, passing her extra glass over to the asari. _Maybe they can give her some stability. Something else to focus on._

Her gaze turned back to Helena who had reached for the pizza and was busy picking off pieces of mushroom to drop in her plate. She didn't join the conversation, but finished her slice methodically, her eyes dark and distant. When the topic had finally ran its course and there was nothing left for them to say, Liara became quiet and looked towards her new assistant. There was very little of the meal left, with Katelyn and Rinn finishing more than half of it between them. Katelyn had eaten more, simply to allow Rinn the opportunity to be comfortable in also eating more than was her share.

Helena didn't give the silence time to become awkward but for the first time Katelyn began to understand what Liara had meant. The ginger seemed to study Liara as if she could read something on her face that none of the others in the room could. Then she seemed to sigh and put down her plate, yawning into her shoulder.

"I'm nodding off," she declared when all eyes turned to her. "I'm sorry you guys. I'm going to have to say good night." Her gaze flipped to Rinn, who looked desperate suddenly and a little cornered. "I'm just going to the other room..." _I'll be close._ "Preparing for bed." Her gaze jumped to Liara who looked grateful.

"Good night, Helena," she said kindly. "I hope you sleep well."

The smile the ginger offered to Liara was genuine. "And you Dr T'Soni. Thank you for supper." Her gaze moved to Katelyn. "Commander."

Shepard studied her for a moment and wondered what it was in her that the others saw, but that she couldn't.

"Good night, Helena," she said softly though she doubted the woman would sleep. Looking at all of them, Helena met her friend's gaze one last time and then vacated the room for her own. The silence that followed her departure was tenser, filled with the anticipation of the topic that was to come. Rinn seemed to understand that her friend was not necessarily going to bed because she offered no departing wish. Instead, she turned her eyes to them, her blessedly dull green eyes, and waited.

* * *

"**It is therefore that I recommend," **_**with regret, "**_**that Lucinda Strand be moved to Damaris ****I****nstitute for further treatment." **_**Which will probably fail.**_ "She is a danger to herself and the staff of Huerta," _she tried to kill herself for the second time today and fought the nurses when they tried to help her,_ "and will require more intense treatment than we can offer here."

Dr Robert Murdoch stopped dictating the letter and wished that it didn't feel so much like a failure.

"I await your response. Until such time, for her own protection," _and that of my staff,_ "she will be kept restrained and sedated."

_Maybe that will get them to increase the processing rate._

Robert had little such hope. She was the second patient he had to recommend to Damaris and they were _still_ waiting for the approval. He sighed and sat back in his chair, calling up the file he had just dictated and converted it to text. Every one of these letters felt like a failure. One of his colleagues had told him that he should _accept_ that sometimes people were beyond help. That their minds were so broken it could never be put back together in the usual time allowed. That was what facilities like Damaris were for, because they had _more time._

They were there for _long__-__term_ treatment.

_A place where we can all put our failures together and compare notes…_

Robert pushed the thought away and got up before he knew what he wanted to do. He went to get himself a bottle of water from the tiny fridge in his office and stood there, staring at nothing as he sipped it slowly. He heard Lucinda's words in his mind, one of their last sessions as she spoke of the horrors that had been done to her, her family and friends. By the time that Shepard's crew was taken her children and husband had already perished.

"_And then they took out Lillith and killed her." _She had rambled about the other Horizon colonists._ "I don't know why__.__W__e were dead anyway. I don't understand why they let that monster back onto the ship..." _

That monster.

It came up often, a creature Shepard had somehow allowed back onto the Normandy. It had not been explained to him what the thing had been or what had happened that allowed them the change of heart. He feared the worst, that Cerberus had taken something from the collectors that they shouldn't have.

_And what of their people? Of those they should be treating? What is happening to them?_

Helena came to mind, withering on the bed, as restrained as Lucinda was despite her injuries. He knew nothing of her, had barely had time to treat her, but she too felt like a failure.

_Where are you now? What are they doing to you and how is your friend? _

Rinn.

He shook the thoughts away, tried to forget Lucinda Strand and returned to his desk, staring though his window. Only the Presidium had a day/night cycle and Robert felt himself missing the sense of time. Of sunrise and sunset. It had been years since he last lived planet side, but it still felt recent enough to miss. Endlessness was draining.

The word endless was a good way to describe the horrors his patients faced and the others that had been taken by the collectors_. __Will they ever forget?__ Will Karin?_

He felt guilty suddenly when he thought of his old friend and realised that he had not heard anything from her in a while. He should've checked up on her after she was released from hospital. He had known that the Normandy had been scheduled to leave, but he had lost track of _time._

Robert called up a file immediately, turned off his voice recorder and stared at the blank page of his old word processing program. He loved writing letters, loved using words to reach out to his friends. But starting was always difficult.

_Dearest Doctor Chakwas,_ he finally managed to put the words to page, thinking about his friend, capturing her image in his mind.

_It has been some time since we've seen each other last and I thought I'd check up on you. _

_The last of the New Canton colonists have been relocated – some taken by family and others by displacement organisations. Which means that things have returned to normal and, as these things are in the Citadel, most of recent events have already been forgotten. With the exception of the stir our human Spectre made, of course. _

_I'm still on call at Huerta, but things there have become rather quiet. I have to admit that I had welcomed the change in activity if not the circumstances that lead to it. You would know yourself that you feel like you do more good when you're right where the problem occurs. I sometimes worry that the therapy won't be continued. We've both seen how things can go wrong when trauma is left untreated. _

_Which brings me to you, Karin. How are you holding up? The things I've heard from the colonists... _

_Your friend (in case you've forgotten),_

Dr Robert Murdoch stared at the words that he had written, then turned to his watch. Time had caught up with him and he had to go and do his rounds.

_For those that I can save,_ he thought and felt a little better as he sent Karin the message to the address she had left him. _And there are many. I will focus on that and nothing else_**.**

* * *

**There was a void in the room left by Helena's departure, as if she had taken a little bit from each of them and drew it with her to the privacy of her bedroom. **Rinn stared after her friend and wondered how she was _really_ doing.

_Will she be able to live with me?_

Rinn had lived most of her adult life on her own, moving from place to place every couple of years, though still always in the same city. It gave her a certain awareness of atmosphere or rather a need to pick up on the surroundings of where she lay her head. The apartment had a good feeling to it. Promising. Some places Rinn had stayed in had an immediate sense of a temporary sojourn, while others felt more as if she could make it home.

Home.

It had been a long while since she truly had something like that. _It's something Helena and I both will need here,_ she thought. _A sanctuary. _She only hoped that they could find it together here. _What if this doesn't work out?_

The door to Helena's room slid shut and the three glanced at each other. Rinn instantly felt a a cold and sticky awkwardness creep in. She had always hated being the focus of others. One-on-one situations were still fine – to some extent. In the two weeks she had been with Katelyn, she learnt to feel... safe around the woman – much like she had been around Helena. Liara was an unknown however and the two together brought a different air to things. And now she was alone with them... with the distinct impression that they had been _waiting_ for it.

_Even Helena picked up on it, that's probably why she left. And I didn't see it coming._

"Have you had enough to eat?" Liara asked, giving Rinn a smile, seeming to try and put her at ease.

_No,_ Rinn thought and shifted as she thought of a neutral answer.

"I'm okay... thanks."

Katelyn gave her a knowing look. "I brought some extras and a couple of snacks. I figured you might want something to nibble on a little later." Rinn didn't reply, simply giving the woman a broad, embarrassed smile.

"It's a welcome change to have someone actually look as if they enjoy a meal," Liara commented. _Was I bobbing while I ate again? Or had she noted it from Miranda's report or something?_ Rinn wondered as she watched the asari glance at Helena's door. "We won't keep you up for much longer, Rinn. I know you've had a long day."

_Why does this feel like an interview?_ Rinn suppressed a frown. "It's alright," she shrugged. "I'm not so tired. So... What's up?"

The moment the words left her mouth, Katelyn's expression saddened and she suddenly remembered when she last had asked that question. _Right before they told me I was becoming a husk. _She swallowed nervously. Katelyn's hand briefly crossed the space between their seats to give hers a small squeeze. _Her thoughts went there too._

"As you know," the commander began as she retracted her hand. "Liara said she's found... an arrangement for you. A bit similar to the one she has with Helena. I wanted her to run it by you before we decide anything." The commander glanced at Liara. "Or I go anywhere."

Rinn frowned at the last. _That doesn't sound... promising. _

Katelyn noticed Rinn's expression and shook her head. "I want you to be comfortable here, Rinn. I'm not leaving until I know you'll be alright."

The hybrid swallowed, feeling the words both shake her and soothe her. It was surreal to know that Kate actually meant it, but it was troubling that there could be reason for her to say so. She also didn't like the sense that the commander wouldn't have felt the same of Helena. _What if this hadn't been such a good thing for Helena? What if this isn't such a good thing at all? _

Rinn opened her mouth to voice her confusion or to ask a question, but suddenly the words became mist again, insubstantial, vague, unobtainable. _Stop leaping to conclusions. Just listen._ She closed her mouth, deciding that there was no point asking for the information they were about to provide anyway, and gave the commander a small nod to continue.

It was Liara who spoke up. "I've been able to create a position for Helena within my agency. It's a position that was vacated recently, so it's easy enough to slot her in." _Nyxeris,_ the name popped into Rinn's mind. _The asari agent of the Shadow Broker. _"Unfortunately, I can't create another," Liara shrugged. "There isn't enough work to justify it."

Rinn nodded indicating she understood. _Makes sense. _

"I have an acquaintance," the asari continued. "A turian who runs a company specialising in protection detail. He may be able to offer you a job. It will include training and the same benefits that Helena has. The idea is then that you become, if you are willing, part of the detail that I use more frequently."

"They need an admin?" Rinn asked, puzzling the offer. She'd get the same training as Helena. Companies need admins no matter what their specialisation is. _And I'll get to liaise more frequently with Helena possibly. Could be interesting..._ _I wonder if I'll still have to organise her to do lists…_ Rinn tried not to grin at the thought. She had frequently needed to press her friend on tasks that needed performing. "I'm not too bad at it. Just a little rusty," she gave a small shrug. "The uh, tech I had to work with was rather dated. Much the same that Helena was used to." _We can do the same training… It could be fun._

Katelyn shifted awkwardly and Liara's expression became obscure to Rinn. Somehow she felt like she had said the wrong thing, the dumb thing. _What am I missing?_

"They are a security company," the asari pointed out again as if Rinn hadn't heard it the first time or had missed the significance. "I was thinking more in the line of defence training. They don't have a lot of admin."

"Oh," Rinn uttered in surprise, then noted Katelyn's look. _They want to use what the husk gave, _she realised._ Not what I can offer. _Her stomach dropped as she considered this. _That's why Katelyn's staying. She wants to see if I'm okay with it. _

She felt a dull ache in her chest as her mind travelled on. This was supposed to be a fresh start. Somehow in her mind, Rinn had thought that meant it would mean leaving the husk behind. They'd work so hard to contain this element of her, but she had never thought to _use_ any of the changed. She considered the transformation very much like she did her right hand. It was that she had _lost_ something. Rinn hadn't gained anything by the loss of her fingers besides an extra challenge to perform as she had before. The husk was just another obstacle to overcome; not something to exploit.

_I'm not going to be able to live as if I'm not different,_she thought bitterly._ But then, rather foolish to think I'd be able to, isn't it?_

"Oh," she repeated softly, trying hard not to sound disappointed. She tilted her head as she considered. Maybe if she could find the merits to the idea. Surely she would be able to do the job. "Well... I'm... stronger than I was before. More... agile." _I can see how that would be useful to the turian._ "I've never fired a weapon before... before the mine." _But that's where the training comes in, I suppose._ She wondered why Helena would receive such training. "There is the problem of my aversion to... blood." _That's going to be a bit of a challenge._ _Useful to use against the husk though. Helena certainly proved that._

"But then... they probably have solid antipsychotics for... ptsd by now," she murmured more to herself.

"If you agree, it won't be combat," Katelyn said with a shake of her head. "It will be purely protection, as I understand it."

_What do you think protection entails?_

"Which protection requires from time to time," Rinn countered gently. "You're hardly going in as an unarmed bobby."

_Do they still know what bobbies are?_ By Liara's expression, it didn't seem like she did.

"You won't be protecting me," Liara said. "It's for Helena. I've been thinking about it. I promised to watch over her and I do so, but I can't keep her under constant surveillance. She won't like it and neither will you." Her eyes turned to Katelyn. "We're fooling ourselves if we think that she won't be a target. The reapers have sleeper agents, we all know this. What's to stop them from coming up and snatching her? Or Cerberus?" Liara let the thought hang in the air for a moment before directing her words to Rinn. "It's a given that both of you need weapons training. The idea is simply to give you enough to protect her when she can't. The information business is dangerous, especially if you're new to it."

_She's already a great shot though. Are they going to teach her hand-to-hand? Would she be able to with her shoulder? Wait, since when does working behind a desk require weapons training?_

"I thought she was doing admin?" Rinn frowned.

"Administration and the occasional drop off," Liara replied. "The thing is that a broker's administrator is... important. They have access to sensitive information and could be useful to competitors. It didn't truly occur to me because my former administrator Nyxeris was an asari – a biotic. I didn't have to think twice about security because she could take care of herself. But Helena can't."

_The web has already been woven for us. Plans within plans. What happens if I pull on a thread?_

"How would my declining the offer affect that?" Rinn asked softly, glancing at Katelyn. "How would it affect anything?"

Katelyn was quick to answer, as if she had already thought about that too and was eager to offer it.

"If you don't accept it and Liara can't find an alternative arrangement, we'll take both of you back to the Normandy and make another plan," Katelyn assured. "You won't have to stay here."

"_If_ Helena wants to leave," Liara added carefully. "Your doing this isn't imperative to her safety. I can take care of her." _That's not quite what you said a moment ago,_ Rinn thought, allowing herself a brief second of suspicion as she watched the asari make eye contact with the commander. "I just think you'd be able to do a better job than I would. And," crystal blue eyes locked onto Rinn. "You don't have to go to the Normandy. With time, we can find you other employment. This is merely the best I could do at such short notice."

Rinn lifted her right hand and gave a small gesture for Liara to stop. "I'm not rejecting or anything. I'm just... seeing how things link in." She drew a breath. _Just collect data. You can't react when you don't know what you're reacting to._ "Does this acquaintance of yours know what they're getting?" She felt a small flicker of relief when the asari shook her head.

"No, that will remain between us," Liara replied. "As far as he is concerned, you've just had extensive genetic modification."

_An escaped lab rat? Might work. At least those 'modifications' aren't to my detriment in this type of business, I suppose._

"How soon would I start?" Rinn continued, keeping her voice quiet and neutral.

"Jachett wants to meet you tomorrow," Liara glanced at Katelyn, who quietly sat watching the exchange. "He might put you though a few basic exercises. Then we'll go from there. You'll have some time to acclimatise. I'll handle all of the paperwork and make sure you're not being Astra'd."

The term was lost on Rinn. She kept quiet, merely looking at them. After all, even a fool could appear wise if she kept her mouth shut.

"But even if you meet him, Rinn," Katelyn added. "It's not a done deal."

Rinn nodded, milling through everything. "I'm assuming Helena doesn't know?"

"I didn't want to discuss it with her until I discussed it with you," Liara confirmed.

The hybrid wondered what Helena's reaction to this would have been had they told her earlier. Would they even have presented it to her? Would they have risked her wroth? Would her friend have been unhappy to begin with? Maybe the ginger wouldn't think this is a bad idea. Maybe it _wasn't_ a bad idea. Would Helena have understood her hesitation though? Did they?

Rinn nodded again, letting her eyes trail down to her hands. Her right thumb was slowly rubbing over the stump of what used to be her ring finger. She didn't know when she picked up the habit, but the sensation was still... eerie. _Everything is._

She felt more than saw Katelyn shift. "Rinn, what are you thinking?" the woman asked and Rinn looked up to notice that the commander was studying her intently.

Her character's eyes were soft and curious and Rinn could feel that almost unnatural concern flow from her. _Do I have you under some kind of spell? What would happen if it could be broken?_ And still, as strange as the connection was, it soothed Rinn. Katelyn didn't understand, but she knew and had the freedom to just ask.

_What can I tell them when I don't really know myself?_

She looked at Liara and wondered what the asari thought of her. There was a... distance – which was all too natural but problematic at that moment when so many cards were yet to be played and so many were already on the table.

"Dr T'Soni," she said carefully. "You'll have to forgive me if I seem discouraged or like a teacher grading a pupil's bad paper. I'm merely... surprised." Rinn looked down at her hands as she clasped them together. "I shouldn't be. I know that. I'm trying to process the information so I can present you with a decent response." _But it's too much. This whole crazy adventure is just too much._

Rinn turned her attention to Katelyn. "I'm merely trying to put all the pieces together. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting _this_, but it's a kindness still. An undeserved kindness." _Am I bringing this across right?_ "I hope I don't seem... I hope it doesn't seem if I consider it any other way." She made herself look right into Liara's eyes and felt her throat dry up. _What strange, amazing, crazy, frightening reality do I find myself in_.

"I'm... I'm still... trying to adapt to all the changes. To what has happened. To what I've..." she felt her voice fade. _To what I've become._ Rinn cleared her throat and forged on. "I haven't even considered the idea of using the change in such a way because... because I still don't see it as something I can utilise." _It's a corruption, not an asset nor a gift._ "That's one of the steps in coming to terms with it, I suppose, but I haven't reached that point yet. So," she shrugged and gave a rueful smile. "I'm a little behind everyone else."

There was a silent exchange between the other two and then Liara shifted awkwardly. "I'm sorry... I didn't think about it that way. I understand what you're saying, Rinn. We can hold it off."

The hybrid shook her head immediately. "Please don't apologize. I... I really should have considered it." She hesitated. "It will be good to meet your acquaintance and... everything. I'm just... Please don't take offense if I'm a little..." she shrugged helplessly. "I really appreciate what you've both done for me," her eyes met Katelyn and she felt warmth and kindness and mirrored it. "And with Helena," she turned her attention back to Liara. "You just continued helping her without even knowing who or _what_ you're getting. Thank you seems almost too trivial a thing to say. Just... Be patient with me. It all... changed so quickly and I'm still trying..." she shrugged again. "Helena is better at adapting."

Liara smiled at this. "Or she's just better at hiding her feelings," she countered.

"Well that too," Rinn felt herself smile fondly. "She's a bit of a stubborn wench, that one."

"I told this to Helena and I wish to tell it to you as well," Liara continued softly. "I know what you are feeling. I've also had to change..." Her eyes briefly turned to Katelyn before fixing them on Rinn. "A lot in the past few years. Even this needed adapting. I will be patient."

_And you got Helena first to boot!_ Rinn smiled, deciding against voicing the comment.

"Thank you," she said giving the asari a nod.

"Take time to think about it," Liara said, glancing at Katelyn, then slowly began to rise. "You don't have to give us an answer tomorrow, but I still want you to meet Jachett and consider the proposal. I'll come pick you up at nine, if that's alright?"

"Yes. Thank you," Rinn repeated as she and the commander also rose.

She escorted them out, wishing them well as they left. As the door slid shut she turned back to the apartment and drew a slow breath. She remained like that, looking at the surrounding furniture with an unseeing eye. The air felt... empty. Void. Whatever warmth and optimism she had felt before had now suddenly drained away. _Don't be foolish. You're just overwhelmed._

Rinn gave herself a mental shake then proceeded to clear the small coffee table, for once ignoring her own dislike for oiliness on her fingers and grabbing one of the remaining slices of pizza out the box. The food soothed her somewhat, wiping away what hunger still remained. At least for the next couple of hours. They'd have to stock up on a lot more food.

For now she merely left the dishes in the sink, washing her hands of the excess oiliness, and moved to sit on a couch nearest to the window. There was probably a switch to close the blinds, but they hadn't bothered this evening, instead enjoying the backdrop of rain and the dimly lit building beside them. Raindrops drew patterns on the glass and her mind went back to Helena's finger, trailing with her bloodied hand against the glass of her pod.

_Stop it!_

She drew a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut before blinking back at the glass. _How am I going to deal with blood? I'll have to read up on that. There must be some method they use to deal with it now. _

"How am I going to do this?" she murmured to herself. "Am I going to do this?"

The option to back out was there. Katelyn was staying longer for that very reason. Then her thoughts trailed back to one of the discussions they had had just after Helena had left.

"_I'm not just trying to get rid of you and Helena. Liara does present the best chance for you two to find your feet again. Live your own lives.__"_

Katelyn had believed staying in Nos Astra was for the best, but that had been before Liara's proposal. But then the asari also indicated this was all she could get with the time she had. There might be other possibilities, but what? And what about Helena?

_She's not going to want to leave and I can't force her to. And I can't leave without her. I can't do this alone._

Rinn sighed, rubbing her forehead.

_I don't know what to do._


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: We're nearing the end of the first month of our return and we thought it a good time to thank you all for coming back and continuing to read this. Also, thank you for the feedback that we've received, it is much appreciated. We'll be posting through October, but will take a break in November. NaNoWriMo, the Mother of this story, is around the corner and we thought to take that time to catch up with ourselves a bit. Also, Helena Author will be MLing two regions and foresee that her time will be very limited. We will remind you closer to the date. After November's break, posting will resume throughout December. _

**Chapter 05**

**She had listened to the conversation with her ear pressed against the vent that joined her room to the living room.** It had been tricky, she had had to get onto the desk, which she still intended to move at some point, and press her ear against the tiny slots. Their voices had been barely audible, the rooms were supposed to be close to sound proof.

But then again, people weren't supposed to _try_ and listen.

Helena listened to it all and _shuddered._

_This is a bad idea,_ she thought as she listened to Liara lay out her plan. She did not have to be who she was to know that Katelyn wouldn't like it. She could _sense_ the commander's disapproval. Like those of a character she was writing, she _knew_ that Katelyn wasn't happy. Hadn't been happy all evening. It was what had made her fear the woman, what had made her cautious of her.

"How would my declining the offer affect that? How would it affect anything?"

"If you don't accept it and Liara can't find an alternative arrangement, we'll take both of you back to the Normandy and make another plan."

_Make another plan._

_I don't want to go back._

_But I don't want my friend to work for a mercenary either._

Helena had argued with herself as the voices within the room continued. She listened as the gods of the universe decided her fate without any input. And she heard the subtle manipulation, seemingly so innocent.

_We want you to keep your friend safe._

That was the selling point, that was how they would capture Rinn. Helena knew that her friend would do anything for her and that hurt. _She thinks she owes me where in truth her world, her story now owns me. _

Helena had snorted, bitterly and then realised abruptly that her omnitool was making a faint noise, signalling to her that she had an incoming call.

_Miranda,_ she thought and looked down, only to be disappointed. _Annie._

The physiotherapist had told her that she would call. Sighing, realising that she was going to have to abandon the conversation; Helena got down from the table and went to her window. She had been assured that it was one way glass, but she still wanted to get some curtains. If she woke up with a view like _that_ every morning, she might well go mad.

_Don't be stupid. Curtains? It probably has automatic blinds._

"Annie," she answered, keeping her voice low as the omnitool's projection appeared before her. The future was nothing if not cool. She could tell that her therapist was at home, her features relaxed and more casual.

"I'm following up," she said, reminding Helena that the woman had actually told her that she would. "How are you doing, Helen?"

The name surprised her for Helena hadn't been called that in a while. It caught her off guard and she didn't know how to reply. Annie waited for her and then saw something in her eyes Helena hadn't wanted her to see. The woman's features softened slightly as her face came closer, almost as if she wanted to look into her eyes.

"Are you okay, Helena?" She asked and the formality of her full name was back. "What's happened? Are you in pain?"

Helena listened beyond the silence of her room and wondered what else was being said.

"I'm fine," she whispered. "I'm okay."

The woman continued to look beyond her words, beyond the mask Helena was so desperately trying to get back into place. But it was late and she was in pain, though it had nothing to do with her shoulder.

_They're using me to manipulate Rinn. _

"Helena," Annie said softly. "You know, it's okay not to be sometimes."

Helena wished that she could believe her. Wished that she knew how to allow herself that space.

"I'm fine," she said again and this time sounded as if she meant it. "My shoulder… is fine."

* * *

**The Normandy's shuttle was waiting for her outside of the apartment building and Kate, grateful that she was given an opportunity to go home, didn't hesitate to turn in its direction. **She didn't go immediately however, feeling the tug on her psyche.

_Liara._

Katelyn sighed and turned back to the asari whom she had left the apartment with. Liara was standing at her own vehicle, looking at the Cerberus emblem on the shuttle's door. Although it would not make them popular, nobody would dare try and take them out publicly. They might get pulled over for a speeding fine or illegal descending, but the truth was, regardless of their association, nobody really _cared_ in Nos Astra as long as they paid all their docking fees in advance.

_Am I willing to leave these two here? In this city with its masked slavery?_

She looked at Liara, studying her features, studying her eyes and the sadness that seemed to manifest on her face.

_Am I willing to leave these two with her? _

That answer came surprisingly quick and she felt some of the tension that had been in her shoulders ever since Liara told her of her plan dissipate.

_I am, because I trust her._

"Are you going back to the Normandy?" Liara asked softly and sounded… disappointed, as if she already knew the answer. _She had spent some time in my head when we were hunting Saren. Maybe something… stayed behind._

"I am," Katelyn said simply. "It's been a long day." She hesitated, reminding herself of the echo of sadness that she had seen. "Unless there is anything else?"

She expected Liara to say that there was, to stutter and stand there gawking and stumbling over her own words like Rinn did. It was one of the endearing qualities of the younger woman, one that she had realised in these past two weeks reminded her of Liara. She told herself that it would make Liara understand Rinn. Appreciate her.

But Liara didn't say anything. She simply stood there, making eye contact.

"There isn't," she said quietly and looked to the apartment. "It's all up to them now."

_Like so many other things,_ Shepard thought bitterly, thinking about Helena and the secrets that she still kept from them. _Can we trust them to make the right decisions?_

The answer was simple, for now – they didn't have a choice.

"That it is," she said tiredly and wished to take another step closer to the shuttle, but couldn't make herself turn away from Liara. "Thank you for everything you've done for them."

That sadness returned. "You asked me to take care of Helena," she said quietly. "I won't deny you, Katelyn."

The commander didn't know what to say and stood there at a loss for words. Her silence made Liara shift and look at her own car.

"I…" She began and the maiden was back, the archaeologist Katelyn had pulled from the mine. The change was so sudden that it left Kate heartbroken. "I have a spare room… Commander. We can still… talk."

If it was any other asari Katelyn would've been worried, but she knew Liara and she knew her needs. Though, she knew her own as well.

"I need to get back to the Normandy," she said again, but her voice was kinder this time. "I'll come by again, Liara. We'll be here a while."

She knew that Liara was disappointed, but the asari hid it almost as well as she should've.

"Of course," she said softly and then smiled at her. It was still a kind smile, a friendly smile. "There are a few places I want to show you in Nos Astra. When things… are more settled."

_More settled, _Katelyn wondered and tried to imagine what it meant in a galaxy that could be attacked by reapers at any given moment. But, she smiled at Liara because she wanted to see this place. And wanted to spend more time with the asari. The more she was around her, the more Katelyn realised how much she had missed her.

When things were settled and this business with Helena and Rinn sorted.

* * *

**She heard a door slide open and watched as Helena quietly padded over to the bathroom.** Rinn knew what her friend would tell her. That the choice was hers to make, that Helena couldn't choose for her. _But you have so far and you haven't been wrong. And whatever I choose affects you._ That was the thing. If it were only her... _Then you wouldn't have been alive right now. You know that, Rinn._

But then, what if that's why Helena _was_ there? To keep Rinn alive. _Because let's face it, you wouldn't survive on your own._

When Helena re-emerged, she only took a few steps into the room, tilting her head slightly to the side as she studied Rinn. "Should I give you space or do you want to talk?" she asked finally, her voice soft as if not wishing to disturb the atmosphere.

Rinn gave a small smile, knowing that it wasn't reaching her eyes, knowing that her friend would see it for what it was. "I could use another voice besides the ones bouncing around in my head," she replied. _Besides, you need to know as this will affect you._ Rinn paused at the thought. _Will it? Will you allow it, Rinn? Will you throw your friend off course as well? _Here Helena had decent medical attention, she had the opportunity to work with Liara – someone Rinn knew she admired – and she had the opportunity to find her feet at a time when the ginger _needed_ to do so. Helena needed to feel in control of her own life again, Rinn knew it.

_Who am I to take that away from you?_

The dark-haired woman might have been wrong, but Helena's approach seemed _cautious_. Whether it was simply hesitation due to what the ginger might perceive Rinn's mood as being or whether it was the nature of what she had become, she simply didn't know. She watched as her friend slipped onto a nearby couch and turned her bespectacled gaze on Rinn. Reading her like a book, no doubt. _But how much do you see?_

Rinn shifted in her seat, her eyes trailing down to her hands, noting the way the muscles in her forearms moved. She used to do athletics as a teenager. Through the course of her rigorous training, she had become quite strong. She recognized the feeling of _power_ in her now. Potential energy. The nanocytes hadn't been twiddling their imaginary thumbs despite whatever Miranda's doohickey kept them from achieving. _And that's apparently useful... I guess it can be._

_Of course it can be._

"The job Liara's trying to arrange for me," she said finally. "It's... not what I expected."

Helena's expression didn't change exactly, but Rinn felt as if there was something... different. "I heard some," she admitted. "I thought it... would be admin."

_If you saw Liara's expression, when I thought it was..._She must think I'm an idiot._

"So did I," Rinn said softly, then drew a sharp breath. "They want to train me as a bodyguard of sorts. Use me to protect you for the most part-" She stopped when Helena snorted.

"I heard the sales pitch," her friend said dismissively with a flick of her wrist as if she was trying to physically wipe the idea from the room. "I don't need protection. Doesn't make sense." She looked away from Rinn and sniffed again. Rinn thought it might be in anger, but that was Helena's default emotion. Even the fact that it was late and could've made the ginger grumpy, because she was definitively tired.

_Clearly secretaries don't just shuffle papers around, that's for sure. But then, Helena is what she is... As I am what I am._

"It does a little," Rinn countered softly. "They see you as an... oracle. Could be a valuable commodity."

Helena glowered at the window. "I'm not. I've told them."

_And that settles it? _

"Would you have believed yourself?" she asked her friend. _Playing the mirror, showing you how the rest of us think._ Helena was quiet for a while and then she seemed to give in a little.

"No," the ginger gave a small, bitter smile. "If I were them, I wouldn't give Helena _Gordon_ free reign on Illium."

_Gordon, from Barbara Gordon. Batman's Oracle._ _You're such a geek Helena._

"Exactly," Rinn said with a nod. She turned her gaze to the room, thinking about the women who had left. Dinner had been comfortable for the most part, almost pleasant. But there had been some tension. Her own awkwardness with Liara. And then there was Katelyn and Helena's... whatever one could call it. _Contest of wills?_

"Katelyn doesn't seem too sure of this offer," she continued, hating that she had to bring the commander up now. But it was important. It was _telling_. "She's staying until she's sure I'm okay... Whatever that means." _Is there such a thing as being okay again?_ "I don't know what she thinks she'll be able to do if I am not. I have no place on the Normandy."

_And where would I go? Where would we go?_

Rinn sighed, running her hand through her long, dark hair. "I don't know, Lena. I thought that..." she stopped deciding not to continue on that line. _Did I really think it was over? Surely not. But oh how I longed to believe..._ "Everyone just seemed determined that it was all... That I'm..." _Not different. Not a monster._ She grimaced and gave a small shrug. "This was unexpected."

Helena didn't react, but her eyes became a little bit fiercer.

"If you don't want to do it, then don't," Helena said softly, then sighed. "I won't make this decision for you. I can play devil's advocate, but I wasn't given a choice." There was a flash of bitterness. "None actually. So... Make sure you make the right one."

'_Make sure you make the right one.' _Rinn sat quietly, letting her gaze trail through the room again. It was a very comfortable space. She didn't feel like she was going to dirty it by looking at it, nor had a sense that it was bare bone. It held a promise of change. Of good change. But...

_How? How do I know what the right one is? What do I know anyway?_

"I don't know," Rinn murmured as much to herself as to Helena. "It will be different – unlike anything I've done before." _That's not such a bad thing though, is it?_ "I'm not against it exactly, it's just that I never thought..." she sighed and noticed her right thumb was running over the ridges of her stumped finger again. "Well, I'm only getting this offer because of... what I am."

The room was silent as both seemed to process. She felt like the elephant in the room. And no amount of talking about it or referring to her metamorphosis seemed to take that feeling away from her. Now here it was: Addressing the elephant and referring to it as a... tool?

"We're all given positions given our potential to do work," Helena said finally. "Not for what we can do at the time of our appointment. Liara wouldn't have considered me it I was... dumb as dust." She looked at Rinn. "I guess it has to do with how you see yourself. How you can see yourself. This _might_ help you accept... that your body has changed."

'_Changed'. Not warped or corrupted. Changed. _It was such an easy way to look at it. Such a precious way to find an angle where the events that created this mere _modification_ to her structure was not as gut wrenching for both of them. A simple transition into something more... _Useful apparently._

Rinn nodded to her friend, if only to acknowledge that she had heard.

"Maybe," she added neutrally.

Helena was quiet for a moment, then sighed.

"I don't think it's a bad thing, per say," she pointed out. "If they don't abuse the situation. I just don't want you to get bullied into something you don't want to do. And I don't want to see you get hurt."

Again Rinn nodded her understanding. A part of her was admittedly curious. It was an avenue previously unexplored and one that she was now _capable_ of taking. But for the past couple of weeks everyone had tried to convince her that she could live a normal life.

_And does being a bodyguard not constitute being normal?_

It wasn't a bad profession. It called to her guardienne nature, but it also meant turning her back on what everyone had been telling her ever since they tested Miranda's machine. There would be no leaving the beast behind.

"I can't see the bad in it," she told her friend finally. "I just... I can't explain. I can't put to words what I feel, Lena." She rubbed her forehead, closing her eyes briefly in hopes of finding a thread of _something. _Words had the tendency to be as mist to her. The thoughts were there, ideas, concepts, but incorporeal. Insubstantial. Never within reach when she needed it. She sighed as again she only found her mind a haze and opened her eyes. "I wish I could. Maybe if I had the words, I could make sense of it myself. I just... What if, by making me stronger, I make _it _stronger?"

That was the catch. The snag in this convenient notion of use.

"What if I just end up giving it more skills?"

Helena shifted in her seat and Rinn could sense her anger once again. "I think if we live in fear of it coming back..." she shrugged and controlled herself, controlled her tone. "We're not going to go anywhere. I can't live like that. If it does come back, it will do damage regardless of where it is."

Rinn shook her head. "I'm trying to limit the damage, Lena. I mean, as I'm now, I'm not good at fighting. I might be strong, but... If I suddenly become good... I just..." She ran her hand through her hair. Why was it so difficult to say what she thought? Why was it so difficult to make her friend see? Why did it always seem like she was the only one who was worried about the reality, while everyone else seemed to either look over it or flat out ignore that it existed?

_What am I missing? Was I the only one really trying to believe them? Had they merely been bullshitting this whole time?_

_Idiot. Of course they were. _

"I was foolish to believe it's over," she said softly. "I just don't want to continue the trend by enabling this thing to be worse."

Helena was quiet as she studied Rinn and she could see her friend was weighing something. "Why don't you go tomorrow? See what they want. What they'll do. Bring the contract back. Let's look at it."

Rinn wondered how much of the discussion Helena had overheard. She sighed as her mind replayed her conversation with the two people and the choice she was left with. "What do you think about what Katelyn said she would do if I didn't feel comfortable enough with the arrangement?"

The rain was the only thing to be heard for the next couple of moments and Rinn chose to turn her attention to it rather than studying her friend. This was the crux of it. It was all fine and well to say she wasn't interested or comfortable, but the consequences...

"Kate will do as she sees fit," Helena said finally with a chill in her voice. "And what she believes to be best for you. I won't argue against that."

"It'll take you away from here," Rinn said softly to the window.

"This is not my decision, Rinn." She heard Helena sigh and shift in her chair as she gathered her own thoughts. "I just don't want to stay on the Normandy if they do extract us."

_Is that even an option? _Rinn mused. It was doubtful. There was no way the crew would – or should – feel safe around her. The hybrid had betrayed them, which was something neither Grunt nor Jack, for all their ferocity, had done. No. It wasn't an option. _And if not there, then where?_ Her mind ran over the planets she knew, the colonies she knew. It felt unwise to be near predominantly human colonies and the reapers weren't just going to disappear because they had arrived. And their arrival, despite Rinn's own bafflement, had to mean something. Which meant they had to be near to the fight. _Otherwise we could have just stayed at home._

_En as ek nie kan verder gaan, begin ek weer van voor af aan_.

It felt as if Rinn's mind was on repeat. Running in circles and always coming back to the same thing. She let her eyes look beyond the rain to the buildings well lit, though still somehow feeling unobtrusive. The architecture wasn't as sharp as the concrete buildings she remembered during her trips through Johannesburg. Grey, unyielding and unwelcoming. Cape Town at least had a view, despite it being a miserable place to live in – or so she had heard.

Nos Astra felt mysterious. The angles of the buildings were smoothed over a little. _Oblique_, the word came to mind. The night lights were soft. Not the type to try and tempt you to enter like some greedy casino. They were both distant, yet oddly soothing. Not quite welcoming, but not as disinterested.

"What do you think of Illium?" she asked Helena, finally turning her attention back to her friend. The other woman seemed surprised by the change of subject and took a moment to link it to what they had been talking about.

"I've not seen much of it. The location's not important," Helena said, still on the topic of relocating. "I think... being near Liara might be."

"Whatever happens, the people in Kate's life will be key players," Rinn observed with a nod and her friend mirrored the gesture.

"We just need to make it through a few months," Helena said.

_That soon?_ _That soon until the reapers come? Did Katelyn really have so little time?_ It was a frightening thought and Rinn became aware that her thumb had found the line of her missing fingers again. It was a hard habit to break, apparently. _Only a couple of months. And in the meantime, I learn how to fight and hope that I don't turn and help the reapers with all my new mad skillz._ She grimaced and then wondered what Katelyn needed to do in the time left? And why Helena seemed so calm about it. Was it that something else would happen instead? Something not as immediately desperate? Part of her wanted to ask, but another knew, or at least guessed, that it was better for her _not_ to know. Not with the devil caged inside her.

"Miranda has developed a programme," Rinn said softly as her thoughts continued their usual mad dash. Despite keeping herself ignorant, other precautionary measures had to be put into place. Helena would need to have some kind of warning mechanism. With their living arrangement, the software could be crucial in keeping her friend safe. "It tracks the nanocyte balance... We should get you a copy."

She gave the ginger's bedroom door a quick glance. _I wonder how sturdy that is..._

Then she turned back to face her friend and Helena's eyes met hers. "I'm probably seeing her tomorrow," the woman said and Rinn was surprised to hear how bland the statement came out.

"Ask her to get you that," Rinn continued. "She might be able to explain the details that flew right over my head." The ginger's tone was so different than she had expected it to be. Helena's farewell to Miranda barely more than two weeks ago had been... electric. What had happened in between then and now? She shifted position in her seat and studied Helena, deciding to go ahead and ask what she wanted to. "I would have thought you'd be... more enthusiastic about seeing her again."

The ginger gave her an unhappy look. "Miranda and I..." Helena gave a vague motion with her hand. "We just don't have a lot to say to each other."

_Wow... It's not like you two need much when it comes to words..._

"What happened?" Rinn asked.

Helena shifted and her posture changed. She seemed oddly diminished suddenly as her gaze turned inward. She looked like someone who had _failed_ herself. "I... lost perspective. Interacted with her based on the woman... I know she could be. Who she would be in the future and she's not there yet. She is... the loyalist – be it to Cerberus or Katelyn." Helena shrugged and Rinn could feel the surprising weight of sadness that had fallen over her friend. "And that's where her duty lies. Not to me." She shook her head, as if shaking off her feelings, and turned back to Rinn. "You know me. I flirt too much. And just... Sometimes I'd like it if people actually flirted back. She's one of those."

The suggestion was there. _Miranda might make me feel less lonely._

"She'll get there, Lena," Rinn said softly. "It... might be a beautiful thing to watch." _Watching someone change for the better always is._

Helena startled her out of her thoughts with a harsh bark of laughter. "_She_ is anyway," she said then shook her head. "I just feel that things are too complicated. This is too complicated and I really..." Helena trailed off. "It's just too much. With her and Katelyn and all of this." She motioned to the room around them. "It's too much."

It was an echo of her own words that Rinn had not expected from the ginger. _Cut from the same cloth._ It had been something Rinn had told Helena a lot when they first started communicating electronically. With the physical distance, she had always felt braver. She risked more with what she said to Helena, not fearing any of the reactions her friend's physical presence would have brought. And it was true. Despite how they processed, despite how they acted, they often _felt_ things the same way. It had enabled Rinn so many times to read in between the lines of what Helena was saying. But only in written form. The ginger almost felt like a different, unknown entity whenever they were standing right beside each other. The mask was just too strong, too intimidating._ And most of the time I'm too much of a coward to confront it._

"Agreed," Rinn murmured. It meant something that her friend would admit to things being overwhelming at least. And it was. All of it was tremendous and Rinn knew that she was still frozen in shock. Startled into inaction. That was the very problem.

She turned her thoughts back to Helena, trying to grasp how it would be to experience this through her eyes. While Rinn always accepted that a situation may be beyond her control, her friend always needed to have at least some part in hand. It was perhaps why, despite her ferocious temper, Helena always kept her mind in command of her heart. _And here we are, lost and damaged and helpless._

_But Miranda might be good for her. She needs someone who understands her and we both knew that Miranda as a character was always closest to how Helena thought. She shouldn't discard this._

"Just..." Rinn added, more as indication that she wanted to say more than actually having the words together. A placeholder before Helena moved to a different subject. She gave an inward sigh as she tried sticking the right words in the right places. "Don't chuck it in the dustbin just yet. It might... help. Y'know?"

She didn't wait for her friend to respond, instead turning her eyes and her scrutiny away from Helena. It wasn't really her business, after all. And she had said all she could. She let her mind go back to the ginger's comment. It _was_ all too much. _And now I need to make decisions in the middle of it._ Rinn drew a deep, shaky breath and exhaled it slowly.

"Are you scared?" she asked finally. A pointless question perhaps, but she needed to hear it answered. She needed Helena to be honest about her emotions too. She was tired of feeling alone with her own.

Helena seemed surprised that she had even asked and, for a moment, Rinn feared that she might be left feeling on her own anyway.

"Terrified," her friend replied, dispelling that fear immediately. "I cried all the way to Illium."

Rinn paused as she gave Helena a searching look. Deciding that Helena must have been serious, she gave a small smile. "It took you long enough," she mused. "You do the 'courage under fire' thing really well." _I never know where you are really at._

"Meg Ryan died in that movie," her friend's voice was deadpan.

_There was a movie?_

"Never watched it," she said, not wishing to reveal her ignorance. She considered Helena's reply. _Is that how you feel? Where you see yourself going? _

"Well, now you know." There was a pause before Helena smiled and shrugged. "I just..." she paused again, looking away. "If you're so scared. So..." She trailed off, changing gears as she met Rinn's gaze. "I take every day as it comes. There are so many things I don't know, so many answers I don't have that. As an INTJ, I'm fucked. So, I figured to just take every day as it comes. It's... like going on an airplane. You know you have to go forward. You know you're going somewhere. But whatever happens in the air is out of your hands. If it falls, you can't do anything to stop it. So, you accept that you might die. Or live. And you just take each moment as it is knowing that the only certainty in that moment is that you don't know how to fly a plane."

Helena broke eye contact, looking down at her hands. "It doesn't make me less scared. It's just made me realise that I have to accept that I can't do anything to change it."

Rinn looked at her friend and found herself wishing that sometimes the gap in their personalities weren't as wide. There was always a chasm – she felt it so acutely whenever they spoke of matters of the heart. She knew she'd never cross it. She also knew she'd never stop trying.

"I'm scared too," she replied with a shrug. "But I guess that's a given. I've hardly been someone who could hide such things. And definitely not from you." Helena gave her a kind smile and Rinn snorted at the unspoken response. "I don't do the 'courage under fire' thing well." She returned the smile. "I envy you that. At least you can bullshit."

Rinn sighed and tried to believe that what she was about to ask, she'd receive. "Just don't bullshit me, Lena. We're in this together." _Even when it feels like we're so far apart._ "Otherwise... we could just as well be alone." _I could just as well have died. _"And this place is scary enough as it is."

"I won't," the ginger replied and sounded as if she meant it. "If I don't... show anything or say anything, it's because I don't know _how_. It's not you."

_But it seems like you never do. It's all bravado, all forced belief. It's all the things you want it to be. And I can't be that with you. And I can't call you out on it. What if that's the thread you're dangling on?_

"And be honest with me," Helena added. "Please."

Rinn rubbed her eyes wearily then nodded. "Alright. Just... I'm not like you, Lena. It's... hard to know what's appropriate. I always say too much... And... Telling you every day I'm afraid of turning into a monster hardly seems the right thing to do given..." _Given that I locked you into a pod. Given that I toyed with you. Given that I scared you. Given that I don't deserve to even breathe air._ "Well, given everything."

"I know," Helena said quietly. "And I know you are scared. I know how scared you are of it. You can tell me as much as you want, Rinn. That is how you process, how you think. You process your thoughts with your words. And I want to hear them. Just know that I will always tell you the same thing. That I'll keep an eye on you. That I'll try and stop it from ever happening again. That I'm not going to worry about it now, in this moment. Because you are not a monster. And you won't be in five minutes, or even ten. So, we're okay. Now. Even if we are scared."

"_You have to start believing that it is."_ They had been on the Normandy, in the observation room, and Helena's tone had slashed like a whip to her heart. _"Trusting that it is. Otherwise you will never get out of this room!"_

Yes, Helena _would_ always tell her.

_Is that what you're afraid of? A whipping? You used to be afraid of the strap too until you realised you could bear the pain. Until you realised that the ones wielding it needed to make themselves feel as if they were right even when they were not. Needed to feel a way to release their own frustrations, their impatience, their anger. Back then it was nothing more than demeaning._

_Why can't you do the same with this?_

Rinn frowned at the thought, taking a moment to ponder the question.

_Because in this I still value the opinion of the wielder._

But then she remembered her and Helena sitting together on a cot on the Normandy. Remembered their fingers intertwined after they had tested whether Miranda's device worked. Remembered the physical presence of her friend who, despite hating contact, chose to sit close to her, to touch her. She remembered Helena's apology. _"I will never stop trusting you." _

"_I'll find you somewhere, I'll keep on trying, until my dying day,"_ the ginger had sung to her – another anomaly.

She nodded lest her inaction lingered too long. Helena wasn't lying in her belief that Rinn's mind was safe – and by extension Rinn herself. The husk was locked away. Which meant that they had this chance, and every chance after it, to make something of this life. _It might be all we have._

She took a deep breath, then turned her mind back to the issue at hand. Going back to the Normandy was not an option. Leaving Helena behind wasn't an option. Relocating her wasn't an option. They had to be near one of the main 'characters' of the game. There would be no point otherwise for them to be there. Which made Illium the only logical place to be. Which made it important.

_I'm going to learn to fight. I'm going to learn to shoot._ Rinn suddenly gave a soft, deep-throated chuckle as the realisation trickled into her mind.

"There is one funny bit about the work thing," she said to her friend. She lay a hand on her chest, indicating towards herself. "It's the pacifist that's going to be turned into the gun-toting, ass-kicking bodyguard." She smirked, then shrugged. "Even in this world, everything is arse-about-face."

"And _I_ have to master the inter-galactic dewy decimal system," Helena added dourly. "Your world is drunk."

"Maybe to make up for how little I drink? If ever there was an excuse for alcoholism," Rinn snorted then gave a thoughtful pause. "I wonder if I can get drunk..."

Helena shifted. "My scientific observation would be that it depends on your metabolism. Considering what I've seen of your appetite, I'd venture a guess at no. Or simply fleeting." _You do sound like Miranda._

_You haven't even nearly seen my appetite._

"Oh well. There goes that temptation," Rinn said lightly.

Helena smiled then sighed, turning to look in the direction of her room. "I should probably get to bed. Do you have everything you need?" Her good hand moved up slowly and touched her right shoulder.

_Are you in pain?_

"Yeah," Rinn nodded and mirrored the sigh, wondering what the time was. "I should probably do the same... Nab some munchies first." She paused, considering her friend, considering what she wanted to say. Then gave a mental shrug. "Love you, Lena."

Helena, who had been in the process of getting up, paused then straightened. Her eyes were kind suddenly and her features softer than Rinn had ever seen it.

"The same," she said softly and inclined her head deeply, as if paying homage to her.

Uncomfortable with the attention, Rinn decided to risk one last request.

"Enough to wash the dishes?"

Helena's reply was quick and expected.

"No."

_Our universe might've changed but some things never would._ Rinn smiled at her, and snapped the fingers of her three fingered hand in a flicking motion.

"Damn."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 06**

**It should've looked different, but it didn't. **It just looked… more real. Larger than life.

Helena stood outside of the Normandy and took her first, really good look at the previously fictional ship; at its design and its engines. She allowed herself to _think_ about it for a moment, to consider the fact that it really travelled _in space._ That it was a _spaceship._ Things had been so hectic at first that she hadn't really considered it.

She didn't know whether to think about it now or whether just to accept that it was normal and move on with her life.

_Move on,_ Helena thought and shivered when a cold wind blew into her neck. She pulled her knitted hat closer over her ears and stretched her shoulder a bit. She hurt this morning, but it was her own fault. She ended up sleeping with the brace because she couldn't get off by herself and hadn't had the heart to go out again and ask Rinn for help. She figured that the discomfort she felt now was punishment for stubbornness.

_Not that stubbornness is going to get me anywhere this morning._

Helena had lain awake all night thinking about it and she had come to the conclusion that she wasn't sure whether she was ready to see Miranda Lawson again. It wasn't that they had parted on _bad_ terms. More to the point, the terms were actually quite clear: Figure out what they wanted from each other, learn how to either accept that there will be secrets or give in and tell all.

Helena knew for fact that the latter was most certainly out, so the only way she and Miranda would ever have a chance was if the Cerberus woman actually accepted that Helena was going to keep secrets from her.

_And it's not entirely fair towards her, _Helena thought as she tried to justify her choice not to pursue the matter anymore. _I know her better than she will ever know me. It's an unfair balance, you can hardly build a relationship on that._ She thought about what she had said to Rinn. It had caught her off guard that her friend picked up on her emotions and it bothered her.

_I shouldn't be so transparent about the Miranda __i__ssue…_

But Rinn knew her as well and would've had to be _blind_ not to see her infatuation with the Normandy's XO. The thing was that Helena had never known for a fact whether her advances would be welcomed. Miranda might've been dead straight in her sexual preference and yet… she wasn't.

_Rinn__'s influence?_ Helena thought miserably and worked her fingers into her neck, easing out the tension around the brace.

_It can be a beautiful thing to watch,_ her friend had said.

Development, metamorphosis.

Her omnitool was making that irritating beeping noise again. Sighing, Helena drew herself out of her thoughts and answered it, relieved to see that she wasn't late yet.

The caller appeared to be unknown which made her frown. _Don't tell me they have those irritating cold-call salesmen here too._

"Hello?" she queried hesitantly, noticing that it wasn't a video call.

"Helena," it was EDI's voice. "My sensors indicate that you are in the vicinity of the Normandy. Are you having trouble coming on board? I can dispatch Kelly Chambers to assist you."

_Deploying Kelly Chambers!_

Helena didn't know whether to smile or grimace. "I'm alright, EDI," she said and wondered _how_ the AI knew she was close. "I'm simply running a mental diagnostic."

The AI didn't reply for a second. "Of course," she said and sounded strangely happy. "I am continuously running diagnostics on my systems since the repairs. It can be very time consuming. At what speed are you processing? I can calculate the approximate time it will take you to finish and will only bother you then."

Helena blinked and wondered whether the AI was trying to make small talk or pull her leg. "It's alright," she said. "I'll ahm. I'm fine. I can pause." She sighed. "You can send out the Kelly." _Send out the hounds! _

_Helena__! Stop it! _

"Of course," the AI said. "She is on her way."

Helena took a deep breath and shut down her omnitool. Looking at the Normandy, she eased her small shoulder bag into a more comfortable position and walked forward. Kelly appeared before she even saw the airlock, which made her wonder whether the yeoman had been waiting for her. She scanned the docking area and looked genuinely pleased when she finally spotted Helena.

Bracing herself, Helena risked a smile when the yeoman approached her.

"Helena!" Kelly exclaimed, speaking first. "I almost didn't recognize you. Hello." It might've been instinct or a test, but she reached out as if she wanted to hug her. Helena, self-conscious and insecure given where she was going, pulled back ever so slightly and quickly held out her hand instead, not giving Kelly the opportunity to come close to her.

"Hello, Kelly," she said, trying to keep her voice warm. "It's good to see you." It was the safest thing Helena could think to say. The yeoman seamlessly flowed from wanting to give her a hug to shaking her hand, her touch friendly. Her green eyes were bright with delight as she studied Helena's clothes. She had chosen to wear a long, brown skirt with a loose, formal shirt and jacket because she needed to go to Liara afterwards. The diversity of cultures in Nos Astra meant that there was luckily not a set style, but Helena's wardrobe consisted more of asari-like fashion than any other simply because it had been Liara who had taken her shopping.

"You look nice," Kelly said, finally releasing her hand. "And I love the hat. How have you been?"

Helena made sure to keep on smiling, though her stomach turned when they began to move towards the Normandy.

"Good," she lied. "Nos Astra's been… an education. How have you been? You look well." It was the kind of thing that people said at the end of a conversation, even though it might not have been the truth. For Kelly, Helena wasn't sure it was. There were subtle indicators, such as the dark circles under the woman's eyes, that showed she didn't sleep well. The tension sketched on her face. Kelly looked at her with the same expression that Helena saw in the mirror every morning.

Then the yeoman changed her expression and looked amused at Helena's statement. "I've had some downtime," she completed the lie. "It's been good. Better to be out doing stuff again." Kelly gave her a critical look. "And you? I see you don't have a sling. That's an improvement." Her tone bordered on clinical, _bordered_ on psychiatrist, but Helena knew it to be habit. She had promised herself to go easy on the yeoman, to be kinder because she needed it.

Everybody _needed_ kindness. Even Helena herself.

They stepped into the airlock and Helena couldn't help but flinch when the doors shut behind them. She looked at them for a moment and then took a deep breath to still her nerves. _I have a life outside of this ship now__.__T__hey won't keep me here._

_But if __Rinn__ decides that she doesn't want to stay… I'll follow her to the end of the universe._

"It's got support," she said and allowed Kelly to lead her towards the elevator. "It's new. I'm still getting used to it. Is Commander Shepard here?"

Kelly looked amused. "I think you and Miranda are the only two who constantly call her by her title," she said brightly. "Yes she is, do you want to go up to see her?"

_Fuck no._

"I think Officer Lawson's waiting," Helena said neutrally. "I wouldn't want to keep her up."

Kelly chuckled and slipped her arm into Helena's without really giving her an opportunity to pull away. It was a friendly gesture. "That's not the vibe I've picked up," she said conspiratorially and Helena immediately understood why. _Oh gods._ "But, you know your needs best."

Helena blushed and shook her head, though she was unable to clear away the mental images her mind had jumped to immediately. She didn't know how to comment on that and chose not to, taking another deep breath to still the butterflies in her stomach.

"Do you know where you're going after Illium?" She asked instead as she stepped into the elevator with Kelly. "I mean, do you have a mission or…" She trailed off when the elevator closed, taking with it the last of her sentence. The butterflies in her stomach turned into a tiger that felt intent on eating her alive.

_Stop it,_ Helena thought. _It's just an elevator._

But the door was closed and it couldn't open and the space was so small…

"We're going to the Terminus systems to my understanding," Kelly said. "Omega probably. They want to test out the Normandy, see if all the repairs will hold."

Helena guessed that Cerberus didn't want to do it in Council space, not wanting to show the universe what the Normandy was capable of. She wondered what missions waited for them there and how much time it would take for the DLC's to come into play. It was going to be interesting to see how it worked out. Rinn had never played any of them, stuck on a back-water Xbox system that still needed _purchased_ modifications simply to connect to wifi.

Microsoft had always shown a preference for microtransactions.

"That's nice," Helena murmured, still feeling the air compress around her. She took a deeper breath to try and get some oxygen into her system, but didn't feel as if her lungs were working at all. _Did EDI take out the air?_ She felt Kelly's pressure on her arm increase.

"Helena?"

She coughed, forced herself to. When she stopped, the elevator opened and she all but fled outside, standing on the crew deck, gulping for air. Kelly watched her through this, her hands clenched in front of her before she relaxed a little. Before she could speak, Helena waved her to silence.

"Sorry," she muttered. "Swallowed the wrong way. Omega, that's… Awesome." She sniffed and realised that she was shaking. "Sorry."

Kelly smiled gently and shook her head. "No need to apologise," she said and stepped closer, dropping her voice. "It's hard coming back the first time. Seeing everything again. Take your time, Helena."

Helena wanted to call her out, to tell her that she was being foolish, but she found that she couldn't speak. Kelly remained where she was, not approaching her until Helena finally got her breathing under control and straightened up.

"Sorry," Helena said again. "I really just swallowed the wrong way." She looked down the hallway to the Starboard Observation room and wondered whether Samara was there. _I should go and say hi to her…_ "Is Officer Lawson in the infirmary already?"

Kelly's eyes were sadder as she regarded her.

"I think she wouldn't mind if you simply call her Miranda," the yeoman said quietly then smiled. "Yes, she is. You know the way?"

Helena closed her eyes and blew out a steadying breath.

"Of course," she said and turned to the corridor.

_I've walked these halls so much, I can do it in my sleep._

* * *

**Miranda had thought that asking Anita to sit in on the examination would've made the atmosphere lighter****,**** but somehow she could not help but think that the nurse's presence made it worse.** For one thing, Anita could hardly look Helena in the eye, her gaze downcast as she carefully held the blanket in place that protected the ginger's modesty. It was draped over her left shoulder while Miranda stood behind her, studying the wound. She was putting more concentration into it than she should have, critically noticing the new healing and skin. She didn't dare touch it. She wanted to and could've by rights, but the first time she ran her fingers over Helena's shoulder, the younger woman had nearly jumped off of the bed. The ginger was very tense and the silence around them was becoming _very_ suffocating.

_Say something__,__ Anita,_ Miranda found herself begging as she glanced over Helena's head at the nurse. _Don't just stand there for heaven's sake._ She met the nurse's gaze as the woman looked up briefly, but Anita only looked at her for a second or two before she turned away. Wondering what was wrong with her, Miranda braced herself and decided to make some conversation of her own.

"I'm going to touch you, Helena," she warned softly, waiting a moment and then rested her fingers lightly on the ginger's shoulder. She didn't jump this time, but Miranda could see how the tiny hairs on the back of her neck rose.

"You said that they're going to start giving you exercises?"

Before the examination, Helena had given her a very formal recital of her progress so far. It was one of the reasons there was very little for them to talk about. She had covered _everything._

_It's not as if there's nothing for us to talk about,_ Miranda thought. _We have a lot to say to each other__,__ but it seems that neither of us wants to open that can of worms._

"Yes," Helena said, a hint of irritation in her voice for needing to repeat herself. "Tell me... what do you see? Does it look alright?" The irritation was gone as quickly as it had come, replaced by a touch of uncertainty. And the need for approval.

Miranda considered her answer carefully. "It looks better," she said and decided to be honest. "Unfortunately, I suspect that there will be some scarring. I've found that the stabilisers that they use..." She trailed off, not sure if she should criticize another doctor's work when she had refused to do it herself. _We had to send her away._ "It looks alright. You just have to watch this brace, I don't think the idea was to sleep with it."

Helena didn't comment for a while, shifting slightly so that she could touch the blanket herself. "Anita," she said quietly. "I'll hold this, may I ask you for a cup of coffee?" Anita's gaze came to her immediately and she looked almost... relieved.

"Officer Lawson?"

Miranda sighed, deciding that things couldn't get any _more_ awkward. "Please, Anita," she said. "I would like to have one as well. If it's not too much trouble, ask Chakwas too."

She half expected the nurse to salute her. "Of course," she said quickly and made sure that Helena had a proper hold on the blanket. "I'll be right back."

She left the infirmary without any fanfare, but Miranda had a feeling she was going to take a while to bring Helena's coffee. The ginger sighed when the door closed behind the nurse, leaving them alone in the room.

"What's wrong with her?" She asked immediately. "Is it me?"

Miranda blinked at the question, having expected another awkward silence to descend. "Anita?" She queried. "What do you mean?"

She couldn't see Helena's face, but she saw the way her brow moved. With as little hair as she had, there were very few facial expressions that could go unnoticed. "She's..." Helena seemed to consider her next description. "Distant. Did you notice how she's not making eye contact with me? Did something happen or is it just..." Helena shrugged with one shoulder and the blanket shifted slightly. Miranda looked at it and carefully brought it back to Helena's neck before she continued to inspect her wound.

"I don't think it's you," Miranda said honestly. "Nurse Young is just working through some... difficulties. She had requested a transfer off of the Normandy, but the Illusive Man denied her. I'd imagine she feels that I could've done something about it. I think it's more about me than you."

Helena blinked and raised her brow, turning her head slightly. "Why did he deny her?" She pointed out. "She's just a nurse. And you're a civilian operation. She can just quit."

Miranda didn't answer immediately, worried suddenly that the ginger _could_ read her mind. She had headed operations where they needed to track and neutralise rogue agents. The Illusive Man took good care of his people, but for that he demanded absolute loyalty and obedience. She was lucky, she had freer reign than most, but Miranda dreaded to think what would happen the day _she_ decided to quit the organisation.

"You don't just leave Cerberus," she said slowly. "She signed a contract. It's tough to think about it that way, but she knew the risks. From a practical point of view, the organisation is short on medical staff at the moment that are qualified enough to man this ship. Anita is very good at what she does."

She felt Helena's snort and could almost feel her _contempt_ for the organisation. "And what will happen to her if she just walks away?" She asked. "What will happen to you if you decide to go and settle down? To leave all of this for... domesticity." There was an accentuation on the word that suggested to Miranda she held about as much contempt for domestic life as she did for Cerberus.

Miranda wondered if she had followed her thoughts or whether it was just a natural question.

"I won't quit," she said. "I am needed here. If we survive the reaper invasion, I am fairly sure the Illusive Man won't care what I do with my life afterwards."

There was a shift in the air and this time Helena moved away from her touch, not to leave her but to turn and give her a truly curious look. There was a focus in her eyes that immediately put Miranda's guard up.

"You're not needed in Cerberus," she pointed out. "You're needed here, on the Normandy with Katelyn. If she leaves Cerberus, you'd do better at her side than theirs." The shift in the air began to feel like pressure, as if Helena was consciously pushing against her, knowing that the subject could be awkward.

_You just don't want to play nicely, do you?_

"She won't leave Cerberus," Miranda said simply, but she wasn't sure whether it was the whole truth. "She knows how important this is, especially now with the Alliance denying _everything._ They won't fund any activity related to stopping the reapers. Cerberus will."

Helena's eyes called her bluff, but she didn't push again. Yet, she also didn't turn away from Miranda. "When the reapers come, she'll be recalled to duty. I don't think she'd deny the Alliance then. The Normandy will most probably be commandeered as well. If not by the Alliance, then the Citadel Fleet."

Wondering what lay behind the topic, Miranda shrugged and moved her hands to Helena's arm. "I'm going to lift it," she murmured softly. "Tell me when it hurts. I don't think that when the reapers come our allegiances will count for much anymore. The Illusive Man and I have spoken about it. Unless they bench her, there'd be no harm in Katelyn returning to the Alliance. She is an important player regardless of which teams she heads. Ready?" There was an audible click as Helena clenched her teeth together before her body relaxed.

"Okay," she murmured and for a moment her voice was tense and insistent. "I can tell you now it will be at about 60 degrees. That's about where my tolerance for movement is." Her muscles started tensing again, but Helena took a deep breath and eased the tension out of her arm. "Allegiances are everything, Officer Lawson. You'd be surprised what lines people draw when there are fires all around. I don't even think that the batarians and humans would drop their feud when hell breaks loose." She spoke with so much certainty that Miranda, who was still carefully lifting her arm, had to stop and let go of her. She looked at Helena, studying the back of her head as she wondered whether it was the ginger's own somewhat bitter disposition on life that gave her that outlook or the knowledge that it would happen in the future.

_I can't second guess every remark that she makes._

Sighing, Miranda took a step back. "I think we're done here, Helena," she said quietly. "Thank you for coming."

Hesitating, Helena turned back to give Miranda a questioning look. She studied her features, then looked sad. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean it..." She sighed and shrugged. "I just think about these things." She looked to the isolation bed they had kept her in during her first days on the Normandy. "A lot."

Miranda came round the side of the bed, seeing the miserable look in Helena's eyes. Not knowing how to deal with it she went to the chair that held Helena's new brace and shirt.

"I'll leave you to get dressed," she said. "If there's anything else, we can discuss it in my office. It's more comfortable there."

Helena's reaction was not quite what she expected. The ginger blushed suddenly, her ears going bright red. "Ahm, if you want me to get dressed you'll have to help me," she said awkwardly. "The..."

"Brace," Miranda finished the sentence for her and felt stupid. "Of course. Sorry."

They looked at each other for a moment. Anita had helped Helena take her shirt off before, but now that they had dismissed the nurse... Miranda considered calling her back, but then realised that it would make the situation even more awkward, implying that she didn't trust herself to do so professionally. But then, looking at the way Helena's mouth suddenly thinned in an attempt not to smile she realised that she didn't have to worry about herself.

"What?" She asked as Helena's features became even redder, the effort of keeping whatever words had stuck to her tongue getting the better of her.

"I'm just thinking that it's a new experience," she pointed out. "You actually bothering to put some clothes back on instead of just taking them off."

Miranda's silence was so loud that Helena covered her mouth in an attempt not to laugh. But she looked better suddenly, her eyes bright and the sadness that Miranda had seen before fading. And, it made her realise suddenly that she _missed_ it. These awkward remarks that seemed to stand in such contrast to the woman's usual sharp personality. The warmth and laughter that would usually follow.

_Who else sees this?_ She wondered as she stared at the now chuckling ginger. _Rinn__? Does she notice?_

"You don't change at all," Miranda said dryly, trying to keep the humour from her voice, desperate not to show Helena how much she appreciated it. "I had hoped that Nos Astra would at least teach you civility."

Helena's eyes were surprisingly bright as she grinned.

"On a planet with this much asari?" She queried. "Think again."

* * *

**Nos Astra consisted out of multiple layers; it only made sense that it would.** With buildings large enough to dwarf the skycars buzzing around them, it would be no surprise to find those buildings digging deep into the earth. Yet it still was unnerving, as the vehicle descended from the heavens, to see how the city became lit by artificial light the deeper into the depths they went. Rinn noted the grade separations. Pedestrian walkways passed over roads which passed over train rails heading into every imaginable direction. It oddly reminded her of Midgar and she made a mental note to look up which Final Fantasy had indeed been the last one.

"Jachett can be on the abrasive side, but given his profession, it is not unsurprising," Liara was saying. Helena had already left for the Normandy by the time the asari came to pick her up and the awkwardness of the night before had not dissipated. But Rinn was used to awkwardness, so it didn't truly trouble her as much. If anything, it felt almost reassuring that _she_ hadn't been the only one who was fidgeting.

_His profession. My new profession._

Rinn nodded, keeping her eyes on the world around her. Despite how well lit the world was below, it still felt... confined. Depressing. She shifted, trying to get rid of the heavy weight in her stomach. _You're just nervous. This is all so new..._

"I'll keep that in mind," she replied softly, almost absent-mindedly as she watched a passing train. Its rails, or magnetic bar, or whatever one called it, was above its roof. It sped along at such great speed that Rinn wondered what kind of contraption kept the people inside from falling over. It reminded her of a tram ride she had had once. The ricketly tram had braked abruptly and the female conductor, someone who had displayed amazing balance before, had suddenly rugby tackled Rinn with such force that they both crashed to the floor. It had not only been incredibly awkward as both scrambled back to their feet, but she had had trouble getting air back into her lungs among her embarrassed guffaws. Laughter had always been her default reaction.

She wondered what would have happened on that tram had she been in the condition she was now.

This car ride had also been uncomfortable, but that didn't surprise her either. She never knew what to say to strangers and this was _Liara T'Soni_. Someone whose curiosity and drive brought her to make the magnificent leap from archaeologist to information broker. Katelyn appeared to have come to a point of accepting Rinn and Helena's reticence to reveal what they know. Would Liara be the same? Could she be trusted? A part of the hybrid wanted to believe that the case. But she didn't know and that made her jaw clamp shut as she kept her eyes looking outside instead of acknowledging the asari's curious gaze.

"You are under no obligation to accept the offer – should it be extended," Liara added.

_Oh, I have no doubt it will be._ That's the one thing Rinn knew. Despite the lack of experience, she _knew_ that she would have the necessary 'potential'. She didn't doubt her hand-eye coordination now. Learning to fire a weapon wouldn't be difficult. Learning hand-to-hand combat wouldn't be difficult. Learning the necessary _discipline_ might be the greater challenge, but otherwise? No. No problems there.

"Dr T'Soni," she said gently, finally turning her gaze to the asari. "Do not feel obligated to try and set me at ease. For one, I'm someone who wasn't blessed with an ease for unfamiliar surroundings. Even if I had walked this path a million times before, I would still be as nervous as I am now." She shrugged. "Also, considering my present condition, I don't think any assessment in this profession would deem me... unsuitable."

Liara nodded in what was no doubt acknowledgement. The skycar went silent as it touched down for a remarkably soft landing.

"It's still a short way to walk," Liara commented as she unstrapped and exited the car. Rinn mimicked her, carefully closing the door behind her as she took in the musty air. It wasn't exactly unpleasant, but again hinted at how low they were. It was certainly warmer here and she was reminded that the asari had taken Nos Astra to the sky to avoid the temperatures of the surface. She looked up and noticed how she could only catch a glimpse of the sky up above.

"Shall we go?" the information broker brought her mind back to the present. And Rinn nodded, following the asari's lead as they headed towards a nearby building. The interior took the hybrid by surprise. It seemed... professional. Not that Rinn had expected dank and dusty, but she hadn't imagined the lack of... what? Harshness? She mulled this over as they crossed the large room to an elevator.

"Rinn, you do know that you don't have to address me by my title," Liara said conversationally. "Calling me Liara would be fine."

But somehow, curiously, that didn't feel _right_.

"Sorry... Liara," she tested the name. It felt different despite her having referred to the asari before. Perhaps because she was using it _at_ her as opposed to referring _to_ her. "I used to work at an academic institution. You'll have to forgive me if I fall into the habit."

"Really?" the asari glanced at her curiously. "How long?" The _where_ died on her lips.

"A couple of years," Rinn replied. "Just long enough for the habit to stick." _I should probably take her off the subject._ "I probably still would have been there if... well. Life has a way of changing so drastically. One day it's one way," She lifted her right hand slightly, palm up. "And then the next." She turned her palm down. "And then on other days," she raised her hand to Liara so that the asari could see the missing digits. "Things just fall to pieces."

_Like you would know,_ Rinn thought. That was exactly what had happened to Liara on Therum after all. One moment digging around for new discoveries, the other dodging geth and getting stuck in a bubble. Then the death of her mother. And then Katelyn. She felt her gaze soften as her eyes met the asari's. _You've endured so much pain too._

Somehow, despite her not speaking her thoughts, Liara seemed to know in what direction her mind had gone. The information broker seemed to search for something in Rinn, then gave a small nod, turned away and activated the elevator.

They did not have to wait long and Rinn swallowed nervously as they walked in. _The floor seemed solid enough, _she thought despite knowing she was humouring her paranoia. Still she allowed her senses to reach out beyond the confined of the elevator – listening for any scratching, any moan. She ignored the asari's scrutiny while she kept her unseeing gaze fixed on the floor, absorbing as much as she could with her ears. But all she heard was the elevator's low thrum as it took them down even deeper into the earth. All she heard was that and her and Liara's breathing. Her own sounded a little strained and she focused on returning it to at least a deceptive state of calm.

Soon it was over and the door hissed open.

"You ready?" Liara asked gently.

Rinn took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly before she nodded.

"Alright," the asari said and risked touching Rinn's back briefly in steady encouragement. "Let's go."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 07**

**And her own health aside, there was Rinn to consider. **Helena hadn't really asked the Normandy crew about what had happened to her friend during their separation, but she did need to know and understand.. Miranda had kept her up to date with clinical reports, but it wasn't enough. There were a few questions she wanted to ask personally.

And, despite how much it hurt to be near Miranda, Helena wasn't ready to depart from her company yet. So, she followed Miranda to the XO's office and listened with only half her attention as the Cerberus officer mechanically updated her about Rinn's implants that interfered with the reaper signal. Most of it was lost on her, but Helena began to understand that she was going to have to do a lot of reading if she wanted to stay abreast of not only the technology and theory used to save her friend, but also how the world functioned in general.

Sighing softly, rubbing at the tightness in her chest, Helena wondered how to rid herself of these emotions she kept wanting to feel for Miranda.

_It's probably because she helped me,_ Helena thought. _That's why I noticed her. It's simple hero worship._

She snorted to herself and took a sip of the coffee.

"You disagree?"

Helena blinked and realised that she had completely lost track of the conversation. She looked up and found that Miranda was regarding her across the desk, her blue eyes cold. She had been nothing, but professional all morning.

"I… trust your opinion," Helena answered neutrally. "Sorry, I was… thinking about something else."

She sniffed again and dropped her gaze to take another sip. _Should've gotten me a bigger cup__.__T__his conversation's going to last longer than half a pint of coffee. And what the hell am I going to use as a distraction then? _

Miranda raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and somehow Helena just _knew_ that the woman had caught onto the fact that she had not been paying attention. The woman slowly pushed the datapad aside that she had been reading from and gave Helena a critical look.

"I didn't ask you in the infirmary," she began slowly. "But, how have you been sleeping? You look tired."

_Liara's told them about the nightmares._

Helena opened her mouth to tell her that it was none of her business, but the door opened before her temper could make a fool of her. She turned around to see Dr Chakwas come in, the older doctor smiling as she came through the door.

"Sorry, Officer Lawson," the gray haired woman said with a smile. "But I just thought I'd say hello to Helena."

Miranda's smile was very neutral as she motioned to the ginger, which made Helena get to her feet quickly.

"Dr Chakwas," she said quickly. "It's… good to see you." The doctor at least looked a little better than the last time Helena saw her. She held out her hand, but the doctor ignored it, stepped up to her and embraced her. Helena stood very still for a moment and then took a steadying breath, relaxing her body. Karin Chakwas stepped away before she could return the gesture, but her gaze held nothing but warmth despite the fact that her hug was not returned.

"And you," Karin said. "I didn't realise you would be here this early."

Smiling at her with the same neutrality Miranda had, Helena shrugged. "I have to get back to the office," she said and glanced at the Cerberus officer. "Miranda was just…" She trailed off, unable to remember what the last thing was that they had been discussing before Miranda asked her if she had been sleeping. The woman fidgeted behind her desk and motioned to the doctor to take the other seat.

"Helena had just agreed to the importance of having the software I developed to monitor Rinn," she pointed out to which Helena could simply stare at her.

_I had?!_

She wanted to protest, but stopped when she saw a dark look cross Chakwas's features. It made her pause and wonder what the doctor's interaction with Rinn had been like.

"I was also saying," Miranda continued, "that all the tests we've run so far indicate that the programme won't hinder the implant's functions. I'll follow up in a month or two nontheless to see whether our calculations were correct. It's vital to ensure…" She paused at Helena's expression.

"Our?" The ginger queried sharply. "Did you take this to Cerberus?"

Miranda's eyes narrowed immediately, but it was Chakwas who replied quickly. "No, Helena," the older doctor said. "There was a unanimous agreement that we would not involve the organisation. We've been very careful with information; everybody understands that this is a personal matter. Katelyn won't allow it to go further. It was Miranda, Mordin and EDI who did most of the work and calculation. EDI because she has an understanding of reaper technology."

Not sure what to say, Helena frowned at them and retook her seat. "Because she was based on it," she murmured, more to herself than to the rest of the room. The look the women gave her made her realise that it wasn't supposed to be common knowledge, but she didn't _care_. EDI had always been a bit of a conundrum to her. All throughout Mass Effect 3 she had expected the AI to betray the Normandy as the proximity of the reapers grew, yet she hadn't.

_That would've been a better twist that the bloody starchild._

_Save us, it's a good thing I'm not the author of this._

"You were telling me about this program," Helena decided to bring the topic back on track, half expecting Chakwas to join them in the chair Miranda indicated, but the doctor reached out and touched Helena's head.

"We'll talk later," she said. "I'll go with you into Nos Astra."

She left, giving Helena the impression that it was because she didn't want to be here to discuss Rinn. _Informed already, or avoiding the issue?_

She turned back to Miranda, realising that the woman had been studying her the whole time. When their gazes met, Helena felt the echo of the pain she felt in the woman's company return. She looked away, afraid that Miranda might see it and rubbed at her chest.

"I'm not going to be Rinn's guard," she pointed out. "I'm not going to look over her shoulder every day. I have to treat her like a human being. I have to treat her as if she deserves to live a normal life, because she _does._" Her eyes narrowed. "What do you think of Liara's proposal?"

Miranda didn't answer her, but instead turned the question around.

"What do _you_ think of her proposal?"

Helena didn't know where to begin. In her sleeplessness of the night before, she had run the topic in her mind and had come up with a frustrating lack of answers or solutions.

"I'm hoping the turian won't take her," she said simply and sighed. "No, I guess that's not right." She looked away from Miranda to the window. She expected to see stars, but immediately admonished herself. _The stupid ship's docked._

"I want her to be happy, Miranda. I want her to be safe. I don't want her to be…" She sighed and made a motion with her hand. "A tool. And it's so easy to wield her as such, you know? She's so… willing. And I can see that she still feels so guilty over what happened." The pain she felt now had nothing to do with the woman in the room. "I want her to have a life free of that."

Miranda was watching her without commenting, her features softer.

"And what do you want?" She queried softly. "Regardless of what you want for her, what do you want for yourself?"

Helena's mouth opened before she could stop herself.

"I don't want to be here," she stated immediately and regretted it because Miranda could easily misunderstand it. "I mean, I don't mind being in Nos Astra, but… I don't…" _The future._ She closed her eyes. "I'm worried I'm not strong enough to be here. In this position with Rinn and Liara."

Miranda didn't comment immediately, but sat very still, regarding her carefully. She opened her mouth to comment, then stopped herself. After a few seconds however she changed her mind again.

"You're an unstoppable force, Helena," she said and her words were kind. Warm and painful. "I've met very few people like you."

Her words shook Helena to her core and she could feel her features paling. _I never met anybody like you, Miranda,_ Shepard had said as the agent lay in her arms dying.

_Please don't let that happen here._

Miranda seemed to think that she had upset her because she drew back and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I ahm… Can I have your omnitool?"

Helena sniffed, bit her lip and slowly relinquished the object. It might've been an accident, but when Miranda reached out to take it, her fingers brushed over the back of Helena's hand.

* * *

"**Commander Shepard."**

The face looking back at her through the vid screen wasn't one Katelyn had seen very often until recently. Her return from the Omega 4 relay, dealing with the Council rabble and really stepping into the spotlight once again seemed to have forced the Alliance to _finally_ acknowledge her existence, if not admit that she was one of their own. It was foolish and unnecessary. It was politics and Shepard loathed it.

"Admiral Hackett," Katelyn nodded her head at the screen.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, Shepard. I'll be brief."

"Not at all, sir. How can I help?"

_There is always something they ask of me, always what they want. They only ever contact me if they need something._

"Am I right to say that your mission has now been officially completed?"

His words reminded her of her conversation with the Illusive Man.

"_The collector base was destroyed, but that doesn't mean all the collectors went down with it. At this stage, it is unknown what their new objectives could be. However, they are still servants to the reapers, Shepard. And that means they pose a threat we cannot ignore. There is also no telling what players the reapers will move onto the board now. They have been planning this for millennia."_

"I don't think fighting the reapers can ever truly be considered completed, sir." Katelyn's answer was neutral.

"Agreed," Hackett replied. "Still, with the destruction of the collector's base, it does free up some of your time, I take it?"

"It does some," Katelyn admitted with a nod. Both the Council and the Alliance had interpreted the threat neutralised to mean that the base had been destroyed. The commander had not seen the need to correct them. "I will still maintain vigil on any possible collector sightings. I don't believe the reapers would just be done with them. But with my reinstatement as Spectre, I am now at least at the Council's disposal."

_And they'd like to dispose of me I'm sure._

Hackett seemed to pick up on the bitterness. "Not everyone on the Council wants you gone. You have a friend on the Council and you have friends in the Alliance as well. You have to understand, Shepard, your cooperation with Cerberus doesn't bring a lot of assurance."

_Well, if the Alliance had bothered to give a shit about the galaxy, Cerberus wouldn't have even needed to wake me up again, would they?_

"Cerberus was, and still is, the only one that's taking the reapers seriously, Admiral," she said instead. "I'm taking whatever help I can get. I can't wait for others to decide whether the fate of the galaxy is worth their time. Cerberus might be pro-human first and foremost, but at least they've realised that saving one means saving everyone."

"Maybe, but I won't lie that the Alliance would find it preferable if the first human spectre didn't have as strong a tie to Cerberus as you have."

_Which is why the Alliance sent Ashley to what? Confirm rumours that I am alive? Confirm that Cerberus was behind the abductions? What would her directive have been had she not surmised that the collectors were behind it all? Shoot on sight?_

"Then perhaps the Alliance needs to step up, sir." Shepard couldn't help but let some of her frustration slip out as anger.

"I'm working on that, Shepard," Hackett replied with a surprising amount of patience. "As it stands, the Alliance is willing to re-establish its relationship with you."

_Surprising._

"But I'm going to need some give from you."

_Not surprising._

Shepard waited him out.

"Alliance brass wants you to come in for tests."

Katelyn's stomach turned, but she was careful not to show it.

"They want to make a lab rat of me? How comforting."

Hackett shook his head, meeting her gaze. "It's only as a means of confirming that you're in fact the Commander Shepard they presented to the Council as a spectre candidate. That you're not under any direct influence and are acting out of your own volition."

"In siding with Cerberus?"

"In making decisions that resulted in captured colonists saved from certain death."

_Not all of them. _Katelyn had to take a moment and looked away from the screen to Kelly's fish tank.

"I have a lot more cybernetics built into me than before, Admiral," She said when she was sure that her voice won't betray her own insecurities about the technology. _I need them to keep me alive. _"But it was specifically decided that my mind had to be left intact. If Cerberus wanted a puppet, it would've cost them a whole lot less to make one than it did bringing me back."

Hackett studied her for a moment and she couldn't decide whether it was pity or sympathy that she saw in his eyes. "I'm inclined to believe you, Shepard," he said kindly. "The Alliance however wants to confirm that that is in fact the case."

Katelyn gave him a very long look.

"And after they've poked and prodded at me, they'll finally be supportive?"

Hackett gave an almost imperceptible pause. "One step at a time, Shepard."

"Of course," Katelyn replied. She scratched the back of her head as she thought. She needed the help. The only enemy she really needed were the reapers. And being accepted by the Alliance would help. She sighed. "Alright, but there are going to be terms. I'm not just going to hand myself over without some iron clad agreements."

"Which will be given, if they're sensible."

_I'll be the judge of that._

"If my safety and the security and privacy of my crew and of my ship can't be guaranteed, Admiral, there is no way that I'll entrust anything to the Alliance." She pointed out, thinking about Miranda and what _her_ response would be. "Give me time to compile some terms, but I can tell you as it stands that there will be two items that will most definitely be on there. The first is that at least one of my own specialists will be present and in a position to make calls about what tests are taken."

"I'll see what I can do. And the second?"

"I want Ashley Williams as part of that operation as well."

* * *

**Sitting in the commissary, Chakwas took the time to quickly finish her letter while waiting for Helena and Miranda to finish. **She amused herself by thinking that there was no telling _how_ long it might take them depending on what they decided to end up doing.

_Might be good for the both of them._

She chuckled to herself and focused her attention back on her writing pad. She had found a writing soul mate in Robert, having always loved letter writing. It was often the way she still kept contact with her old patients, with the soldiers whose lives passed through her hands. When she was still in the Alliance a week rarely went by that she didn't receive some form of thanks from a grateful patient. In a way, it was her reward and she looked forward to every letter, every update on a child's birthday attended that would not have been possible without her, of marriage proposals and even heartache.

It made her feel as if she was making a difference which was ultimately perhaps why most people went into the medical profession. She knew that Robert had had a calling and his passion to treating his patients were unmet.

_Dearest Doctor Murdoch, _her letter read.

_So you have resorted to using my title have you? _

_My, but I have failed in my communications then. The Normandy and its doctor are well and nearly space worthy again. My arm is healing at a vexingly slow pace, one I am not content with. If this is old age, I most certainly don't want to see the sequel. _

_That is the curse of our profession sadly__,__ Robert. We heal to the extent that we can and then __have to __leave __it __to the maker or authorities to do the rest. I have recently looked __in__to these 'displacement organisations' and I have to say I was impressed with a lot of the programs that were offered. Some of course was one step short of slavery__,__ but I trust that the Alliance will follow up. I will see which strings are still available to me and yank on a few to see that it is done. _

_We are currently in Illium, seeing to the rehabilitation of two of the survivors from the attack. With them I am content at least that they will be sufficiently taken care of. _

_I must confess that it was good to hear from you. I am not used to keeping up frequent communication anymore, especially in the past few months, so forgive me if I slip up occasionally. As to how I am, I am coping. That is what I have been trained to do. My nights__,__ however__,__ are longer and I fear for my crew that they suffer the same fate. I can hear those turning above me and know that they are reliving the horror of those pods. The words that come to me most frequently is: Physician heal thyself. I have to, if I am to take care of my crew. _

_I hope this finds you well__,__ Robert. _

_Your friend, always,_

_Karin_

Satisfied, Karin finished just in time to see Miranda let Helena out. Settling back a bit, she studied the two as they paused and shuffled in the doorway. The Cerberus officer spoke in quiet, hesitant words which made Helena's face go stoic. But, then she dropped her gaze and shrugged, murmuring soft words of her own. As Karin watched, she carefully extended her right hand, using the little movement that she had to hold it out for Miranda. She wasn't looking at the woman, focussing on her hand, and therefore missed Miranda's smile. It was fleeting, but genuine and it made Karin smile herself.

_So stubborn, the both of them._

She saw Miranda's acceptance of the gesture as a sign to approach them and rested a light hand on Helena's shoulder when she joined her. The younger woman shivered under her touch, her shoulders twitching upwards as if she wanted to shake off the intrusive hand, but she controlled herself and settled back a bit.

"Are you ready?" Karin asked the ginger, but made eye contact with Miranda to confirm.

Helena hesitated, also looking at Miranda before she nodded and shrugged into her shoulder bag.

"I am," she said, her tone softer than it had been in the office. "I'll… see you around then, Officer Lawson. Let me know when…" Her hand came up and dropped. "You know."

_Oh?_

"I will," Miranda said carefully. "Thank you, Helena."

Karin had to hide a smile and carefully pulled Helena way from the door before the awkwardness between the two ate a black hole in Nos Astra's atmosphere. Helena followed her and, when Chakwas turned her away from Miranda, the doctor risked a wink in the Cerberus officer's direction. The XO gave the appropriate measure of sharpness in return and turned around to go back into her room.

Karin took the moment to slip her hand down the Helena's arm, slipping her fingers into the crook of her elbow and guiding her away from the door. Helena allowed herself to be pulled away, but subtly broke contact. She had placed her injured arm back into her coat pocket and seemed intent to keep it there.

"How have you and Liara been keeping, Helena?" Karin asked amiably. "Have you settled in alright?"

The woman took a few seconds to answer, shrugging lightly. "It's early days, Dr Chakwas," she said, but risked a brief smile. "But it's alright. I feel as if my mind is going to explode with everything that I need to take in, but it's stimulating at least." She hesitated. "Liara told me you were the one who reached out to her first. Thank you."

It was heartfelt and it made Karin smile. Helena had settled a bit in the time that she had met her. There was no doubt that the woman's temper still lurked beneath the surface of her eyes. But she seemed to have learned not to throw it around any chance that she got.

_Recovering,_ Chakwas thought and looked at the hat that covered Helena's near bald head. _She'll recover._

Helena stopped in the hallway and stared at the port observation room. Chakwas studied her and then looked to the room as well, wondering if she knew that was where Rinn had slept.

"Did Rinn remember everything?" she ventured the hybrid's name. "I hear you two have an apartment now."

Helena blinked at her and frowned. "I… yes," she said and turned back to the room, motioning to it as she spoke. "She stayed in there, right? It was… equipped?"

Chakwas nodded slowly, not sure where the question led. "We had it prepared if the event that another specialist were to join," she pointed out. "Kelly sometimes used it to talk to some of the crew members. Why do you ask?"

Helena didn't reply, but stared at her for a few moments then turned her attention to the elevator just as it opened.

Katelyn stepped through, her gaze dark and troubled. She didn't notice them immediately, taking two steps before she stopped and looked up. She noticed Karin first, then trailed her gaze to Helena. The other ginger tensed slightly as they looked at each other. Then, Katelyn smiled first though she was clearly distracted.

"Helena," she said. "Karin." Her gaze became more troubled. "Doctor, I would like to speak to you if you have a moment."

Karin had planned to go into Nos Astra with Helena, but immediately changed her mind at the intensity of Kate's tone.

"Of course, Commander," she said. "I'm escorting Helena out."

Katelyn glanced at the ex-refugee again. "I trust everything is in order?" She queried lightly and Karin left it to Helena to answer. The ginger glanced first at the doctor, then nodded slightly.

"It is, Commander," she said softly. "Thank you."

Kate's gaze was inexplicably sad suddenly. "Take care then," she said and turned back to Chakwas. "I'll be with Miranda."

_Something serious?_

She inclined her head as Katelyn left and studied her back for a moment. Helena seemed to do the same then moved abruptly and took a very determined step towards the elevator. After a few seconds, Karin did the same. They didn't discuss Katelyn and Karin thought that they would travel all the way in silence until Helena spoke up abruptly.

"Rinn got injured in an elevator."

Karin, who hadn't been thinking about the hybrid at all, turned to her surprised. Helena stood very still as she stared at the door, her visible hand clutching the strap of her shoulder bag. "We were trapped. The base was set to lock down and..." She trailed off when Chakwas shifted. The elevator had come to a stop, but EDI seemed to hold the door closed on purpose.

_Do I want to hear this?_ Karin thought, surprised by Helena's sudden change of heart. Of the two of them, she had _never_ spoken about the mine. Rinn did at first, in private when she thought her friend wasn't listening.

_It must be important._

"And?" she prompted and braced herself.

Helena looked at the door, then sighed, her shoulders moving as she shrugged. "And we were trapped," she said again, but her voice was colder though she seemed determined to finish her line of thought. "With a mercenary who had, in the hour everything went to hell, abused us and threatened us." Her voice held a hint of anger and disgust. "The elevator got stuck and we had to get out via the roof. They sent me up first, then I pulled Rinn up and then we had to pull up Ramsey... but we couldn't." Helena's features had gone painfully blank, but Chakwas could see the way her hand had been pulled into a fist in her pocket. "I thought to leave her. I knew we wouldn't be able to get her up – she was too heavy with her armour. It felt like a simple mathematical equation. But Rinn... jumped back down to try and help her up. That was when the husks got to her." She trailed off and was quiet for several moments.

Chakwas felt cold as she stared at her, the horror of what had happened to them filling the elevator like the soft moans of approaching husks. Like the gas that filled the pods on the collector's base. And fading screams of the dying as they were liquidised to create a human reaper. Helena had been there as well, trapped.

The memories seemed to kindle the ginger's old anger, because her eyes narrowed and her tone was sharper when she spoke again.

"It wasn't about the math to Rinn," her tone bordered on disgust, as if she begrudged her friend her decision. "She tried to save her simply because she wasn't a monster." _Not disgust at Rinn, no… Disgust at herself. For being able to make that equation, to take that math into consideration._ "Just like she's not a monster now. I thought you should know that. After everything." Their gazes met and it was like a challenge. As if Helena _dared_ her to say otherwise and remind her of what had happened in the infirmary.

_Did she read my mind at Miranda's? Does she know how little I want to do with the hybrid issue?_

She started to reach out take Helena's hand, but the woman's body cringed away from hers even though her eyes never wavered.

"I know, Helena," Chakwas said finally. "I know she's not."

Her words made Helena look trapped and the woman squirmed and turned her sharp gaze to the door.

"EDI," she said simply. "Please, open the door." The AI complied immediately and Helena stepped out, breathing loudly when she was in the CIC as if she had not done so ever since they entered the elevator. Chakwas didn't follow immediately, but found herself leaning against the wall, her vision dimming as her memory brightened.

"_EDI, open the door!" _Helena shouted in silence of her mind. _"EDI, you have to open the door!"_


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: And we have returned and need to apologise for our lack of posting. Not only was NaNoWriMo in November, but we have each gone through a particularly hard month. Because of it, we are not quite on track with where we should've been by now so posting may continue to be infrequent. We apologise for any inconvenience caused._

**Chapter 08**

**Every exercise brought on the same remarkable transformation from awkward, insecure human to a being so powerful and comfortable that one would not have thought they could live in ****the same**** body.** After having met Helena first, Liara had been a little dismayed at Rinn. She had imagined someone confident, matching in character to the ginger. Such a drastic difference between the two was unexpected. But here, now, while watching Rinn go through each activity so effortlessly, Liara found herself finding more of person she had imagined.

Rinn seemed to think they were going easy on her. Each action would be performed calmly, if at first slightly nervously, until the hybrid discovered she could manage. Then she would look at the asari instructor Jachett had assigned to the assessment and, from her expression, Liara guessed she was waiting for the difficulty to be increased. It didn't seem to occur to the human that she was already exceeding the expectations of those around her. All perhaps except Jachett.

The turian stood quietly beside her, arms folded as he observed the test. He had not been interested initially when Liara approached him with her request. His staff had always been remarkably devoid of humans. She suspected that it was her explanation of Rinn's _genetic enhancement_ that had made Jachett reconsider. That and who the asari was.

"What do you think?" she asked him finally, keeping her eyes on the activity below.

Jachett shifted his weight. "She's very raw," he observed. "And passive." He nodded towards the woman who was busy blocking punches. "She hasn't taken a single opportunity to fight back even when Yulia has given her the opening."

"She does have potential," Liara countered softly and Jachett gave a begrudging harrumph.

"Perhaps," he allowed, rubbing his chin. "Training her for _your_ purposes should not be too difficult. At least it'll free up some of my other resources." He paused as he watched Yulia throw an unexpected shock wave at the human. It hit Rinn full and Liara gasped as the human flew backward, knocking down some exercise equipment behind her. The Liara resisted running forward as she watched the hybrid get up a little awkwardly, look at the mess around her and carefully proceeded to stack the equipment back together, if not completely in place. The woman did seem a little sore, perhaps, but not nearly what one would have expected.

"You totally caught me off guard with that one," Liara heard Rinn say to the instructor kindly as she returned to the training mat. "Sorry about the uh..." she motioned awkwardly at the equipment.

Jachett scoffed beside the asari. "Really?" he grumbled softly to Liara. "She has to be a botched experiment. Imagine all the money that was poured out of the airlock just because they chose someone who doesn't have a spine."

The dark-haired woman was ready for the second shock wave, leaping clear of it, she quickly charged forward, grabbing Yulia's hands as they flared in biotics. The asari tripped Rinn up, but the human shifted as she fell, taking the instructor with her to the training mat. They landed in a tangled heap on the floor with Rinn keeping the asari's hands in a vice. Liara couldn't be sure, but it looked as if the woman had an amused grin on her face as they landed on the mat.

Liara gave Jachett a questioning look while Rinn, still careful not to release Yulia's hands immediately, helped the asari back up and stepped away quickly when she finally did let go. The instructor stepped away as well and gave the young woman a nod, indicating the conclusion of the exercise. Rinn in turn touched her hands to her sides and gave a small, calculated bow.

The turian grimaced then shrugged. "I might find something else for her to do as well. She might be useful somewhere." Jachett tilted his head, considering Rinn for a final time. "It would be interesting to test and see what her physical limits are."

"So we have a deal?"

"Alright, T'Soni," the turian growled as he turned, his dark eyes fixed on her. "I'll tell Margrave to start with the paperwork."

* * *

_**Thinking,**_** Miranda thought as she turned back to the door to watch ****Helena**** leave. **_Thinking too much._

_But wouldn't you have done the same?_

Miranda grimaced and briefly put her hands in her hips before she rubbed her brow. She took one step towards the elevator and then shook her head, returning to her room. The cups that they had drunk from caught her attention and she moved over to her table to pick them up. She could tell that Helena was troubled, her scans had shown that the woman had not had enough rest the night before and possibly for longer. Miranda had considered bringing it up, but ended up hoping that the doctor would. She had given up her right to consult Helena on her health the day she consented to send her to Nos Astra to be treated.

_And why did we do that again?_ She thought. _Because Katelyn didn't want her around? _She shivered suddenly, thinking about the two women's tense relationship as she picked up the cups.

_Is it something that can be repaired?_ Miranda believed that if Helena could learn to trust Shepard, then she might be willing to convey more information about the future. But, it was a difficult situation because none of them really understood why the ex-refugee was so antagonistic.

_Does she know something that we don't? Does she really have reason to fear us?_

Miranda shivered again and felt _something_ between her shoulders. Instincts took over for a minute and she thought to reach to her biotics, but then reason took over and she calmed herself.

_This is the Normandy, nobody would dare attack us here._

Katelyn was standing in the doorway, looking both sheepish and tense at the same time.

"Commander," the words came to Miranda's lips and she collected herself.

Katelyn looked at the cups in the XO's hands before she took a single step into the room, her gaze troubled.

"Miranda," she said carefully. She made a point of only using her name these days, a reminder that the commander would've preferred it if Miranda did the same. "I'm sorry, I hope I didn't startle you."

Miranda schooled her features to calm and carefully put the cups down. "Of course not," she said calmly, though she hardly felt as such. "What can I do for you, Commander?"

Katelyn didn't reply immediately, but glanced behind her. "Karin will join us shortly," she said, perhaps as a way to warn her that her office might have other unexpected visitors. "She's just taking Helena to the airlock. I see she found her way here."

Miranda didn't know whether to frown or smile. "I don't think we gave her much of a choice," she said. "And it seems that she… listens to Liara. I get the sense that they are getting on."

She didn't like the way Katelyn looked at her, as if the commander saw something in her eyes that amused her. "I get that impression as well," the woman said simply and then took a steadying breath, taking one of the seats that Miranda had motioned to.

"Something's come up. Something… that might require some thought."

_Doesn't all things in life?_ Miranda frowned at the expression on Kate's features and immediately joined her on the chair opposite. "What is it, Katelyn?" She picked up on Shepard's nerves now, on the way her hand snaked to her head to rub through her hair.

"I received a call from Admiral Steven Hackett of the Alliance," she said, as if the name needed clarification. "The Alliance requests that I submit myself for testing so as to confirm…" She trailed off and struggled for a moment. "Well, my identity. They want to know if I am authentic."

_Authentic?_

Miranda could not stop herself from frowning. "Authentic?" she queried in disgust. "Does this come from the Council as well?"

Katelyn shrugged, unsure. "Hackett was speaking on behalf of the Alliance," she said. "But I wouldn't be surprised if it comes from the Council as well. Or that they might have some sort of agreement on exchange of information."

Miranda had expected the answer and didn't like it at all. She shook her head and folded her fingers together. "They hardly have a leg to stand on," she pointed out. "The Council reinstated you. If the Alliance now finds you false, they discredit the word of the Council. They should just let it be."

Katelyn shrugged and gave her a patient look. "Miranda, if it were you, you'd be asking the same questions and would want to be sure yourself."

Miranda stopped herself in the second before she narrowed her eyes, realising that Katelyn had done nothing wrong to attract her scorn. She took a steadying breath, but shook her head none the less. "I doubt that," she said and meant it. "I'd be looking at the bigger picture. At the bigger threat. I'd be focused on stopping the reapers and not sorting out petty politics. Fools worry about the shape that help takes. Fools turn away those that offer when nobody else does."

Helena's words suddenly came to mind.

"_Allegiances are everything Officer Lawson. You'd be surprised what lines people draw when there are fires all around. I don't even think that the batarians and humans would drop their feud when hell breaks loose."_

_Did she see this coming?_

Katelyn had shifted at her words and was considering her as if deciding whether or not Miranda had been honest with herself. She seemed to sigh and shrugged.

"My feeling is that the Council isn't behind it," she said. "But, it might help Anderson to have them stop using that unknown variable as an excuse."

_Anderson. The man who didn't even trust Shepard enough to tell her where Ashley Williams was._ Miranda stopped herself from shaking her head and made a dismissive gesture with her hand.

"Well," she said a bit tartly. "We'll submit DNA and fingerprint samples if it so pleases them."

She didn't like the fact that Katelyn's features were patient. "Bailey already got my fingerprints when I walked through the C-Sec scanner and he bragged about being able to extract DNA from dust so I don't think that's what they are after," the commander pointed out. "What tests would one run to mark the difference between an original and a clone?"

There were several, but Miranda wasn't going to go into details, because it was hardly relevant.

"Well for one," she pointed out. "If you were a clone, your body would hardly have needed cybernetics." _But there were clones… I had been desperate for success…_

She felt as if she didn't deserve the kindness with which Katelyn looked at her. "I don't think they doubt the ability of your work, Miranda." She said quietly. "They just don't understand it. What you did, it's… impossible. Should've been impossible… I don't know if I would've felt any different from them were I in their shoes."

Miranda didn't know how to comment on that. She looked away, reminding herself that Katelyn had spent most of her life after Mindoir in the Alliance. At 31, it meant technically she could _remember_ almost more years serving in the military than her civilian life. _I forget sometimes. She was conditioned not to think outside of the box. But she did, which is why she's here._

"My point is, Katelyn," Miranda said and tried to sound more patient. She really _tried_ to bring her message across without sounding as if she was simply being stubborn. "What do they hope to achieve by this? What do they hope to _measure?_ You can hardly put personality on a plate and take its weight." _Fail, Miranda. Sarcasm does not join hands with patience._

Katelyn either didn't hear it, or ignored her tone. "They want to know whether I'm not a Cerberus puppet," she said, musing over her words. "They want to know whether they can trust me enough to make use of me." She looked tired suddenly. "And if I'm honest with myself, I think a part of them hopes that I'll fail."

_They can make you fail._

"Because…" Katelyn continued, oblivious to the darkness of Miranda's thoughts. "What do you make of someone who has come back from the dead?" Her green gaze met Miranda's and somehow, her scars seemed to stand out more prominently in the light. "I died of asphyxiation. The last images I remember is dropping into a planet's atmosphere." She shook her head. "I wouldn't have survived that even if my suit wasn't compromised. God knows in how many pieces you found me." She shuddered suddenly, briefly rubbing her elbow, and pulled her thoughts away from the memory, but it had left a chill in the room that Miranda couldn't dispel with logic.

_If she had been dead, I would not have been able to bring her back alive. She was in there. Waiting for me._

"It doesn't really matter what they are trying to accomplish," Katelyn said eventually. "And it's not exactly an olive branch, but this request is definitively a step forward. We can't fight the reapers all on our own. We need the Council races, starting with our own."

_We might have to stand by ourselves, if more people don't start stepping up._

Miranda sighed and realised that she would still have to play devil's advocate. "It could be a step backwards," she pointed out. "What if according to their tests they find you false and choose to _dispose_ of you? What if they taint your name by their supposed findings? They can't be trusted, Katelyn. Especially not if someone like Udina is behind this." Which Miranda was sure he was.

Katelyn nodded, agreeing with her to her surprise. "No, they can't," she said. "Which is why we need to set down clear terms." There was a deep desperation in her eyes as she regarded Miranda… no, _pleaded_ with her to understand. "They can't discredit me more than they have, Miranda," Katelyn added quietly.

The plea was painful to see and Miranda had to look away to gather herself, to find the cold logic in the mess of emotions that she suddenly felt.

_Why do I feel as if I ruined your life by giving you one?_

"To date they've only shot out on theories and speculation," her voice was softer than she intended it to be. "You give them ammunition for a witch hunt and they will shoot you with it."

Katelyn simply looked at her. "And if I refuse?" She queried. "Do you think that wouldn't create even more suspicion?"

"Suspicion of what?"

Both Miranda and Katelyn turned around to realise that Chakwas was standing behind them. There was no telling how she had been listening. Katelyn's gaze was almost desperate when she turned to the doctor, as if she saw an ally in Karin that she could not find in the XO. Grimacing, Miranda got up and motioned Chakwas to her chair.

"On whether I'm really me," Katelyn said. "The Alliance is asking to run tests. They want to _verify_ whether I am truly what Cerberus says I am."

_And do you doubt me?_ Miranda thought as she brought a chair closer for herself. _What would their tests do to your confidence in me?_

Karin was silent as she took Miranda's seat. "The Alliance?" She queried. "Or Udina?"

_Thank you._

Katelyn glanced at Miranda and shook her head. "Hackett brought the request," she pointed out again. _One always sends a friendly face to deliver bad news or lay a trap. We brought Chakwas to the Normandy, didn't we? And Joker. _"I don't think Udina would've been able to sneak this behind Anderson's back."

Miranda settled to the side where she could easily watch the two of them. Karin had sighed, but she didn't look surprised.

"It's not unexpected," the older woman said. "They had been making motions in my direction, sending 'requests' for an audience." She made air quotes which made Miranda think that the requests were less than friendly. Yet, the news surprised her and she looked to Karin sharply as even Katelyn raised an eyebrow. _Well, at least she didn't know either._

"Why didn't you mention this before?" she demanded.

The doctor looked at Miranda with eyes that reminded her of the woman who had stood in front of her and told her that she would not be a tool with which to manipulate Shepard if she came on board the Normandy. She hated to admit it to herself, but she had loved Karin Chakwas's guts.

"I hardly felt it necessary," Karin made it sound as if it had been so easy to dismiss her superiors. "Finding the Collectors was more important and it was just before we took in Helena and Rinn. Things went… faster after their arrival." She shrugged. "My impression was that they were trying to gather information on your activities, possibly get a medical exam or two out of me." She turned to Miranda. "Don't frown like that, they could hardly look to you for answers."

Miranda open and shut her mouth to protest, then shook her head in disbelief. She looked at Katelyn who was studying her old friend intently.

"What's your take on this, Karin?" the commander asked simply, studying her friend's reaction.

Karin met her gaze then turned to Miranda. "You might not like to hear this, Miranda," she said in a tone that made the XO sit up immediately. "But I think it's an inevitability we have to face. I don't think we should deny them the chance to 'prove' your regeneration, Commander," Chakwas shook her head at the ginger. "But I also agree with Miranda that we cannot give them an opportunity to turn this into a 'witch hunt'. If they want to test you, they have to give us clear parameters so that everybody knows what to look for right from the start."

Katelyn looked relieved while Miranda felt as if she had just lost a war. She had to stop herself from shaking her head and looked away, studying Nos Astra's skyline.

_Will __Helena__ make it to her destination safely? _

The thought came up unbidden and she pushed it away almost violently.

_That's none of my business. This is._

"That's what I need your help with," Katelyn said then turned away from Karin to Miranda. "Both of you. I want to make sure that we cover all the bases. I want to know what I'm getting myself into." _You can't know,_ Miranda thought. _You have no idea what they are planning. Shepard, I am one of these people. I can think like they do!_ She could not make herself look at either of them and turned back to the window. Shepard seemed to pause a little as if she waited for Miranda to intervene, but when she didn't, the commander continued.

"Karin, I'm going to insist that they bring you in on this," she said, but Miranda could feel her glance in her direction again. "That's one of my conditions." _One? And the others?_ "I hope it's alright with you, do you have any objections?"

Karin chuckled softly and shifted in her chair, but Miranda could feel her glance in her direction as well. "Of course not," she said. "I've been meaning to stomp on brass toes for years. And I know how much of a baby you can be when it comes to examinations."

There was the faintest of sounds of protest from Shepard, but she quickly choked it and turned to Miranda questioningly. Miranda didn't respond, didn't know how to.

She was feeling too many _emotions._

"Alright," Katelyn said softly. "Let's be about it." She made to stand, but stopped when Miranda sighed deeply and turned back to the two alliance officers. "I'll put together what I can for their consideration," she said. "But they have to understand that I cannot disclose all." _Kate might find out about the clones._ She turned to the commander and felt the emotions inside her chest turn. "Commander…" She paused and shook her head. "Katelyn, I'm not letting you go unless I know I'm getting you back."

Again the kindness in Katelyn's eyes that she didn't deserve. The commander made to move closer to her, then stopped, taking control of her instinctive need to _touch_ everything.

"I'm not going without you having that certainty," she said softly. "I'll make sure of that, Miranda." She smiled then, as if Miranda deserved all the faith that she had in the world. "And I know that you'll do so as well."

* * *

**Once someone, whom ****Helena**** had loved very much, had told her that she couldn't expect of people to process things as quickly as she could.**

_Some of us deal with our emotions,_ the person had told her quite bluntly. _We don't just chuck it into a dark cupboard and forget about it. You have to give us space for that and one day you might have to give yourself the same._

Helena thought about those words as she made her way back to Liara's office after her training. She had been thinking about it ever since she left the Normandy, her concentration completely broken. By rights she shouldn't even have bothered going to orientation, her time wasted running circles in her own mind, but there was a roll call and she had to make an effort, because there was still a lot that she didn't know.

And she wanted to learn as quickly as possible.

But.

Today, her emotions got in the way. Today, _Rinn_ got in the way.

Helena couldn't stop thinking about her friend and her presence in Nos Astra. A part of her was surprised that Rinn inevitably joined her. Helena would never admit it to herself, but she had been worried that Katelyn's pull would be too strong; that the commander would monopolise her friend. And, it was happening in a way. Helena understood that if Rinn didn't want to remain in Nos Astra, Katelyn was going to pull _both_ of them simply because the commander knew that Rinn wouldn't adjust anywhere else without her friend.

That thought made her angry though she would never admit it to Rinn. It linked in too well with the idea that she was a _slave_ here with fewer rights than those indentured servants that she ran her course with. And, what made her angrier was that Rinn hadn't really been given a good reason to stay. The more she thought about it, the less she liked the idea of Rinn working as a 'bodyguard'. In her opinion, it was too close to mercenary and murderer.

_I'd have done better with something like that,_ she thought as she took the stairs to Liara's office. _I can shoot at least…_

Memories of the mine came and went, making Helena take a moment to simply breathe. _Give yourself the space to process… _

Forcing herself to forget, Helena took the steps two at a time, glancing at the time. She hoped that she would still find Liara at the office, knowing that the asari was due for a meeting with Chakwas and Tali. She had something very specific she wanted to talk to the asari about and didn't want to brood on it for too long.

As things were, she was in luck and Liara was still behind her desk, finishing up a call. Helena relaxed when she saw her and went to put away her own things first. She hadn't become terribly philosophical about the position she had in the office, nor about the fact that she probably sat right where Nyxeris died.

_I don't believe in ghosts…_

"Helena?"

She turned to find that Liara was standing in her doorway, smiling at her. "Good afternoon."

Despite the irritation that had been brewing inside her, Helena took a moment to smile at the asari, surprised that she felt glad to see her.

"Hallo, Liara," she said. "Are you well?"

The asari was studying her and Helena couldn't help but wonder what she and Katelyn had discussed in their absence. She knew that the commander wouldn't do so purposefully, but she was terrified that Shepard's opinion would cloud Liara's judgement of her as well. But, she didn't get that vibe as the asari shifted and smiled at her.

"I am," Liara said kindly. "I… have to confess, I missed you last night. The apartment suddenly felt very big."

Helena smiled slightly and shrugged. "It _is_ a big apartment," she pointed out and carefully pushed her glasses back up her nose. "I… missed you too. I got used to you." She looked past Liara into her office and gathered her courage.

"Can I have a moment? I want to talk to you."

The asari looked amused as she glanced at her omnitool for the time. "Of course," she said. "I have a few minutes still till I have to leave. Please?" She turned and motioned past her door to the chairs where she usually received her clients. Helena had seen her perform that same gesture with several clients already and it made her shiver. She moved past Liara none the less and took one of the chairs on the other side of her desk. She expected Liara to move to her usual spot, but the asari closed the door and took a seat beside her. Her gaze was almost concerned as she studied Helena's features.

"Did you have a good day so far?" The asari queried. "Did everything check out on the Normandy?"

_Miranda Lawson once again having her hands all over me and spending several minutes looking at my naked back. Oh yes. _

"Everything's fine," Helena said – perhaps a bit too shortly than she intended. "Officer Lawson didn't find anything." She shrugged. "That's… not what I want to discuss."

Liara looked at her curiously and sat back a little, crossing her legs as she adopted a listening pose. Her gaze was more distant though as she studied Helena's body language.

"What is this about?" the asari queried softly.

Helena studied her and then grimaced, deciding to simply take the bull by the horns.

"Rinn," she said. "She told me about her job prospect last night and I know she went for an interview this morning."

Liara nodded simply, waiting for Helena to continue. The ginger met her gaze and felt a moment's irritation.

"You should've told me what you were planning," she said. "I'd have told you that Rinn wouldn't be interested."

Liara looked confused for a moment. "She didn't say that to me," she said. "I think she's going to give it a chance."

Helena struggled to keep her features calm. "She _shouldn't_ be interested. Dr T'soni, I heard your sale's pitch and I didn't appreciate it one moment. I don't need Rinn to protect me. Not her or… Or anybody else for that matter." The irritation was threatening to turn to anger, but she kept it down.

Liara studied her for a moment, then leaned forward slightly. "So your objection is towards your protection?" She queried. "Or, the job itself?"

"The job itself," Helena replied quickly. "I told her to go to the interview last night, but… But I've been thinking about it all day and I think it's a bad idea. I don't want Rinn to become a mercenary."

The asari blinked immediately, amusement clear in her eyes. "It's not mercenary work, Helena," she said. "It's simply protection detail."

Helena shook her head stubbornly. "Protection will undoubtedly involve shooting," she pointed out. "I don't like it."

Liara's gaze was too patient and for a moment Helena wondered whether she was being humoured. "If there _is_ shooting involved," the information broker pointed out. "It would mean that you are in danger. And at that point, I would imagine that you'd be fairly grateful for her training."

Helena's anger was quick and intense. "It's not her job to protect me," she snapped. "I don't want her protecting me. You cannot make that her responsibility."

Liara met her gaze without unwavering. "You took responsibility for her safety," she pointed out. "What makes this different?"

Hesitating for a moment, Helena sniffed. "Because it's different," she said coldly. "Because she has a lot more to lose than I have. And you manipulated her into it, I didn't appreciate that at all. I don't want her to become a killer, Liara. She's not that strong. She thinks about things too much and she has no rational way to justify her actions. She is not like me."

She felt Liara study her and, unable to help herself, Helena reached into her own mind and tried to imagine what the asari was thinking. She didn't appear angry with Helena for defying her. She didn't even appear to be upset at her tone. She was simply... considering her. _Like I'm doing, fitting the puzzle pieces together. Deciding how she's going to manipulate me and then realising that it might not work._

"I've heard that a lot since the Normandy came," Liara said finally. "That the two of you are not alike. And I appreciate that. I can clearly see it, even though I hardly know Rinn. Nor understand a fraction of what goes on inside your head." Her gaze travelled up to the remnants of Helena's hair. She had removed her hat at her desk and was now regretting not putting it back on. "But I do know that your friend is going to have to do something with herself while she's here. And sometimes, physical exertion is a good way to get the mind to focus on the present. I think she struggles with it a lot more than you do. I don't think putting her behind a desk and letting her think all day would do her well."

Anger stirred again, but this time because Helena knew that Liara was right. Yet it still didn't sit right with her. She shifted and took a steadying breath.

"How did this morning go?" She finally ventured to ask. "I mean, I might be having this conversation with her and then your turian might not even want her." She could tell immediately that it wasn't the case as Liara slowly shook her head.

"She's good, Helena," Liara said simply. "And fast." Her gaze shifted to Helena's shoulder. "I think it will make her feel useful. Make her feel... more needed." Liara met Helena's gaze again.

Sighing, realising that she wasn't necessarily going to win this argument, Helena shook her head. "I'm worried that she doesn't work for you," she said. "You're giving her to someone else. And it's... It's all very well to say that you'll use her. But, he's paying her. And I know how people work... I just don't trust anybody else."

Liara shifted and to Helena's surprise reached out slowly and rested a hand on her knee. "Do you trust me, Helena?" She queried. "Can you?"

_Interesting question._

Studying the asari's gaze, looking into her eyes and trying to see into her mind, Helena finally grimaced, acutely aware of Liara's touch.

_My Shepard loved you beyond words. And if she can trust you... _

Helena sighed again.

"I do," she said finally. "Just... Don't..." She struggled to find the right words and failed. "Don't fuck her up more than she already is, Liara. And make sure that nobody else does. That's all I ask of you. All I beg of you."

Liara's touch disappeared, but her smile was genuine.

"I promised Katelyn I'll take care of you two," she said simply. "And that is what I will do."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 09**

**It was eerie walking into a room alone.** For weeks, Rinn had known nothing of solitude. She always had to be watched, whether by a person or an AI – corporeal or not. In fact, it may have been the very first time she wasn't being observed in the entire time that she had been in this... Place. This world. The notion was almost scary. Not that she hadn't been observed, she had been evaluated that day after all.

_So I could become some sort of muscle? So I can make myself an even bigger threat to everyone?_

The dark-haired woman stepped deeper into the apartment, coming to a halt in the living room. She closed her eyes, letting the quiet settle over her and breathed in deeply. She smelt the soap from the shower she had taken after her physical testing with Jachett and beyond that she breathed in... a sense of calm. There weren't any sharp chemicals and yet the place didn't smell musty either. She took another deep breath and felt welcome. It wasn't something she would ever be able to describe to Helena in a manner her friend would understand.

But then, Rinn didn't exactly know whether she would've even attempted now that things were so... different.

It was good being near Helena again, but they both were so awkward, so unsure. Right before she left, the ginger had made a point of it to stay near Rinn. To make contact with her even when it was unnecessary. Almost as if to imprint that sense of calm and quiet and assurance onto the hybrid. Rinn could've been reading it wrong, but that was how it had felt at the time. Helena didn't like physical contact and yet the dark-haired woman could not remember a time when her friend had actually done so as frequently as on the ship. She had chastised Rinn whenever the latter wanted to draw back, whenever the shame felt too overwhelming and she felt... tainted. This from Helena who was almost always at the point of shuddering whenever someone so much as looked like they were going to come near her.

_And now?_ Rinn frowned. It felt as if none of that had happened. As if she was back in the AI core, swallowing fearfully as Helena dared to step closer.

_No, don't be so overdramatic. It's just... nerves. Or something. We're just... unsure. There are no monsters chasing us and now we have to process and figure out... everything. _

She sighed. There simply were too many things to make sense of and she knew with a certainty that most of it was going to be beyond her. The fatalist in her was naturally urging acceptance; urging that she follow wherever the currents of this unseen stream were pulling her. It was very tempting to do just that. But what she really wanted to do was sit and plan it out. Or try to. She wanted to reconstruct what she remembered of her story, draw up the character sheets again. She had spent over seven months planning, writing things down by hand, printing Mass Effect information, making notes from the Paul Grayson series written by one of the Mass Effect writers, Drew Karpyshyn. Oddly she remembered Grayson's story, but so much of her notes, her planning was just... gone. Maybe if she put them down on paper again...

_Where did the idea come from? Why did I decide to write about a Shepard who failed? Did it have something to do with Mass Effect 3? Was victory too sweet?_

She thought to ask Helena about it, but knew that she wouldn't dare.

_Where am I going to get paper?_ Rinn thought instead. She would need to _physically_ write it down somehow. It was simply how it worked with her. She needed something tactile, something _real_, to bring to reality that which was not. _Maybe they have white boards... Maybe I can use a stylus or something._ But then again, she would need the actual equipment. All she had was her omnitool at this point.

Rinn kicked off her shoes, choosing to pad to her room in her socks with her boots in hand. The interview-slash-aptitude-test was _not_ what she had expected. The turian didn't seem impressed with her, but he didn't turn her down either. After having watched Rinn run, jump, lift weights, block punches and kicks, he merely nodded at Liara and mumbled about them needing to sort out the paperwork. And then it was done. Simple as that.

"_I don't need you to talk,"_ Jachett had said and clearly he didn't.

_I can't believe I'm going to go through with this._

_Just follow the current, Rinn. Just follow the current._

She walked into her bedroom, dropping her boots in her closet and turned to regard the furnishings. It was pretty standard: a bed central against the wall, a bedside table, a desk. Rinn glanced at the bed, then regarded the door. It didn't feel _right_, she decided. The bed was too close to the door. When she had finally gone to bed the night before, she felt vulnerable. _No_, she thought as she began moving her furniture around. _No, it simply won't do_.

She moved her bed to the far wall – which consisted mostly of large windows. And the desk she moved closer to the door so she wouldn't have her back to it were anyone to enter. It also meant that one would have to cross the entire room to get to her while she was sleeping and that suited her perfectly. Besides, with the bed so close to the windows, the arrangement also allowed her a comfortable view of the world beyond.

She walked over to the bed now, grabbing her pillow and propping it up so she could sit against her wall and let her gaze drift through those windows. She couldn't hear the cars beyond it and it felt as if she were watching a television on mute. There was so much get used to. So much to learn. She activated her omnitool and casually began reading up on the items she had added to her mental list. She checked how well known Jachett's company was, figured out exactly where their apartment was, then made note of the stores in their immediate vicinity. She found simple how-to guides on using appliances –and managed to figure out how to use the blinds in the process.

And she looked up Blasto, just for good measure. Things that tickled Helena's fancy was worth studying, if only to see whether it would end up being something they both could enjoy.

When Rinn finally had her fill of information for the day, the sun had already disappeared beyond the buildings. She rose, stretched and padded over to the living room, closing the blinds with a sense of achievement. It was such a simple and silly thing. Foolish even, but it was one more thing she could do. One more thing she wouldn't struggle with later. With her newly-acquired knowledge, she turned to the television and decided to see what's on.

* * *

**She returned later than she anticipated, but when it came to work, Helena had never really had a concept of time.** She had never been office bound, her previous job requiring her to travel vast distances to do consultations in remote areas. She made her own office hours and wasn't really ruled by deadlines. She worked until the job was done, regardless of what time she returned home.

She had a feeling that working for Liara was going to be very different and, if she didn't pace herself, Helena was easily going to be stuck in the office forever, because there was _always_ something to do. She didn't necessarily like the stuff that she was busy with now – but it was easy at least. Liara had left her shortly after their discussion for a social with Chakwas and Tali and didn't return until late. She had been surprised that Helena was still at office, only to realise that she had never given her the authority to lock up.

It was the small things that they still needed to figure out.

Standing outside of the building, looking at the lights in the darkness around her, Helena felt tired and alone. She understood where both these feelings came from. It had been one hell of a day: complicated, stimulating and frustrating. She had been up early to go to the Normandy, she had been to training and she put in a decent day's work at Liara's. And, she _was_ still recovering. Helena knew that she had to be easy on herself.

_But can I? Is there time?_ She knew better than anyone that the pieces of the game could fall into place at any stage and they had to be _ready._ She didn't want to get stuck in another proverbial mine. She wanted to know how to deal with what was coming.

_But that's not quite within my power, is it? This is not my world._

She didn't feel like reminding herself about it, because there was _something_ different.

Helena had had an idea. A thought. It was a fledgling spark, one she didn't dare discuss with Rinn yet as she didn't know what her friend would make of it. But, Helena had a _feeling_ that she might be able to change a few things. It had come to her on the Normandy, the idea had been born almost two weeks ago, but then things _changed._ She came to Illium and became so self-absorbed in her healing that she didn't _think._

She hadn't remembered the name that had come to her now.

Kasumi Goto.

_I have to ask Liara,_ she thought as she finally entered the apartment. _I have to ask Liara how one would find a person. If she exists, if she is here in this world, I can reach out to her. It would be a small change, but it might help…_

Because Rinn had not played any of the dlc's, none of the extras ever featured in her frame of reference. She had read the books of course, she was able to get her hands on those, but the actual game play was a mystery. Kasumi was a mystery.

Helena wasn't sure how the thief could help _now_, but she knew that she could not let the idea go. And she didn't dare forget it again.

_How does it feel to forget a whole life?_ Helena wondered suddenly as she made her way to their apartment. _How does it feel to forget… almost everything?_ She didn't know what to make of Rinn's memory loss. It was a blessing if one considered her as a shadow agent for the reapers. In the gameplay of Mass Effect 3 lay all the major victories, all the major losses of the game. If they had their hands on that, they could change the whole course of the war.

_Anybody who possesses that can do it._

_I can change things…_

It was a dangerous idea. A dangerous feeling. Helena stilled her heart and finally reached their door. It was the first night of many that she would stand here and she tried to savour it, to cement it to normality in her mind.

_I'm going to have to be honest with Rinn. I'm going to have to tell her about the nightmares._

The thought brought her no pleasure, but she steeled herself and stepped through. She could tell that Rinn was home immediately with the television on. As she walked through the foyer, her friend sat up on the couch she had been lying on and gave her a guilty look. Helena didn't understand it and smiled instead.

"Hey," she said. "Comfy?"

Rinn glanced at the television and then quickly turned it off. "Hey," she said. "Yes… I…" She trailed off as Helena waved her to silence.

"You can carry on watching," the ginger pointed out. "Coffee?"

_Wine wine wine…_

Rinn smiled immediately and nodded, coming closer to the kitchen instead after turning off the television. Helena noticed that she was in socks and, after a few moments' consideration, slipped off her shoes and left them by the door.

"That would be great thanks," Rinn said. "How was your day?"

Helena smiled, but felt a twist in her gut from nerves. Studying Rinn, she tried to pick up any indication of her mood, but all she could pick up was care not to invade her space. Rinn kept the small kitchen counter between them as Helena went to turn on the kettle.

"Long," Helena confessed. "But, I think that can wait for last. I'd first like to know how yours was. What happened?"

Rinn's face fell a bit and her shoulders hunched for just a second. Helena could tell that she didn't want to talk about it, but knew she had no choice. _Don't worry, my friend. We all have conversations like that looming._

"Well," Rinn said finally as she pulled a chair closer, studying Helena as she made them some coffee. "The interview was a lot less talking and more about me running, jumping and picking stuff up." She shook her head. "My future boss is a bit of a grumpy bear, but he's a soldier so I think that's more or less the stereotype."

_Future boss._

Helena didn't reply immediately, but carefully pushed Rinn's cup towards her. "So it's been decided then?" She queried. "You want to do it?" She picked up on the moment of conflict immediately, saw it in the way Rinn looked at her and then down at the cup. _She doesn't know._

"Well," Rinn said finally, wrapping her half hand around her coffee mug. "Liara says that he will take me. It's just a matter of sorting out the paperwork. I can't say there was a lot of interaction between me and him. He had this asari doing the testing while he and Liara just observed." Rinn gaze strayed to the bowl of fruit that Helena had set out the night before and, after some consideration, she picked out an unknown fruit. "It was very uncomplicated really."

Not commenting, Helena watched how she ate – unable to shake the chill from her that came with the image of the two aliens simply _watching_ her friend perform. _Surely it had to have been more personal than that?_

Rinn finished the fruit in record time and began to reach for another when she saw Helena's look. Embarrassed, she drew her hand away which only made the ginger smile. "Any preference for supper?" she said, relieved when Rinn shook her head.

"Anything you can make," the hybrid pointed out. "I have faith this body can digest anything."

The ginger gave her a quick look. "Don't get cute," she said and decided that pasta was going to be the easiest. "What's the plan of action then? Are you going to start training?"

Rinn nodded slowly, studying her reactions. "Next week I guess," She said. "As I understand it we're sort of on Illium's Thursday right?" When Helena nodded she continued. "I have to get a training kit. Liara said we'll get it over the weekend. And… more clothes I guess. The stuff the Normandy got me is…" She looked embarrassed. "A bit snug."

Helena hadn't had the same problem and found herself studying Rinn, seeing how her friend's body had filled out. As she understood it, the hybrid had started exercising on the Normandy already, training in the 'gym' simply to pass the time. Although she didn't make a habit of checking out her friends, Helena couldn't help but notice that Rinn looked good. Better than she had when she arrived in this world in fact.

_Is it feeding her? This world? Shaping her?_

_What can the pattern be? The need? _

Kasumi Goto came to mind again and she wondered whether she should discuss it with Rinn. _Not yet, get your facts straight first…_

"So," Rinn said, breaking the silence and her thoughts. "How did your trip to the Normandy go?"

_Well, she answered my questions…_

Helena tried to smile and shrug. "Okayish," she intoned. "It wasn't a joyride, but everything…" She made a half-hearted motion to her shoulder. "Seems to be okay. It was… surprisingly good to see Kelly and Chakwas." She thought of her discussion with the doctor in the elevator and wondered what the woman had made of it. Did she share it with Liara? Did they _discuss_ them over lunch?

Helena liked to think not, that there were more important things in their lives than two refugees.

_But we're not refugees._

Rinn frowned, picking upon the darkness of her thoughts. Helena shook her own head and shrugged. "And is it just me or are the elevators fuck slow?"

Raising a brow at her choice of words, Rinn grinned. "Wasn't there a meme about that?" she queried. "About the ability to travel the galaxy instantaneously through mass relays, but elevator rides being a pain."

Nodding, Helena smiled, but her thoughts turned darker. "I didn't feel the pain up until now," she said, feeling her heart clench. "I've always been claustrophobic, but I…" She looked at Rinn, not sure whether to continue. The look in Rinn's eyes told her that it was safe, that her friend would almost appreciated it if she did. _Show her that she's not the only one afraid._ "I find that it's worse."

Rinn's hand moved, as if she wanted to reach out and touch Helena. "It's going to take time," she said, her movement stopping when the distance was too great to cover. She still considered her words, not done with the subject. "Sometimes," Rinn continued. "It helps to carry something small with you… like… like a coin. Or stone. Something with texture that you can keep in your pocket and ground you…" She trailed off, her hand unconsciously reaching to the silver St. Christopher that hung around her neck. "I… I can give this back to you?" It was a question, rather than a statement. One Helena refused immediately.

"Don't be silly," she said. "It's yours. But… Thank you," she tried to smile. "It's a good idea. I'll try it. I used to… to count." She shrugged. "I'll figure something out." She began setting out the things that she needed for supper, feeling Rinn studying her every move. Her friend had reached for another fruit.

"Can I help you with anything, Helena?" She asked finally. "I know you think I'm terrible in the kitchen, but…"

Helena smiled, but her chest tightened. _I do need help and I might as well tell you now…_

She braced herself_, _knockingher knuckles against the counter in order to try and give herself more courage. Rinn watched the movement critically and waited.

"I am going to need help, Rinn," she said finally. "With a few things." She found that she couldn't look at her friend. "The brace needs to come off every evening. I can't do it on my own. I thought I could, but…" She remembered the previous night's failure and sighed. "I can't. So you might have to help me with that."

She risked a glance at Rinn to find that she seemed to be holding her breath. And she looked positively terrified, probably of saying the wrong thing.

"I can," she said. "I will. I mean…" She paused and struggled, her hand once again reaching across the counter. This time, Helena briefly crossed the distance with her own and patted it. "I can help you Helena," Rinn said – finding the right words. "It won't be of any trouble. I'd love to help."

Helena nodded, but knew that she wasn't done. The next was even harder to say.

"There's also something else," she said. "You… you remember that I sleepwalk right?"

Rinn's gaze came to hers immediately. She did. It was one of the first things Helena had told her when they met up for the first time. It made the next easier, but Helena still felt it difficult to say.

_Admitting weakness? No. It's deeper than that. This is admitting to something I can't control._

"I get nightmares, Rinn," she said. "Bad ones. Beyond logic, beyond… how calm I feel when I go to bed." She looked at the fish that she had not yet moved to her room, _might_ not because she was too scared that she would knock the tank over. "I get nightmares."

At least her friend didn't look at her with sympathy. She couldn't quite place Rinn's look as her friend shifted. "There's… nothing logical about nightmares Helena," she said softy. "It's no… failure on your part. It's okay."

_It isn't,_ Helena thought and sighed.

"The last one made me nearly break Liara's knee, because I was… fighting," she said. "I just woke up… fighting." _Rage, rage against the dying of the light._ "I don't want to hurt you."

Rinn almost smiled. Almost. How many times had she said those same words to Helena?

"Is there something we can do?" She queried. "Or… get or something?"

_Logically, yes,_ Helena thought and grimaced, feeling defeated. It always came down to drugs in the end. She had kicked against it her whole life and now because she couldn't trust herself not to traumatise her friend any further, she might just have to bend to it.

"There's medication that I can take," she said defeated. "_Will_ take if…"She couldn't finish, feeling angry. "I don't like the way it makes me feel, but there is." She looked away from Rinn. "I'm not on it at the moment. I'm kind of hoping the situation will sort itself out."

There was a long pause or – it felt endless to Helena.

"Lena," her friend said finally, her voice soft and surprisingly gentle. "It's completely understandable." Mercifully, she sounded as if she understood where Helena came from. Rinn knew how Helena had struggled with her depression throughout the past couple of months and had known how opposed she was to using medication. She might have thought that it was foolish stubbornness, but she never pushed Helena.

"If you don't like the meds then… maybe there are alternatives or something. We'll figure it out." Helena looked at her again to find that she was smiling at her, bravely – even though the ginger could tell that she was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. It made Helena smile and the loneliness that she had brought into the apartment with her vanished.

"Thank you," she said softly and fidgeted with the table top. "Just… Let me know if it gets too bad for you. Be aware that I do it and stop me if I run out of the apartment naked. We don't want that happening again. Once in one's life is enough." She smiled, pleased when Rinn did the same, her ears colouring with embarrassment. She had not been privy to experiencing that specific day, but Helena had told her why she didn't necessarily sleep in her birthday suit anymore…

"I'll um... protect your honour," Rinn said with an embarrassed chuckle. "Maybe invest in a sling shot for long distance waking." She winked. "I wonder if the turian will teach me to shoot with my eyes closed…"

Helena chuckled as she continued with supper, feeling slightly better. "Gah," she said as a joke. "You'd be so lucky. I'm a sight for sore eyes naked."

Rinn paused made as if to hide her face, then gave Helena a hopeless expression, the kind she normally wore when she couldn't help herself and blamed Helena for it.

"Or one that can create sore eyes…"

* * *

"**I have to admit, I'm quite concerned with this development, Miranda," the Illusive Man was saying.** "You seemed quite capable of dealing with Shepard before going through the relay."

It was there, that hint of disappointment. Of disapproval. Miranda was especially gifted to pick it out, to sense it. It was after all almost all that she received from her father growing up. But, with the Illusive Man it was more clinical and she knew that she had to be cautious, not to promise him that she _would do better._ She had known that he would not like it that Shepard had chosen to submit to the Alliance testing, but Miranda also understood that, for the moment, there was very little that she could do about it. So, she raised her brow and tried not to let what he said get to her.

"I don't see what this has to do with my ability to _handle_ her," she said dryly, her tone showing him exactly how little regard she had for his opinion on this particular matter. "Nothing's changed."

The Illusive Man dismissed her sentence immediately with a simple wave of his hand. "You're allowing her to become distracted," he accused her. "And allowing the Alliance to take control of her. You know she's a career soldier. Once she's under their influence again, she will go wherever they and their politics need her." He fixed her with a look and took a drag of his cigarette. "She plays too big a role to be derailed. Your mission is too important."

_And what is our mission now exactly?_ Miranda wondered. _To hang around and wait for you to give us another itinerary? We're supposed to be building up an army to fight the reapers. This is bigger than Cerberus. _She wished she had it within her to be sassy to him, but the truth was that it had been a long day and she was tired.

"I'm very much aware of what is at stake," she said coldly. "But this was Katelyn's decision. Nothing short of a control chip can change her mind."

It got the reaction from him that she wanted, that implication that things would've _worked out_ if she had simply been allowed to have her own way.

"You know why I could not allow that," the Illusive Man said, his voice tight – as it always was around this matter. It was a very old argument between them.

_Would you still put in the chip if you had the chance?_

"One of the reasons you're there is to make sure a chip isn't necessary," the Illusive Man continued. "If I had known you weren't up to the task, I'd have set other plans in motion." His eyes narrowed. "Of course, it's not too late."

Miranda's heart went cold inexplicably. _Other plans? What other plans?_ She moved to the defensive, she couldn't stop herself.

"If I stand against Katelyn in this, I will push her closer to the Alliance," she said. "Trust me, I have _tried_ to show her the futility of this. Fighting her isn't the answer."

The Illusive Man studied her and it was anybody's guess as to what he was thinking. He took a slow drag of his fag again, blowing out the smoke in such a way Miranda could almost have sworn she could _smell_ it over the connection.

"Then what do you propose, Ms Lawson?" Her boss finally said and she could tell in his tone that he was mocking her. "You know as well as I do that this isn't merely about the Alliance's need to prove that it's Shepard." His tone made her angry because again in him she saw her father, that _being_ who had thought that he was more superior than she was. To whom she was never _good_ enough.

_I have sacrificed everything for Project Lazarus. Two years of my life. My relationship with Jacob. Everything. _

"I will support her," she said simply. "Try and guide the process in such a manner that she _cannot_ fail if she wishes to pursue this all the while subtly trying to steer her away from it. To show her how futile it is to hand the judgement of her 'authenticity' over to fools." She sniffed and fixed him with a look. "If she persists, then I expect _you_ to give her a reason to come back to us. That is not within my power."

She could tell that he didn't like her tone either and for the longest of times they simply stared at each other across the space that separated them.

"Alright," the Illusive Man said finally. "I'll expect you to keep me updated – more so then you have in _other_ matters." He took a slow drag of his cigarette again and sat back, studying her in a way that made her feel naked and dirty. "Be careful, Miranda. I don't want to see the commander cloud your judgement. That could have… unfortunately consequences."

_Are you threatening _me_?_

Her icy anger was back and this time she allowed every inch of it to show. "My judgement is sound," she said. "You wanted me to support her, to become her shadow. To earn her trust. I have always done and succeeded in what you asked of me. Always." _Even when they told you that it is impossible to bring someone back from the dead._

The Illusive Man's expression didn't change though his tone softened. Yet, even that felt like a mockery.

"Indeed you have," he pointed out. "My concern here is that she in turn might have gained yours. Just because she isn't Cerberus doesn't mean she doesn't know how to play the game. There is a reason people gravitate towards her. We brought her back to harness it, not to be harnessed _by_ it." He shook the ash off of his cigarette. "Don't forget who's holding the reins and _don't_ let the Alliance slip their leash over. This is your assignment, Miranda, and if you are not up to it, if you are too _traumatised_ by recent events, then I can always assign someone who is."

Miranda was so angry she was almost shaking. _Fuck you,_ she thought, realising that she had raised her hand to point a finger at him. _Fuck you. I gave you my life!_

"Don't mistake my admiration for Shepard's talents for blind, _ignorant_ loyalty," she hissed. "Don't think me a foolish sheep. I am _not_ like them. I can do what I have to to see this mission fail. Don't _ever_ doubt me."

The Illusive Man didn't answer her, but sat in his chair, smiling at the finger she had pointed at him. Miranda realised that she had to rein her own temper back in and slowly dropped her hand, composing herself.

"Is there anything else you want to discuss?" She queried. "I have to get back to work."

He shook his head and looked away, beyond her and the link as if there was something more important waiting in the shadows for his attention. "No," he said simply. "Unless there is something you feel the need to enlighten me of, that will be all."

Miranda could tell that he wanted to close the link, but, in a petty show of defiance, she shut it off before he could and felt childishly pleased that she managed when it winked out of existence at her command.

_Fuck you,_ she thought. _I am not blind. I am not blinded by Shepard._

_Then why haven't you discussed Helena and Rinn with him yet? Why haven't you told him about them?_

Miranda felt sick suddenly and leaned against the console, steadying herself as she tried to regain her composure. _He's got no cause to doubt me, none._

But, she knew it wasn't entirely true…

Trembling, wishing suddenly for nothing but her bed, Miranda turned around and left the briefing room, planning on heading straight to her quarters.

"Has mum and dad been fighting?"

Miranda turned around shocked, the voice slicing through her like a knife. _Kate, I didn't see her, why the hell didn't I see her?!_ She looked at Katelyn, leaning casually against the wall, her features light as she smiled. Something had amused her, but the look soon vanished when she met Miranda's gaze.

"Miranda?" she asked when the XO didn't answer her and the concern in her voice was worse than the disappointment of the Illusive Man's.

Miranda stepped back without thinking, then quickly composed herself. "Is there anything I can do for you, Commander?" _That is what I used to say, I never expected you to come to me simply because you wanted to talk._

Kate looked very concerned now and stepped closer to her, almost within touching distance. She didn't answer her question, but studied her eyes before her gaze travelled down to Miranda's hands that had crossed her chest on their own accord.

"Miranda, are you alright?" she asked and Miranda _almost_ told her. The words were there, the need for advice, to express her fears. To tell her how much she _hated_ the Illusive Man in that moment, but then she stopped herself. It was like pulling short a charging krogan, but she reined in her emotions and faked a smile.

"Of course," she said simply, but she could tell immediately that Katelyn didn't believe her. Yet, the woman didn't push, her gaze sad as she reached out and touched Miranda's elbow, squeezing it slightly.

_Don't touch me, Kate,_ Miranda's mind pleaded and suddenly she thought of Helena, always keeping people at more than an arm's length. _Is this why? Don't you trust yourself?_

Miranda realised suddenly that she _had_ to get a grip on herself and took another steadying breath, this time willing herself to feel the cold calm that she had woven into a shield around her.

"Kate," she said quietly. "Is there anything I can do for you? Or did you have to use the briefing room?"

The commander's gaze was still sad as she regarded her, but she shook her head to the latter, motioning to Miranda.

"I thought I would turn the tables and give _you_ a report on the day," she said with a half-hearted smile. "I didn't realise you had business to attend to in the briefing room and… thought we could get some food while we're at it. We can go out to Nos Astra. Girls' night out. EDI told me that you were here."

_Damn AI._ The curse was habit, not with vehemence.

"Commander, I have a lot to do," Miranda said carefully. "But, it would've been… nice. Has there been any new developments?"

Katelyn's gaze was unreadable as she studied her and then, with a sigh, shook her head. "Nothing that can't wait," she said and Miranda wondered suddenly if Katelyn had simply wanted to go out and have a meal with her. _Does she want to talk to me? Does she need advice?_ _Does she need help? _

The Illusive Man's words returned to her. '_There is a reason people gravitate towards her. We brought her back to harness it, not to be harnessed by it.' _

_His words aren't even cold and I'm already trying to accommodate her. _

When Katelyn looked as if she wanted to turn away, Miranda closed her eyes and sighed. "You obviously wanted to talk to me, Commander," she said, using Katelyn's title for her own sake, but keeping she kept her tone lighter than usual, almost kind. "Has there been any new development with Rinn? She went for her interview, didn't she?"

Katelyn's eyes had a question in them, but it was perhaps the use of her title that stayed her tongue. She grimaced at the mention of the hybrid, but kept her pose well enough.

"It seems that Rinn will be taking on the position Liara had arranged," Katelyn said quietly. "The interview went well. The turian seems… interested. She'll go through a probationary period obviously." She didn't look happy at all. "At least that means things can proceed sooner on our side."

Miranda wasn't sure whether she should've been happy or concerned so she nodded and asked carefully. "When do you plan on leaving Illium?"

Again, Katelyn looked torn. "Soon," she said. "I would like to stay tomorrow, talk to Rinn. But we can leave after that."

For a moment, Miranda didn't know how she felt about it. A part of her was relieved because the less she knew about Helena and Rinn, the less she had to withhold from the Illusive Man. But she had thought that they would have more time; that Katelyn would hang around for at least a week. The Alliance had obviously changed her mind however and she now felt obligated to go to the Citadel.

_Shepard is a career soldier._

_I thought I would have time to talk to Helena._

_About what? You shouldn't care._

Miranda tried to push away her feelings. "We've invested enough time into them," she said neutrally. "It's time they make their own way."

Katelyn was still studying her with that appearance as if she was trying to see into her soul. "Perhaps," she said and opened her mouth to say something. She changed her mind however and gave Miranda a quietly curious look. "Still, they're… unique. Worth spending time on as people. I think you can at least agree with that?" She ended the last softly, studying Miranda's features closely.

Struggling, the Cerberus officer made sure to keep her expression in check, but found her gaze turning to the briefing room door. _We should've taken it in there._ "They made it clear that they are unwilling to aid us in this mission," she said coldly. "Regardless of their unique talents. We have done what we can for them." _They are not Cerberus business._

She picked up on Katelyn's surprise at her reply, even though she wasn't looking at her. Finally, she felt the commander nod. "We have," she said simply and paused. "Miranda, is there anything you still need to do? Or something we need to do here?"

_She's probing again. She knows something's wrong. Damn you, Shepard._

"My business matters are in order," Miranda said simply. "I am ready to leave on your command." This time she risked looking up at Katelyn to see that the woman looked strangely disappointed and sad. It made Miranda's chest ache and it took all she had not to lift her hand to touch it.

"Okay," the commander said quietly and seemed to take a breath. "Well, I'll let you go. Let me know if you need anything from me."

_I need you to leave before I lose my self-control and have a pity party on your shoulder,_ Miranda thought as she nodded tightly. "Thank you, Commander," she said. "I'm going to… be in my room." She paused. "Sleep well, when you do."

Katelyn nodded and once again looked as if she wanted to touch her, but this time she didn't dare.

"And you, Miranda," she said quietly. "Try and find some peace."

_Not likely,_ Miranda thought as she turned away from Katelyn and tried to go to the elevator with a controlled, calm pace. _Not on this ship, not here._ She was exhausted and hurting.

_Not here._


End file.
